Trouble DB'ng Again..How Do I Forget?

[water2moon]

Sara, thank you but for now I just need to go a week without fighting and get back to some sort of normalcy before I can ever get him to go with me..My H is one of those people who doesnot communicate well..He is VERY private so as much as I'd love for him to go i doubt he will..but I plan to wait and see. right now we barely speak..It's sad..I want to yell at him or shake him or something..but I won't..I know it will just push him farther away..so for now my goal is to keep the peace..Pray for me..I'm goign to need it..I let my emotions rule me..very bad habit..

[water2moon]

Ok So yesterday I broke down again..Still have not seen the C..I spent the entire day wallowing in self pity.not attractive..I was ok in the AM but then before he left for work in the evening I lost it again..I started asking him questions and asked him how many times he slept with the OW in the 3 mos they were together..I just kept imagining him touching her and telling her that he loves her during and kept on crying..I was mean to my kids and told them I needed space..Then they started crying and told me I was a bad mother..He was a little understanding and it didn't turn into another big brawl but I could tell he was ticked..I am so tired of being the one who seems to have to do the work to fix the mess he created..how can he expect me to just forget?? I printed something out that I found on the web about how the betrayed person feels and asked him to read it..today is day 3, still has not bothered to read it..why should I be the only one who cares? that's how I feel..Some days I want him gone cause this is so hard..but then I wonder if his leaving will just make it hurt more..

[water2moon]

this is what I asked him to read..Makes a lot of sense as this is exactly how I am feeling..


For The Person Who Was Betrayed:

Your reactions may range from wanting to get the person back at your side at any cost, to kicking him or her out at the least provocation. And, you may cycle from one to the other throughout the recovery process. You can figure on at least a year to really get over most of it. It is a grief process. You've had dreams crushed and trust shattered. It will take a long time. You need a resource network besides your partner. That means friends, family, minister, counselor. Grief is sadness, and often depression and anger mixed in. You need to hear repeatedly that your partner is sorry and really means it.

Your biggest problem is that your partner is going to believe that the two of you should just put it all behind you and get on with life. He or she will think that what happened really didn't matter that much, that relationship with you is what really matters, and now it is recognized. Your partner will want to just move on. You are not going to be able to do that. That's why you're going to need the help of that therapist.

For The Person Who Had The Affair:
You may think you know what your partner is going through, but you don't. You will typically get over the affair fairly quickly and expect your partner to do the same. It doesn't work this way.

If you're going to be successful you're going to have to learn to say "I'm sorry" on a daily basis, ad nauseum, for at least a year. It will be very trying for you because you just won't get it. You won't get how wounded your partner is, and how long the recovery is going to take. You won't want to take full responsibility for how much harm you've created. You're going to feel like it is all about beating up on and blaming you.

But you're going to have to learn to live with it all. It is called the consequences of your behavior. None of us like this very much. It is difficult. But it is the real deal. To be successful in this recovery you're going to have to shoulder the responsibility and really become a "big" person.What a challenge you face!

Trust:

Trust is merely my ability to predict your future behavior based on my observation of your past behavior. After an affair, trust has been ruined. Everything is brought into question. The partner who strayed needs to have the willingness to have all behavior now be totally transparent.

The only way to re-establish trust is to build up another large reservoir of past behavior that is trustworthy. The person who strayed always believes that trust should be re-established much more quickly than is actually possible.

[Sara]

This sounds kind of like the book After the Affair by Janis Spring. You may find that book helpful, especially if you can get your husband to read it too.

[water2moon]

Gosh I wish! I can't even get him to read a stinking piece of paper!! I am so mad..this is so unfair.. Less than A year ago I thought everything was fine between us..Little did I know my H had fallen out of love with me..I know that all of my pushing and arguing has made it worse..yet i can't seem to get over the hurt..today so far I've kept myself busy..it's his one night off and he is now asleep. Will be going to bed shortly..I will not get upset when he doesn't reach out to hold me tonight, I will just sleep..God I really wish I had my husband back in every sense of the word..right now this feels like a business agreement..really stinks..

[Sugar and Spice]

quote=water2moon]God I really wish I had my husband back in every sense of the word.[/quote]

Me too sweetie! ((((W2M))))[

[water2moon]

ok so here I am again..I tossed and turned for about 2 hours..Maybe it's just me but I have a feeling that H is doing this on purpose..I mean if he knows that showing me some affection will make me happy then why doesn't he do it? He did this for a mere 2 weeks and then blamed me for stopping. Said I wasn't satisfied because i continued to ask him questions about the A while he wanted me to just forget. So i'm laying in bed and he has his back turned to me, he sleeps more than 12 hrs and I feel that he's either depressed and missing the OW or he's with her again..But let me say this..If I find out he is with her he doesn't deserve these kids..The OW tried to hurt them with the texts she sent them and he told me he hated her after that..I personally could never respect someone who did that to my kids..but because the kids never actually saw them maybe he can find it in his heart to forgive her? Maybe he is still with her and here I am trying to save a marriage that can't be saved..I am so torn..

[bluerain]

Water, Im sorry to hear your frustrations! Is there something that will make you feel great about yourself?

Everytime I see my H I sob, sometimes I can control myself until he leaves, last time it was all about how I just wanted someone to hold me and make me feel safe. Its almost like I can watch myself doing the things that I know are wrong!

I signed up for motorcycle riding lessons, and... holey moley, leather makes me feel great, and its not only a 180, but it also serves as me GAL'ing. Totally out of character for me, can you take up an instrument, volunteer at the women's shelter, or get a snake, or a rat, learn to scuba dive, become a firefighter, start woodworking(power tools are a girls best friend!), learn to sing? Something totally new may take your mind off of how completely F'd life is, helping you Act As If, and give you something to look forward to! Who knows, maybe you will find your passion and not have to ACT as if.

As far as not sleeping goes, some may find it offensive and disrespectful, but I fall asleep most nights now praying. I dont know how you feel about it, but talking to God is pretty much all that can absolutely settle my mind. I can express my darkest doubts and fears during prayer. If you arent comfortable with that, try journaling, or writing letters, take them to the beach, or the back porch and burn them. Figure out how you can get it out without being damaging.

[water2moon]

Hi Blue, I do pray to god every night for strength..And I have started journaling..but H always finds my journals so I start a new one. I really need to DB and start focusing on me. Do I want H or do I just feel that I need him? I've gone from one serious relationship to the next in my life and I think i have a fear of not having a man in my life. Possibly cause my dad walked out on us when I was 13 to move in with a 20 yr old.Adults sure do know how to mess kids up..Now I'm afraid that i'm doing the same to my own precious girls..I know H does NOT want to seperate or get a Divorce..But I'm afraid his motives right now are a bit selfish..i want a husband, not a roomie who pays my bills..I bought some Tylenol Pm to take tonight. He left for work and i'll be alone again..Hate sleeping alone, hate his schedule..But I suspect he likes not sleeping near me..

[Starshyne]

Go to your doctor and get on some sleeping meds for now. They have helped me out a little bit.

Is your H reading your journals? That would majorly tick me off. A sign of respect is not reading your thoughts. Have you made it clear to him that your journals are for you and he is not to read them? How about an online journal just for you to see? I have used livejournal before and you can make it for your eyes only.