I'm afraid to love him

[Forrest Gump]

"He said "why can't you say it".

We want you to talk to us. Lead the way. Tell us what to do. Most of the time. It should be clear to you when. We do our best to show you.

"How could I tell him, I'm still afraid of him rejecting me. So many times I asked him to hold me & he refused. He said he couldn't hold me when I was attacking him."

I was going to say.. its not what you say.. its how you say it. I see some Advanced DAM in him.

"I didn't know I was attacking, I thought I was communicating."

Did it look like this.. Big Fight.. Him Angry/Tired.. You Crying.. and saying.. I need you to hold me? He thought he was communicating to. Neither of us understand each other. You use to many words.. I use to few. Somewhere.. in the middle.. is OK. I don't want you to change.. and I don't want you to change me.

"He tried to talk logically to me, pointing out that he hasn't left in 18 years why would he now."

What are you going to say.. when you don't know what to say? Logic is the way to understanding. You have the understanding.. because they are your emotions.. He has the Logic.. because he does not understand.

"He doesn't realize these fears I have are irrational, & deep, & seared into my soul. Logic doesn't reach that depth of pain. "

I think you just agreed with me.

"I wanted him to be so happy that I was feeling safe with him. Instead he seemed bummed."

Lets say.. I plopped a Dell 2950 down in front of you and said.. I need you to stand up a Domain controller. It has a 100 users.. here is the list of names. It will have Exchange, Citrix, and a Blackberry server looking at it.... GO! Now.. when you get done with that.. I will be upstairs.

"I don't understand. Why does he pull back just when I need reassurance the most ?"

Confusion. Misunderstanding. NFC Disease. Dive.. Dive.. The ship is going down.

"& I'll hold you."

Duty.. Honor! Not really.. just frustrated.. and confused. DAM!

"I got in bed, but told him I was going to read for a few minutes, & see if I could figure out what was bothering me."

That is awesome! You knew something was wrong. I see you balking a bit.

"The little things were the dishes, not going to the movie with us, the humidifier, the laundry, the comment about S17, the e-mail that I sent him that was so warm & tender, & he joked with me about deleting it because he didn't recognize who sent it......."

So now I gotta go back and read you last thread. I hate the locking thing!! WHY!!!

"The real thing. He's so focused on building this consulting division, I'm wanting more of his attention. I could be in bed right now with him holding me. What am I so afraid of ? "

Him leaving you with all the Emotion.

[Scott123]

Cookie,

Wow, you sound just like my wife. She has the same issues
of being scared of being abandoned. I hope things work
out for you and you both have a peaceful relationship.

- Scott

[fb2]

"I didn't know I was attacking, I thought I was communicating."
Sounds like my W!

"He tried to talk logically to me, pointing out ..."
Sounds like me!

"He doesn't realize these fears I have are irrational, & deep, & seared into my soul. Logic doesn't reach that depth of pain. "
He's only human! The flood of emotion gets too much for a man to handle at times; what with that new division and the mortgage. So give him a break sometimes! Maybe change your approach; remember your raincoat analogy?

FG is there a female equivalent of advanced DAM? It's not WAW wife so you need to invent something and that would define SC

[Ready2Change]

Hi SC,

I have been busy GAL and just stopped in to say hi. I just caught up on your sitch.

I'm hurting & confused.... I don't understand. Why does he pull back just when I need reassurance the most

First, I am sorry you are hurting.

Second, I will attempt to answer your question (Just thinking out loud here). Remember that you are both starting a new relationship with each other. You both have been working hard at it. Do more of what is working. Stop doing what doesn't work. Have you been getting good results by talking to H? Why the post it note? Did that work? He wanted to help, maybe no words would have worked (take his hand lead him to couch and put you both in a comfortable position for him to hold you)? Maybe talk to him now that you are less emotional and explain what you needed and why sop that next time he will understand...Also why not have him hold you in bed when he offered?? Is bed different than couch? (Of course, I now know that H should have said of course dear, I will hold you as long as you need me to...)

My thought are with you and I pray that your relationship continues to improve. Remember, If you make a change in your R with H, it forces him to change. Also remember not to slip back into old R. Make changes that move the R toward where you want it to be. You will get there. H is trying. Both of you need to bend and meet in the middle.

*HUGS*

[smartcookie]

Kelly Jo, thanks for replying. I think it helps too.

Sable, I always had a very strong resolve that I would not put my kids through a divorce. I have always given everything 150%. It used to irritate H that I would attack things so persistently, that whenever I do anything, it's almost to obsession. I guess I applied the same philosophy here. There were so many times that I wanted to quit. I just didn't.
I think the woman that loves your family is still there, somewhere. Just be patient. That was the hardest part for H. Patience.

Brian, you are such a sweetie. How did I get so lucky to have you among my friends ? hugs

Phoenix, thanks for your thoughts. I totally agree that my insecurities were running rampant. I knew while it was happening that it wasn't rational, I just needed to let it run it's course, & then today in the light of day, I could see more clearly what was happening. Plus having all the support here, is so great. He's flying tomorrow, perhaps I'll hand him the book as he's packing & see if he'd like to flip through it again for a refresher. We both read it years ago, but 'm sure with all his changes, it would be a completely new book for him.

