BTW - I'm confused. Are you lurch? Did you come back and get a new user name? Or did you do a major hijack of lurch's thread? Not that he was using it, but still .... Starting your own thread isn't that hard.
Wow. Buster, you are listening to your fears more than people who have seen results from the counter-intuitive approach.
You want your marriage back. Do you want back what you had that resulted in this mess. Wouldn't you perhaps rather have a marriage that works for both of you?
Have you ever had a bum who came up begging for money? Were you inspired by them or repulsed? You are acting like a bum. You are by your actions telling her that she has more value than you do. You are telling her by your actions that you don't think much of yourself.
If you are willing to give up you to please her, she won't be.
A couple of specific thoughts. First, I propose that she may hate you already because she has cast you in the role of the villain who is responsible for the mess she is in. Second, I think it is unlikely that you will lose anything in a divorce proceeding because you moved back into your house and she got angry.
People aren't telling you to fight her until she hates you to death. They are telling you to ignore her and get a life until she loves you again. Well, ignore might be a little strong, but, all the DR tools boil down to stop doing what doesn't work, stop pursuing, and get a life.
Lastly, your wife can keep telling you it's over all day and all night. The trouble is that she's lying. If she didn't care and was really done with you. You wouldn't be able to get a rise out of her and you'd already have divorce papers in your hand.
I agree with your comment that if it was really OVER i wouldn't get a rise out of her. This is exactly the light at the end of tunnel that I believe I can find. I don't want to risk killing any and all possible hope of salvaging the remnants of our marriage and building a better one that works for us. W and OM are really close. she is (as far I know, and I'm a good snooper) she only maintain verbal contact, not in person (unless he's at a bar and she winds up there). I know, I know, I don't need rose colored glasses. I love her so much. I did send flowers to her work the other, a type of "just because." She enjoyed them. Her very religious parents tell me their best advice is "let go. God is in control." well the Lord also gave us free will. I can't make her come back, but so far I'm being a better friend, father, and free of any addictive substances.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
You have to stop listening to the words she's saying and listen to what she's communicating :
"I HATE YOU" - means "I am miserable!" "YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU SOB!!" - means "I am upset and you are my target, if you love me you will throw me a rope and not let me drown"
etc. Granted, you have to know how to interpret this, but STOP listening to what she says. People say things all teh time and often mean the opposite.
If you read After the Affair Spring makes a wonderful quote from the greeks :
"It is human nature to hate those whom you have injured - wrote Tacitus almost 2000 years ago"
Spring's point is - your wife knows she hurt you, but if she decides to hate you and blame YOU then she doesn't have to attack herself for the mischeif she is causing...becuase from her ill-driven point of view you are the cause of it all.
She can hide in a wall of hate for you to protect herself from any moral accountability.
Her thinking is "He's an ass, so I am not to blame for the affair I am having."
This may not be the case in your situation, but I believe its in there somewhere...so stop listening to her attacks and save her.
MWD, Dr Phil, SHirley Glass, Tupp, they all say the same thing...stop listening to the words coming out and listen to what's being communicated.
If you are a good listener you will hear what she's wanting from you, not just the words she's using.
buster you pay way too much attention to the wrong messages dude....save her and yourself and your family.
This guy is NOT going to be good for her, anyone who is willing to violate a private home and break up a family is NOT mature enough to maintain a long term relationship. He's just usinng her and he will throw her away once she becomes an inconvenience. Get religion after her and get her in line with her needs, shes frightened and miserable and thrashing...and this guy is sitting right there to guide her down the wrong road.
You likley weren't eaither when you were using drugs, but it sounds like she has you growing up pretty quickly
Also, if she's got religious influences and her parents as well. Find a member of the clergy in her congregation, have that person talk wtih her parents, you, and her to get her to work things out with you. Most of them I would think would try to talk her into not divorcing.
thank you for the advice folks. I know if this guy can text someone else's wife, and be a home wrecker and come into my house when invited, he's bad news. he is her escape though. I've straightened up. I was a kid basically. Even though I was 25-27, the drugs and letting things go were idiotic. trying to be the man.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
