my crazy mess part 3...

[christarn]

My inheritance paid for the pool...he wants to "bulldoze" the pool as it is growing black mold, and will need a new liner and new pump and filter in order to run properly. he lives on a farm, with a well, so water has to be hauled...he says he sick of maintaining the pool...i said, that must be frustrating, but i hated to see him "bulldoze" the pool, not knowing what was going to happen later down the road with he and I...thus leading into the heated discussion....

am i angry...now? no, i was...now i'm just crying...i didn't even get angry on the phone, even when he said i could use the lessons learned from this R/M and apply them with another man...and i would find someone else to love...

is there anything i can do to help dissipate the anger?

What did I explain....that i was not a mean angry monster bitch anymore, i did not want to go back to the same R/M, but I wanted something better, that I knew all too many times i put my selfish ways first..before our R/M, he said he knew i was sorry, but he was not willing to gamble a third time on me and risk me leaving again...i didn't know how to respond to that one....he asked me if the grass was greener on the other side, i said no, just more to mow, he said i want what i can't have....i said no, i made vows for better or worse, he said our M, is just a piece of paper right now, married people talk and live together...neither of which we do....

angry...he is still so angry....i need to get him to move from this angry stage....the strange thing is, he told one of our friends not to long ago, that i was ignoring him...and didn't know what was up with that....he said he had a bad day yesterday, pool issues today, i didn't address the pool problem...maybe i am the scape goat?

i need to address the pool issue in a fair and balanced way...if we sell it, we will never get what it is worth...33 ft above ground, custom for our house...hate to let it go....would like to offer to help have it shut down for now, until we are at a place to deal with issues...

is he really here...or multiple bad days just stacking up...the conversation started good...we were both laughing, and he initiated the phone call with a text to see if i was working...i think i blundered by stating, something about the R/M...he was not ready nor was i to deal with it

i already had heard multiple times his feelings on what he thought of how i left he has been reminding me all along we would not be in this position, had i not left...and that he would have never done this to me, because you don't do things like that to someone you love. i think, possibly, he still feels as if he has the not good enough mentality...need to get him past that as well....

what is the plan? where do we go from here? no he's off the phone..called around 5:30 we talked for about 40 mins

christa