Here's a lightbulb moment I had with Purple on another thread when she asked, "I'm interested gypsy....what ways would he manipulate you, and more importantly for me, how do you recognise it in time so that you don't fall for it and don't turn into a bumbling mess?"
The short answer
It starts with a change in perception. If my focus gets lost and/or I get baited/trapped/put on the defensive, I pay attention to what changed.
Below is my sorta list:
talking me in circles, placing all the blame on me telling me how difficult it is for him, how much pain I'm causing him using the children... using anger bullying intimidation threatening ("It will get ugly for you and the kids..) when I feel myself getting emotionally out of control.. not the huge kind, just starting to feed just a little into "He should know this" yelling
Anything that shows a lack of respect on his part is a major red flag.
It's a process. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I forget. But, the BS meter never lies.
During a phone call he started talking about something. I told him I wasn't going there because I knew he would talk circles around me, and it wouldn't go anywhere.
Something clicked a little later that he'd been doing that to me for years. That I'd be focused on one thing, we'd talk and the next thing I knew it was something completely different and I'd be incredibly confused. Realizing that it was intentional woke me up.
I described that interaction to my lawyer who told me he took advantage of the soft spot I felt for him, that he manipulated me and bullied me to get what he wanted. That he would make it so I was the one being blamed for everything. Hmmm. The next time he called about something that was upsetting him, I listened. His swirling conversation thing started, I stopped it. Then it went on to something else and I eventually told him what he wanted to hear.
I stopped talking to him on the phone, keeping it on email for a point since I ended up always feeling pressured and attacked. He then would write something, after we'd had some positive exchanges.. "We need to talk directly to make sure none of the details of the kids are left out." I couldn't imagine any more detail, but since it had been positive, I called. BANG.. he jumped on me about something. As I was battling that, I added "using the children" on the list of don't fall for.
By now I had..
talking me in circles, placing all the blame on me look at how much pain you're causing me using the children...
and as my brother would say.. a pretty good bullshit meter registering things.
As things that came up, I'd pay attention to my voice/BS meter inside while listening or emailing him. If something registered, I'd pay attention to it and add it to the list.
People's responses to my interactions helped. After one conversation where he was screaming at me (amazing!) imp wrote.. Look what good control you had.. as he was out of control yelling.
Aha... added "using anger as intimdation."
So my list which has been in my head is..
talking me in circles, placing all the blame on me look at how much pain you're causing me using the children... using anger as intimidation bullying intimidation threatening ("It will get ugly for you and the kids..) yelling
I've hung up on him a few times, but usually call right back.
Learning the fine art of "click", disconnecting the call when it gets abusive/out of control/hurtful/disrespectful is another skill I'm learning. Not promptly replying to emails, letting his calls go to voice message are other things I work on.
I firmly believed he was honest and straightforward. His consistent evolving actions changed that.
He does what he needs to do to get his way. I'm learning it's not my job to placate, calm, fear, agree or disagree with him.
Now I do what's right for me to be healthy, make good choices. His actions forced a tremendous change. It's my decision now, my choice on how I move forward.
