I agree with you if I don't see any signs to be still, keep my mouth shut, and not do anything but wait. I think as long as I pray, keep my faith, and trust in him that it will come out a lot better too.
Anyway my W called today to ask what mail she might have. She is waiting on the paperwork for her car so she can get the tag. She is also waiting for some school transcripts so that she can get enrolled in school in time. I told her what mail she had and ask her how her day was. She seemed upbeat, but was getting some groceries and was headed over to color a friends hair. I only had one question for her, but I didn't ask because she said she needed to get done shopping so she get these things done. I mentioned that I had a question, but I would ask later, I will let you go since you need get your stuff done. She said ok I will talk to you later. Anyway the question I was going to ask was if we may be able to catch up to do something together for the 4th of July?
I'm thinking if we can that would be nice, but if not then that will be ok, I will be making other plans.
Oh yeah, our talk was short and no R talk, trying to stay away form that.
Sandi, was wondering what you thought about all of this.
After reading your post to LosingSunshine it got me to thinking that I shouldn't ask my W that question after all. I think I will maintain the detach approach and do my best to make her miss me. Now, not getting to spend the 4th with her will suck but this may be in order now to keep the big picture in focus and who knows maybe she will bring something up about this weekend. I think I will wait and see what happens, so if nothing happens with her I will go on with my own plans.
I called my W today, I didn't get her, but left a short message to haller back if she got the chance. About an hour and half later she called. I ask her how she was doing, she said she thought she had caught something and had a slight fever for the last week. Talked about her school enrollment. Talked about our savings account, I mentioned I was going to start putting back into it after I paid some bills up. She mentioned, have I thought about moving somewhere cheaper, I said no that would cost more and I was ok here. Anyway said I was just seeing how you were, she said she was bored. She ask if she had any mail, I said yes that was part of the reason I was calling, got your car tag info today. Told her I wanted to ask her a question: Thought I might ask what you thought about catching up on the 4th or later in the weekend for a little bit? She said um, well I already have some plans and I don't feel real good at the moment. Well she said she may come by later tonight to pick up the mail, I said ok. Well I cleaned up, dressed nice, put on a little smell good. Anyway she came by, stepped in about long enough to get the mail. I ask if she lost a little weight, she said she did, told her I liked her top, she said thanks. She was dressed nice. She says well I gotta go my friends her waiting on me, they were going to eat. They drove seperate vehicles and came to the house, but friends never got out. These are the same friends she is living with. I feel like my heart is been ripped out again. Why does she not acknowledge me? Why does she treat me like I don't exist? Why is she scared to talk to me? I wish that I could just talk to her. I love my W more than she knows. I wish that I could express my love and how much she means to me. I wish that I could call her, we could talk and she would hear me out and understand. What would I not do for my W, I can't think of anything. I wish she would let me show her how much I have changed, but it is like she is scared to find out how much I have changed and all the good that there is. I'm not trying to boast, but a lot of people have notice and told me so. Everyone can see and tell me so except the one person that matters to me the most. If my W were to read this would she gain any understanding of how I feel about her? Is her being distant and what looks scared to me a good sign? Is she hiding something? I know something is going on in her head, I can see it. I can't make out if she is wanting to run or if she feels that she is confused. I pray for her and lift her up to the Lord many times everyday. I pray for her, me, and us. I feel like her relationship with God is distant, and this is not her. I know her better than this. When I talked to her on the phone the tone in her voice seem to lack that happiness she is searching for. If she would only talk to me and open up I feel certain that she would she what we use to have, trust me I have changed a lot. I can see the difference in me like we use to be, when I got bad, and now how much I have improved. My actions now would show her the transformation, but she is never around and we can't seem to get together long enough for me to prove myself. I just want so badly to show her. My W means everything to me. I have a love for her that she is looking for, that she has longed for and desires. I so badly want to give her that love that it is killing me to not be able to give it. It feels like tremendous amount of caged energy that is wanting to explode, but not just go anywhere and everywhere, but more like a fine focused beam of light this energy is that would go on a directed path straight to her heart so that she would recieve it all and feel it. She would feel full not missing anything, not wondering anyhthing, but such happiness. She would never have doubts about love in her life, but she would be so anxious and excited to spend every spare minute together. I would have never intensionally done her wrong to send the love of my life running from me. I admit my faults and apologize. I just want my W to give me the chance to show her that I love her, I have always loved her and I always will love her. I still wear my ring, I have never taken it off, I will not break God's covenant. My vows and commitment shall stand. My faith in God has grown and is getting stronger, but I ask of him to make it even stronger, cause this tough, the toughest thing in my life.
In the past before our separation my W tried to talk to me about her feelings. I tried my best to understand and I thought that I did. Now I am at the point that I see what she was talking about and really do understand. Like when she tried to talk to me, now I am in that position and am wondering if it would be wrong of me to try to talk to her about my feelings?
