Helping OW??

[Cinderellaman]

If you think you need to forgive him now, then wait until he comes home...
That is where the real work begins.
It is so much easier to DB from a distance then when they are close by.
Keep working on yourself...your issues.

I often think about that, and I wonder if it will be possible, if making love to H will ever be carefree again, or if I will forever wonder what ow was like, I often pray that if I'm ever lucky enough to get to be a part of restoring my marriage, that I will be able to actually forgive....

[fooled again]

BND,

What you say is true, and I have read it many times here, that all the bad emotions and memories come to the surface when they come home. For the two weeks that we were piecing after H told me he was choosing home, it started out good, but I could feel the memories coming on fast and furious. When we ML I had a really hard time getting pictures of H & OW out of my head. Still do. That is why I say it is a choice to forgive, it is hard work, and it is ongoing.

Early on in this process, a few weeks after the first bomb (Aug/06) I remember my H talking about forgiveness - he was looking for it so badly in me, in my eyes, in my actions. I was still so raw, so hurt, so afraid that it was very difficult for me to show him what he needed to see. At the time he blamed that for his going back to OW, but I now know that it wouldn't have mattered. He was in full replay mode.

But there has been very little distance for the past 2 yrs. We maybe went 2 weeks at most w/out seeing or talking to each other, and it because of me not him. Since we have been S, H has always tried to maintain contact, see me, talk to me, text me, come to the house several times a week. I would imagine it would be much, much easier to DB from a distance - I've never had that luxury (????). Just when I get my feet planted firmly on the ground, H comes along & wants to get closer, then pulls away & I am left cleaning up the mess (both for myself and for D).

My world is more of detached contact w/ H b/c we enjoy each other's company, have an incredible physical connnection, have similar interests & love to spend time together w/ our D. If it weren't for OW, my sitch would be a very different story.

FA

[fooled again]

Well for the first time in days H spoke to me as he did when he was in his anger/replay stage. He sounded cold, distant, angry and reluctant to talk about what he was doing. Up to today he was friendly & pleasant w/ me.

I had to call H earlier today to ask about money as he has been very inconsistent w/ support payments and things are starting to fall apart for me financially - I have missed some payments and got a call from the bank today. I am paying the mortgage and bills on my own, not to mention credit card payments. I knew this would not be great news to him, but I have been putting off dealing with these things as I had been distracted w/ our R issues.

In the same convo also asked if I could borrow his camper this w/end. First thing he asked was who I was going with. I said no one, just wanted to get away. That convo ended okay, but H did sound kind of down. Money is a big issue w/ H so I'm pretty sure it put him in a negative mood, being reminded that he has no money and is hugely in debt.

On my way home I decided that I would call OW. Don't say a word - I know what you're all going to say. My intention (or at least one of them) was to see if OW was planning to call me again - I have been waiting for her to call and it has been very distracting. I guess I was looking for closure on that so I could get her out of my head, and I know I was hoping to hear that she had not seen nor heard from H. I know that it was a foolish thing to do. She didn't answer nor return my call & I didn't leave a msg.

Then when I got home (about an hour later), H called me, sounding cold and short. He said I could use the camper & he'd have to show me some things about it. I said whenever it was convenient for him would be fine w/ me. I asked what he was doing tonight & he said he was hanging w/ a buddy, but was reluctant to talk about it. I tried to be pleasant & upbeat, but then I asked him what was wrong. He said he was grumpy, he'd had a frustrating day w/ work, but it was more than that, I know. I asked if we could be pleasant w/ each other & wanted to know how we could go from Sun night (ML) to hanging out last night kind of relaxed, to this. He made a snarky apology & commented about him being a rotten person and too inconsistent for me.

These are my thoughts. I feel pretty sure that H knows that OW & I have been talking, he may even have been w/ her when I called today. Is he really hanging w/ his buddy or is he going to see OW? I don't know, but if he's seen OW there is no way she didn't tell him we talked. If she did, it would have made him angry, it may make him work hard to reassure her, but her doubts are very strong now. She may have told him that she won't see him anymore - I think that's what will eventually happen. His anger could be b/c his secret is out again and he is feeling trapped & frustrated, or it could be that I have ruined things for him w/ OW by telling her the truth. I know, don't try to guess what he is thinking, what he is doing, what H & OW are talking about.

