New to this forum and need help..

[tmarie]

Updaye - Journaling...LONG POST

Well things have been going well here. H and I made the trip to Boulder to meet with Michele, it was a GREAT experience, but I have to give my H a lot of credit. He went not knowing anything about Michele, her books, seminars or the name of her office, so even when we walked to the door of her office and saw "Divorce Busting Center" he did not turn tail and walk away. That said alot to me.

We both learned alot about ourselves and eachother. About how we communicate and being truthful, saying the real truth. I can't wait to share with you all what I have learned. I left feeling good, really good. I think H did too. All we could do after our meeting with Michele was hug.. all the way down the elevator...

We both left knowing we had met a truly amazing person, she opened our eyes, gave us a different perspective on our individual lives as well our our life together. What will happen with our M is unclear but we both have alot to think about, and no matter what happens we are better people and will have better relationships.

We spent the rest of the afternoon together, touring the mountains which we both love. When we returned home there was a distance between us, I know he was texting or calling OW - I could feel it, and though it hurt at the time, I now look at it as we are still processing, his feelings have not changed over night nor will they. But in time things will only get better but they almost always get worse..which they did lastnight..

Lastnight my D14 was mad (which I think is a teenager thing).. She and H had an argument to which I was called to referee.. Once in the game it became apparent that there was more going on. She was crying but not wanting to tell us why. We told her that she could talk to us about anything, comforted her. I asked if she was thinking abou the Divorce and she wouldn't say anything other than she wasn't ready to talk she was mad. We did not press, and told her when she was ready we were there to listen.

She came to me a little while later and asked to speak with me, so we went some place private to have a chat, that is when H's world changed. D14 gave me a note which read:

Mom, I don't know if you know already but I need to show you.

Love, D

I of course immediately knew what she was talking about. She found text messages on H's phone to and from OW. WEEKS AGO.... My D14 has known about her and has been keeping all those feelings inside and feeling guilty for not telling me. The pain in her heart was visable through her eyes. I thought telling her about the D was painful, here she knew this detail and had kept it to herself, protecting me, or H and herself. How awful she must have been feeling... and I didn't know. We thought we were careful....He thought he was careful...

TIP: TEENAGERS KNOW MORE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY THAN ANY TRAINED, EDUCATED EXPERT....

She couldn't get the words out, she only handed me the note and the phone with the messages on it...I told her that I knew and I did not want to see the phone or the messages - and I didn't, I think my heart would have broken in a million peices and I couldn't let her see me break down, this was about her, and what she was feeling...I told her thank you for being such a strong person, telling the truth, and that she should not bare this on her shoulders, Dad and I are working on this, we are working together to make our lives better, no matter what the outcome. That we both love her and I was sorry she has carried this for so long. I also told her that H needed to know she knew this, and that I would fill him in, (She said she never wants to talk about it with H) She is so confused, and mad.. I told her that is ok, but she needs to talk to someone.... journal it, talk about it. (BTW - I did this all without crying.... )

So I had to tell H... I did that too with out anger, resentment or crying... He is at a very low point right now, and I was there to support...(not OW) Things have not turnout as he had envisioned. We shared a bed lastnight, I hugged him, kissed his neck and told him if he needed me I was there. - later he put his arm around me and held me... He needed that comfort as much as I did. Sacrifice....

Love is about sacrifice, loving someone they way they want to be loved, not in the way you want to love them... Something Michele taught us both... Real Truth - not partial, not sarcastic, not secret truth but outloud and clear, tell your S what you want, and need... I found out soooo much... My H wanted more children... I thought he was joking... he wasn't... He thought I would never have any more because I thought they were too much work - he was right, however, I would have embraced the idea if I knew he was serious... but he never asked...

ASK - LOVE - BE TRUTHFUL and LEARN... all of these books we have all been reading should have been read before marriage, I know what I am giving to all engaged couples on there wedding day....

I have been making the right changes in my life, and he has noticed, and its all positive. I think he is making changes too. We have definately reached a new and better understanding of one another. Though R & M talk has been put on hold, it is for the best, we both have so much to think about and work to do on ourselves..I am and will continue to be in DB mode as it is working..HE HAS NOTICED and wants me to continue, and wants me to be affectionate, and wants to embrace those changes. I know that because he told me the truth.

I do not know if this inspires or helps anyone, but I hope you can take something away from this. I hope that if you have questions you will ask, if you have advice you will advise me and aI hope that you can all see that there is a rainbow on the other side, there is hope.. there is love and there is life, we all have those things and though they do not alway happen as we wish, its in ourselves to make our own happiness not the resposibility of our S. Make sure you let them know that... Our unhappiness is not a failure of our S. Happiness is a feeling we have when we make ourselves happy, by doing and saying things that bring good into our lives.

all for now...

have a great day!

t