Trying ... well if you can call it that, I guess.

[Abbey]

Journaling ...
Met with the T yesterday, I felt much better leaving there, than when I got there. I feel good about pushing back hard. No more enabling his lying to me.

Today, my resolve seems different too. Regardless about the deception, regardless of the lies etc... and the fact that this should have never gotten to this point - I care about him. I care about his welfare, and I care about him being taken for a ride. Yeah, I"m still protective of him. And yes, I still love the man he was. He may come back, (and yeah I know too...he may not.) It is part of the reason I cannot completely let go though. The age diff, a transition relationship, MLC etc, all statistically have "this probably isn't going to last" written all over it.

After all, this is Divorce Busting, ... and sometimes pushing back hard (LRT), going dark, and just going about your life does (in the words of the LRT post here online)... that doing so can in itself draw them back to you.

I love this man. I understand WHY we got here and as such the pieces of this I can attempt to forgive, given if he ever had proper remorse. But it's also how I'm finding I can let go. It'll be good not to feel such exhaustion every time I had to see him. It'll be probably more like once a month or only every so often, after we finish up a few more ends. Limited to almost NC,... he'll then really get to see changes in me,... missing me though?... well we'll see. Patience, right Michelle? I've got nothing but time at this point.

Anyone see Dr Phil yesterday. The couple where the husband had an affair and the wife caught him, and what Dr P had to say to the couple! I was so impressed with the words used (and I'm usually not a Dr P fan... tooo.. .trailer park for me)... but this thing he said,... was exactly what my H will have to HEAR, and be willing to accept/own as what he did to me, to us. More philo of my own - I have a new Owner's Manual now. Might he ever get there? This is his process, only time will tell. I won't expect it, but it's what I will want if there is a reconcile.

Anyway, I went out last night. I FORCED myself to go out by myself to a blues jam where everyone were strangers. I didn't join in. I sat, I listened. BUT I didn't melt into a puddle of tears. I even stayed up past my normal bedtime ... (sleep is an escape for me). I'm going to try to go out again to another "thing" on Thursday.

Abbey - trying to survive.