I guess I'm the worst DBer on earth. I did everything wrong today, and I feel that I am sliding downhill very quickly. I know that whatever damage has been done was my doing, but honestly I could not help myself.

I know there is a lot of head shaking and "I told you so-ing" going on, but there you have it. Why I couldn't stop myself is a complete mystery to me. I guess I know what I need to do now. Detach, detach, detach. GAL, keep busy. Don't call H. Don't call OW. Get back on track. Make a game plan, as BFM suggested and get back to DBing. I need to find some peace again. God help me...

FA

[Creed]

Sigh

Just remember, you may have alot more positive days/nights if you would just LET God help you, and you just LET go of all this.

You've been trying to control and manipulate all of this, and you realize that. You've also seen the outcome everytime you do this..and that will never change unless YOU do.

I kept running into the same brick wall in the beginning too , but Honey...you're definitely the Master of Brick Bumping!! LOL

Stop making excuses for doing what you do, and just let it go.

Protect yourself financially, and let God do the rest, for both you AND your H. You have to see by now that your way of doing things is NOT giving you peace of mind or any real sense of self-empowerment. Start respecting yourself, and stop worrying about what your H or OW thinks, feels, etc.

Getting out of your mind what they may or may not be doing is hard, I know. But really... who really wants to know. And more than likely, it's probably not nearly as exciting as our imagination makes it out to be.

Get that camper, and have a great time all by yourself!!!

[MidwesternGirl]

No, nobody is going to tell you they told you so but I think you have learned a hard lesson.

Now it is time to change your focus and allow God to take control.

[fooled again]

Now it's time for me to let go completely, let go of H, let go of OW, let go of my obsessing, let go of trying to do anything.

Now it's time for me to take care of me, to do the things I want to do, to learn more, see more, meet people, stretch my wings and see where they take me.

This weekend will help me pull myself out of the quicksand I have fallen into, make a break and start fresh.

I am really looking forward to camping alone, hiking, reading, relaxing and being at peace with myself - no cell phones, no email, no DB forum. Just the sky above, the trees, the lake and my dog.

FA

[Bworl]

To be honest, I don't see what you did that was so terrible yesterday. And the fact that your husband was short with you and appeared grumpy? This is the FIRST time he's been like this?

Yes, you are too deeply enmeshed with the situation I think, but you made no fatal mistakes in anything that you did yesterday.

So you have a getaway planned. That's a great chance for you to clear your head and renew your strength.

Just leave knowing that you have not done anything that has done permanent damage to your DB'ing efforts.

Just my opinion of course.


Blessings,

bill

[butterflymom]

I guess I'm the worst DBer on earth

First, you are not the worst DBer on earth. Everyone backslides.

Ok – so you already know you shouldn’t have called the OW. God gave you a gift by not letting her answer. Next time you get the urge to call her or him – STOP. Find something else to do to occupy your mind. If you are driving, call someone else. Your mom, your dad, a friend, a brother or sister, the date and time number, dial-a-nurse. I don’t care who, but NOT them. Hopefully the urge will have passed by the time you get off the phone or finish doing whatever. If not, get on here and post, do some mindless net surfing, SOMETHING. I know how hard it is, but if you break the habit it does get easier. I called friends I hadn’t talked to in YEARS. Friends from college, friends from old work places, etc etc. and made a lot of really good connections with people that had been out of my life for a while. You don’t have to give them your life story if you don’t want, but a phone conversation with someone will help. Maybe even plan to have lunch with someone from your past (female only, BTW). If we were allowed to share personal information on here I would give you my cell via email and you could call me. I can’t post it here though.

As far as your H’s irritability and moodiness, it is to be expected with these guys. I’ll tell you what I told someone else, don’t take it personally. Don’t point it out to him either. He knows he’s irritable. He knows he’s being a butt, it only makes him feel worse when you point it out. He most likely can’t control it. He doesn’t really want to be a butt, but he doesn’t really know how to NOT be a butt either.

