Mulesqb - Can the sun shine on a donkey's a$$?

[The Wifey]

mulesqb,

I get the idea that he is surprised that I haven't gotten mad at him. That I am really taking this seriously.

I know he is feeling pressured though. So I am selective what I share. I don't go into a lot of emotional detail.

I like it that he asks. It gives me the opportunity to reinforce without pressure.

[faithisbelieving]

I don't know why I keep letting things go the way they are.

...because we are afraid of conflict...afraid that we will push a WAW in MLC further away from us. It actually should be the other way around...that you stand by your principles and define boundaries during a time when they are CROSSING them.

I think 'punishing' a young boy by not taking him to his baseball practice or game is inhuman. It sounds like your W's behavior was selfish and self-centered. He's 14...she's a mother/woman (?). Grounding makes more sense or some other loss of a privilege. Horrible.

Finally....IC is personal and similar to your ability to vent and be private here, she deserves the same. If anything, IMO, you could say "I think it takes courage to pursue IC. I know you are going thru difficult times. I just want you to know that I am here and available if you need to work thru anything you discuss there (or something like that).

Pushing this will only end up hurting you. I did as you are thinking. Early on after my bomb..and my W shared the following:

My IC told me that "anger destroys love."

Let her work this out. If you need to do this jointly, do it with her in MC.

FIB

[Bworl]

Mules,

Good advice from FIB regarding your wife's counseling. I agree with him completely.

I'm not sure what your son "going off" on his Mom constituted, and perhaps if it was bad enough I might have agreed with sitting the game out. But it would have had to be pretty bad. Otherwise I would have tended to take FIB's approach and found a more appropriate punishment. Remember that at this point in time, your wife is not very gung ho about the whole baseball deal and very likely did put off leaving for too long.

One day at a time my friend. Keep reminding yourself that there is very little that you can do to help her besides standing firm as the man/husband/father in the family. Her actions are not reflections on any of you.

Bill

[mulesqb]

...because we are afraid of conflict...afraid that we will push a WAW in MLC further away from us.

Hey FIB - Man did you just read me - this sums me up in a nutshell.

I think 'punishing' a young boy by not taking him to his baseball practice or game is inhuman. It sounds like your W's behavior was selfish and self-centered. He's 14...she's a mother/woman (?). Grounding makes more sense or some other loss of a privilege. Horrible.

I agree completely but since she already put her foot down I didn't want to undermine her authority.

Finally....IC is personal and similar to your ability to vent and be private here, she deserves the same. If anything, IMO, you could say "I think it takes courage to pursue IC. I know you are going thru difficult times. I just want you to know that I am here and available if you need to work thru anything you discuss there (or something like that).

That's the way I've been handling - so ok - I see the 2 x 4 coming - I'll be quiet and let curiosty be free.


By the way FIB - I read your thread. What an amazing story. You have my support - you have been through so much it is unbelievable. I'm praying my W doesn't get to the level that yours did - I don't know if I am strong enough to go through that. You are the only one who knows when it is time - and it looks to me like you made a decision that is good for you. I pray for your W also. She is going to regret her actions of the past few years for the rest of her life.

[faithisbelieving]

mules...thanks for your support. I try not to post 'my sitch' on YOUR thread unless I start to see dangerous parallels. You are VERY fortunate to have Bworl on your thread. Honestly, after almost 2 plus years, he calls it as it is.

Mules...no one here should EVER tell you to divorce. No one on my thread did. I know I can speak for Bill, Phoenix, PDT, et al....that WE WANT YOU TO BE IN THE 5% TO SAVE YOUR M.

HOWEVER:

Our only 'expertise', besides having been thru this and are perhaps a little ahead of you...is...that we are not in your house, so, we can be a little more objective. BUT...BECAUSE WE ARE NOT IN YOUR HOUSE...we cannot hear your W's tone or see the expression on her face or see her tears. YOU DO. This is your M....you ARE a man...and a dad. WE know the responsibility that entails.

As you could see from my thread, I got beaten up pretty badly. Bill can confirm that my sitch sorta turned out to be a filme noire par extraordinaire. Don't get caught with your pants down....don't see babysteps when there are none....DO stay the strong H and dad that you are. DON'T give up until it's time. You will know it. I did...and my story isn't over yet.

Strength and honor.
FIB

[mulesqb]

Hey Bill - First of all - i wanted to thank you for taking time on your honeymoon to check in on me. I'm very appreciative of that. It speaks volumes to me as to the type of person you are , although I already knew that from the last two months of being here. I hope you are enjoying marital bliss right now and will for the rest of your life.

