You have to stop listening to the words she's saying and listen to what she's communicating :
"I HATE YOU" - means "I am miserable!" "YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU SOB!!" - means "I am upset and you are my target, if you love me you will throw me a rope and not let me drown"
etc. Granted, you have to know how to interpret this, but STOP listening to what she says. People say things all teh time and often mean the opposite.
If you read After the Affair Spring makes a wonderful quote from the greeks :
"It is human nature to hate those whom you have injured - wrote Tacitus almost 2000 years ago"
Spring's point is - your wife knows she hurt you, but if she decides to hate you and blame YOU then she doesn't have to attack herself for the mischeif she is causing...becuase from her ill-driven point of view you are the cause of it all.
She can hide in a wall of hate for you to protect herself from any moral accountability.
Her thinking is "He's an ass, so I am not to blame for the affair I am having."
This may not be the case in your situation, but I believe its in there somewhere...so stop listening to her attacks and save her.
