Helping OW??

[fooled again]

Well for the first time in days H spoke to me as he did when he was in his anger/replay stage. He sounded cold, distant, angry and reluctant to talk about what he was doing. Up to today he was friendly & pleasant w/ me.

I had to call H earlier today to ask about money as he has been very inconsistent w/ support payments and things are starting to fall apart for me financially - I have missed some payments and got a call from the bank today. I am paying the mortgage and bills on my own, not to mention credit card payments. I knew this would not be great news to him, but I have been putting off dealing with these things as I had been distracted w/ our R issues.

In the same convo also asked if I could borrow his camper this w/end. First thing he asked was who I was going with. I said no one, just wanted to get away. That convo ended okay, but H did sound kind of down. Money is a big issue w/ H so I'm pretty sure it put him in a negative mood, being reminded that he has no money and is hugely in debt.

On my way home I decided that I would call OW. Don't say a word - I know what you're all going to say. My intention (or at least one of them) was to see if OW was planning to call me again - I have been waiting for her to call and it has been very distracting. I guess I was looking for closure on that so I could get her out of my head, and I know I was hoping to hear that she had not seen nor heard from H. I know that it was a foolish thing to do. She didn't answer nor return my call & I didn't leave a msg.

Then when I got home (about an hour later), H called me, sounding cold and short. He said I could use the camper & he'd have to show me some things about it. I said whenever it was convenient for him would be fine w/ me. I asked what he was doing tonight & he said he was hanging w/ a buddy, but was reluctant to talk about it. I tried to be pleasant & upbeat, but then I asked him what was wrong. He said he was grumpy, he'd had a frustrating day w/ work, but it was more than that, I know. I asked if we could be pleasant w/ each other & wanted to know how we could go from Sun night (ML) to hanging out last night kind of relaxed, to this. He made a snarky apology & commented about him being a rotten person and too inconsistent for me.

These are my thoughts. I feel pretty sure that H knows that OW & I have been talking, he may even have been w/ her when I called today. Is he really hanging w/ his buddy or is he going to see OW? I don't know, but if he's seen OW there is no way she didn't tell him we talked. If she did, it would have made him angry, it may make him work hard to reassure her, but her doubts are very strong now. She may have told him that she won't see him anymore - I think that's what will eventually happen. His anger could be b/c his secret is out again and he is feeling trapped & frustrated, or it could be that I have ruined things for him w/ OW by telling her the truth. I know, don't try to guess what he is thinking, what he is doing, what H & OW are talking about.

I guess I'm the worst DBer on earth. I did everything wrong today, and I feel that I am sliding downhill very quickly. I know that whatever damage has been done was my doing, but honestly I could not help myself.

I know there is a lot of head shaking and "I told you so-ing" going on, but there you have it. Why I couldn't stop myself is a complete mystery to me. I guess I know what I need to do now. Detach, detach, detach. GAL, keep busy. Don't call H. Don't call OW. Get back on track. Make a game plan, as BFM suggested and get back to DBing. I need to find some peace again. God help me...

FA