My S14's "going off" included him telling my W that she is selfish for taking a 20 minute pi$$ when he had to leave and that all she cares about is herself. Completely out of line in my book. I think my W's punishment was harsh but as you know she is a little on edge right now. So I just supported her.
Thanks for the reminder - I have been in a pretty good state since she decided she can't go through with a sep right now. But it is weird. She treats me normal at times but there is no intimacy at all. I miss the hell out of that part of our R. And I'm not necessarily talking sexual intimacy - although that is now 3 + months and is very difficult, but I'll manage.

Right now I miss the little things - how we use to snuggle when we came home from being out and were tired - we made it a point to lay on the floor once a day and hug and kiss, the phone calls at work (I miss them as much as anything right now - my days feel empty without them - she had NO IDEA how much they meant to me), the constant ILY's from both of us, the massages, the jokes (she would laugh at every one of them), the sneaking up behind each other and pinching the behinds - and most of all the friendship and reliability of the one person on the planet that knew all my strengths and weaknesses, knew how to make me feel better if I was having a bad day, understood that I can't stay mad at anyone I love for more than a half hour and supported me unconditionally in anything I did even when i knew I was wrong. I wonder at times if I will ever see her again in that vain. The thought that I might not is what makes me cry, what keeps me up at night. I wonder if I will ever hear her tell me that she loves me again - the thought that she doesn't anymore tears my insides up - makes me think that all is not right in the world and that this can't be happening. Somedays I wake up and say to myself that this can't be real - somebody is just playing a cruel joke on me and my family and she'll be home there waiting for me to come through the door so we can talk about each other's day.

I know I should be out more Getting a Life - but the cold hard truth is that she and the boys are my life. It's always been that way. When your that close to someone - getting a life means changing the way you breathe. How do you really do that??? Sometimes i look at her face and I know the person I love isn't showing on the outside, but I know she is still buried deep in there. I don't believe the words that come out of her mouth regarding her feelings for me. No human being can just shut off 22 years like that.

As I write this with tears in my eyes she is downstairs at cold on a recliner. I want to go down there and hug and tell her how much I miss her and our life together. But I can't.

So tonight I'll leave it at that - it felt good to get these words out - because they have been on my mind the last few days. I keep telling myself if the bond we had for 22 years was real - somehow - she will find her way out of this and back to me. And I'll wait here for it - for as long as my heart can take it. I'm a strong willed 41 year old man in very good shape - but this sitch can make me weep like an infant. That's it for now - I'm going to have a good cry tonight - and tomorrow it's back to work - Dbing.

[faithisbelieving]

As I write this with tears in my eyes she is downstairs at cold on a recliner. I want to go down there and hug and tell her how much I miss her and our life together. But I can't.

Been there...done that. We all have. Get your running gear on and take flight.
FIB

[mulesqb]

You got it - I already feel better getting that out. I guess it's been weighing on my mind the last few days.

[mulesqb]

Thanks FIB - I caught on about the babysteps from you a while back. You had mentioned that in one of your first posts to me. I don't get caught up in that any more. One thing I have learned from your sitch is that if she is really ready to recommit to ouyr marriage, I will see that and it won't be because of babysteps.

Only 5%?? That's scary.

Honestly there have been times in the last 6 months where I have felt like telling her to go to he!! But it's the aadvice I get fom you guuys like - remember it's not about you - that gets me past that.

[mulesqb]

Journal - Sorry for the emotion last night. Every now and then something gets to me. Last night my S10 asked me why Mommy wouldn't eat dinner with them. I asked what he meant. I got home late (I was GAL'n with my brother - went to Yankee game -I'm a Mets fan and then played golf and had dinner). He said my W made them Mac n Cheese and set them up in the kitchen. Then she went down the street to our pizza place and got herself a personal pie and came back. When she returned, instead of eating in the kitchen with the boys she went out on the back deck and ate by herself. That bothered the boys.

When he told me that story i asked myself - what could be going on inside her that would make her want to eat alone than with her sons. She had pretty much avoided them all day up to that point. It made me sad and brought out the feelings last night. I kept asking myself why is she going through this and look what it is doing to everybody. She's lost a ton of weight, I've lost a ton of weight - the boys are sad and her family is on the outside looking in - this can't be what she really wants - tattoos and belly rings??? It got me thinking about old times.

Feeling better today. We have baseball tonite (she's not coming - not interested), so i look forward to it.