Gypsy, It felt okay being in my home office again. Although, I started to log into one of my accounts, & paused. I couldn't bring myself to type the password. I moved to my laptop for that one. Still gun shy I guess.

Sara, thank you. I hope once he gets a job & a paycheck coming in again, we can plan to go.

Girlie, you're soooooooo wonderful & warm & sweet & uplifting all the time. How do you do it ? xoxoxox

Purple, don't you wish you had a big "kitty" as she calls him, to protect us, keep us safe, & get us safely back home when we get lost. Hugs. Have you seen the short clip on the front of the movie "Birds on a Wire", if you haven't watch it, it's hilarious, I laugh until I cry every time. (course maybe it's just me & my bizarre sick sense of humor, LOL)

Scott, I think I could be married to about 10 of the guys here. LOL When CBK was posting a lot, one night I looked down to make sure my H's laptop was there. I seriously thought H was in bed, posting as CBK. Freaky how much we all have in common sometimes.

Fb2, so I'm married to you too.

Ready, how very nice to see you, I'm so happy to hear you're GAL. Your advice & suggestions are poignant & right on. You have grown so much in the short time we've been here. I really wasn't so concerned about what he was doing or saying. I was more involved in trying to figure out why I was reacting so strongly to the events. I was trying to ask myself, why did I need to write it on a post it note. Why couldn't I speak ? Why did I need to figure out what I was feeling, before I could be comforted. I suppose it's a natural step in my path that I've been on. After today, H understands I was not angry at him, I wasn't disappointed in him, I was just trying to figure out these strange things called "feelings" & "emotions".

hugs to all who like them

[smartcookie]

<<We want you to talk to us. Lead the way. Tell us what to do. Most of the time. It should be clear to you when. We do our best to show you.

I've been doing pretty good at leading. Yesterday was weird. different. Confusing.

<<I was going to say.. its not what you say.. its how you say it. I see some Advanced DAM in him.

Yep, I totally get this. I'm learning how to say most things so it comes out allright. Sometimes, my mouth does out run my brain, & I have to back up & say to him "I didn't mean that the way it came out". Most of the time, he says "I didn't even take it the wrong way". Progress.

<<Did it look like this.. Big Fight.. Him Angry/Tired.. You Crying.. and saying.. I need you to hold me? He thought he was communicating to. Neither of us understand each other. You use to many words.. I use to few. Somewhere.. in the middle.. is OK. I don't want you to change.. and I don't want you to change me.

Yep, that would be the old days.

<<What are you going to say.. when you don't know what to say? Logic is the way to understanding. You have the understanding.. because they are your emotions.. He has the Logic.. because he does not understand.

Got it. Makes perfect sense when you say it that way.

<<I think you just agreed with me.

I do that often huh. (who's the bigger smart *ss, you or me ?)

<<Lets say.. I plopped a Dell 2950 down in front of you and said.. I need you to stand up a Domain controller. It has a 100 users.. here is the list of names. It will have Exchange, Citrix, and a Blackberry server looking at it.... GO! Now.. when you get done with that.. I will be upstairs.

No problem. (I'm the bigger smart *ss)

<<Confusion. Misunderstanding. NFC Disease. Dive.. Dive.. The ship is going down.

Yep, deer in the headlights.

<<Duty.. Honor! Not really.. just frustrated.. and confused. DAM!

Maybe he likes the holding now ?

<<That is awesome! You knew something was wrong. I see you balking a bit.

balking ? how ? where ?

<<So now I gotta go back and read you last thread. I hate the locking thing!! WHY!!!

there isn't any more of an explanation. I didn't put all that out because it was "fluff".

<<Him leaving you with all the Emotion.

perhaps.
_________________________
<<Do Work.

I usually do. hugs (do you not like hugs ?)

[fb2]

I hope once he gets a job & a paycheck coming in again, we can plan to go.

SC, Your H lost his job? That can be a huge source of stress for H and for the R. I know just from what you say above that you are willing to cut back on expenses. What else are you doing to make it easier on H? Does the C know of this?

SC, on another note ... There's a gal here (ann25) whom I'm guessing could really use your help. And maybe some of the others here may also want to take a look and offer something much more than a hope and a prayer if possible. There are 3 little ones.

[fb2]

Fb2, so I'm married to you too.

Only in my dreams now given all the progress you've made with your H!

[The Wifey]

(((Smart Cookie)))

You're doing ok. Its good that you figured out your own head first. I need to do more of that.

[KenF]

SmartCookie, I keep reading your story to get hope for mine. Again, much thanks.

From a DAMs perspective, when dealing with emotions like you were having about the hugs, just letting him know you're struggling with confusing emotions would go a long way. Thats not saying you didnt, or that in that instant you'd be able to. but even after the fact, it helps us to understand.

Quick (maybe) question for Forrest Gump, I cant find the thread you spoke about this, but you mentioned that when there is anger, nothing works? or nothing gets through? can you go into that a little? I'm dealing with an angry almost WAW, and am searching for a way to help take the edge off her anger.

Thanks again to you SmartCookie.