haunted by memory of Ow

[LuvMyHusband]

The OW is across the country now. He is with me all the time now, it's just the memories. I know I can't control those it's just hard to know that he is thinking of her fondly. And he is. As he described it, she was his friend and a nice person, she was even kind enough to tell him he should try to work it out with me. What's crazy is that I picture this conversation taking place as they are lying in bed with each other!!! That's probably because the picture I saw of her was a sexy pose (fully dressed) standing in front of her bed. B----h. Oh yeah, I forgot, he doesn't want me saying anything derogatory about her. That hurts alot that he defends her to me. I feel like he cares more about her feelings than mine, it sure seems as if he took care to protect hers.

The other night I told him calmly that I am very hurt and that I feel that he still has feelings for her (by keeping the picture just last month) and that he won't forget her (he signed his email...I will never forget you). He covered his eyes and then looked at me and said that was written a few months ago and that he doesn't feel the same now. It's hard for me to believe him now. If he wasn't thinking of her or was over her then why email himself her picture?

What bothers me too is that he does things, knowing it would hurt me if I knew. I don't get it. I am struggling to feel close to him, haven't been able to say ILY (maybe because I'm not sure I believe him when he reciprocates) and I have to make myself hug him goodbye when he leaves. It's not that I don't love him. I was thinking that I remind myself of the puppy that has been abused. A person reaches out to the puppy, the puppy wants so badly to go to the person but hesitates to go all the way, not trusting.

You guys know how hard it was for me to trust. I put myself out there and was trusting him for really the first time and he burnt me. He wants me to trust him but yet he does things that cause me not to. I don't get it!