I would say it’s most likely related to depression of some sort. Whether clinical or something else, I don’t know. Men tend to express depression very differently from women. Whereas we cry and get all down, they get moody and irritable. Sometimes they can even get downright mean. I’m pretty convinced that MLC is just fancy term that people use to describe depression that occurs in midlife.

These are my thoughts. I feel pretty sure that H knows that OW & I have been talking, he may even have been w/ her when I called today. Is he really hanging w/ his buddy or is he going to see OW? I don't know, but if he's seen OW there is no way she didn't tell him we talked. If she did, it would have made him angry, it may make him work hard to reassure her, but her doubts are very strong now. She may have told him that she won't see him anymore - I think that's what will eventually happen. His anger could be b/c his secret is out again and he is feeling trapped & frustrated, or it could be that I have ruined things for him w/ OW by telling her the truth. I know, don't try to guess what he is thinking, what he is doing, what H & OW are talking about.

Try not to second guess if he tells you what’s wrong. He may actually be telling the truth. One big thing I have learned in all of this is not to read too much into situations. I have found that my mind can come up with the most elaborate of details and stories and scenarios about things. Usually the stuff that my mind comes up with would make a great novel, but has no bearing or relation to what happened in real life. The stuff my mind comes up with is usually far far worse than reality too. I’m the worst about it. I still do it from time and time and have to catch myself to stay grounded. That last paragraph you wrote jumping all over the place is so typical, but try not to second guess things so much. Just let it go and focus on what you need to do, not on what he is doing right now.

Don’t assume he knows you guys have been talking, don’t assume he doesn’t know, don’t assume she said she wouldn’t see him anymore (hate to break it to you, but unless you get lucky there isn’t a snowball’s chance in h@ll that she’s going to give up that easy. ) Expect her to cling. Expect her to be right there waiting every time he wants to run back. It’s typical and it’s likely despite the doubts you’ve placed in her mind or the doubts that she already had before talking to you. She will hold on with every fiber of her being. Be prepared for it. It’s a strong hold and takes about 6 months of N/C to break completely (some even longer).

I agree with Bill, BTW. Nothing you did yesterday is the death stamp on your marriage. It’s only a small backslide.

One big thing that others have mentioned and it’s so very very true. This journey will be so much easier if you stop trying to handle everything on your own. Give it up to God. Let him do the work on your H. Your job is to be the supportive, loving, upbeat, wonderful wife that your H fell in love with. Ask God to help you with that too. When you work on being the person you would want to be with, putting your focus on God everything else really does seem to start to fall in place on its own. I was simply amazed, looking back at some of the things I said and did that were definitely being led by God’s hands. There is absolutely no way I could have done most of what I did without Him. I’m not sure if you’re religious or not, but I would suggest using this time away this weekend to pray and establish a connection with God. He will help you devise a good game plan. Sometimes the piece to the game plan are laid out in front of you, sometime they come spur of the moment, but it really will happen if you just let it.

Good luck.

BTW, I post sometimes on that other mid life crisis sight. Same name as here, just add 127 at the end. I have a thread in the women’s forum, but you have to be registered and get a password to access it. If you drop by let me know it’s you.

BFM

[cat03]

FA, sorry your H still has his head up his butt. I am glad you decided to let go, and truly do, if this man wants to be in your life for better and for worse he will come back to you. I'm pretty ware of ow, I too had a long talk with bewildered/lied to ow, sobbing her heart out, asking me why he did this, why drag her along and lied to her. I took all she said with a grain of salt and made sure I didnt' believe all she said, for she loved him and she had a differetn version of the facts from stbx.

He may/may not be lying to her again and tell her how you are the crazy one who wont' let go of him even as he's told you it's over (she will believe this for she wants him). He can be saying all sorts of things, so beware if you talk to ow again, if she needs T then she can get an IC.

The man has lost his spine, keep your distance hon.

[brandnewday]

This is how we learn...

Nobody on this board is going to say anything bad to you about a bad choice...we have all made them, every single one of us. We are here for you to help you to find your way through this mess.

Enjoy your time away...relax!!