Helping OW??

[butterflymom]

I guess I'm the worst DBer on earth

First, you are not the worst DBer on earth. Everyone backslides.

Ok – so you already know you shouldn’t have called the OW. God gave you a gift by not letting her answer. Next time you get the urge to call her or him – STOP. Find something else to do to occupy your mind. If you are driving, call someone else. Your mom, your dad, a friend, a brother or sister, the date and time number, dial-a-nurse. I don’t care who, but NOT them. Hopefully the urge will have passed by the time you get off the phone or finish doing whatever. If not, get on here and post, do some mindless net surfing, SOMETHING. I know how hard it is, but if you break the habit it does get easier. I called friends I hadn’t talked to in YEARS. Friends from college, friends from old work places, etc etc. and made a lot of really good connections with people that had been out of my life for a while. You don’t have to give them your life story if you don’t want, but a phone conversation with someone will help. Maybe even plan to have lunch with someone from your past (female only, BTW). If we were allowed to share personal information on here I would give you my cell via email and you could call me. I can’t post it here though.

As far as your H’s irritability and moodiness, it is to be expected with these guys. I’ll tell you what I told someone else, don’t take it personally. Don’t point it out to him either. He knows he’s irritable. He knows he’s being a butt, it only makes him feel worse when you point it out. He most likely can’t control it. He doesn’t really want to be a butt, but he doesn’t really know how to NOT be a butt either.

I would say it’s most likely related to depression of some sort. Whether clinical or something else, I don’t know. Men tend to express depression very differently from women. Whereas we cry and get all down, they get moody and irritable. Sometimes they can even get downright mean. I’m pretty convinced that MLC is just fancy term that people use to describe depression that occurs in midlife.

These are my thoughts. I feel pretty sure that H knows that OW & I have been talking, he may even have been w/ her when I called today. Is he really hanging w/ his buddy or is he going to see OW? I don't know, but if he's seen OW there is no way she didn't tell him we talked. If she did, it would have made him angry, it may make him work hard to reassure her, but her doubts are very strong now. She may have told him that she won't see him anymore - I think that's what will eventually happen. His anger could be b/c his secret is out again and he is feeling trapped & frustrated, or it could be that I have ruined things for him w/ OW by telling her the truth. I know, don't try to guess what he is thinking, what he is doing, what H & OW are talking about.

Try not to second guess if he tells you what’s wrong. He may actually be telling the truth. One big thing I have learned in all of this is not to read too much into situations. I have found that my mind can come up with the most elaborate of details and stories and scenarios about things. Usually the stuff that my mind comes up with would make a great novel, but has no bearing or relation to what happened in real life. The stuff my mind comes up with is usually far far worse than reality too. I’m the worst about it. I still do it from time and time and have to catch myself to stay grounded. That last paragraph you wrote jumping all over the place is so typical, but try not to second guess things so much. Just let it go and focus on what you need to do, not on what he is doing right now.

Don’t assume he knows you guys have been talking, don’t assume he doesn’t know, don’t assume she said she wouldn’t see him anymore (hate to break it to you, but unless you get lucky there isn’t a snowball’s chance in h@ll that she’s going to give up that easy. ) Expect her to cling. Expect her to be right there waiting every time he wants to run back. It’s typical and it’s likely despite the doubts you’ve placed in her mind or the doubts that she already had before talking to you. She will hold on with every fiber of her being. Be prepared for it. It’s a strong hold and takes about 6 months of N/C to break completely (some even longer).

I agree with Bill, BTW. Nothing you did yesterday is the death stamp on your marriage. It’s only a small backslide.

One big thing that others have mentioned and it’s so very very true. This journey will be so much easier if you stop trying to handle everything on your own. Give it up to God. Let him do the work on your H. Your job is to be the supportive, loving, upbeat, wonderful wife that your H fell in love with. Ask God to help you with that too. When you work on being the person you would want to be with, putting your focus on God everything else really does seem to start to fall in place on its own. I was simply amazed, looking back at some of the things I said and did that were definitely being led by God’s hands. There is absolutely no way I could have done most of what I did without Him. I’m not sure if you’re religious or not, but I would suggest using this time away this weekend to pray and establish a connection with God. He will help you devise a good game plan. Sometimes the piece to the game plan are laid out in front of you, sometime they come spur of the moment, but it really will happen if you just let it.

Good luck.

BTW, I post sometimes on that other mid life crisis sight. Same name as here, just add 127 at the end. I have a thread in the women’s forum, but you have to be registered and get a password to access it. If you drop by let me know it’s you.

BFM