Still Tryin's 3rd piecing

[S.T. _I Made It!]

This mesg is for GABBY... G, your thread locked up, and I wrote a long mesg, so here it is...

ok. I am glad to hear that you are seeing that your H is showing some sort of interest.

First. of course your don't want your H for who is right now. he's not being himself, and anyone having an A is never themselves. They are living in a delusional world, a self-pleasing world.

BUT. If you can get past who he is right now, and what he is doing, and start living YOUR life, then I truly believe that he could come around. But you need to move on for YOU, and then if he comes around, then wonderful.

All these R talks are just futile. quit it. If he brings them up, then just validate. You know yelling back with arguments will only make him defensive and blame you. Of course he wants to blame you, he doesn't want to admit his wrongdoing, but your making it easy for him to do it. Your making it easy for him to justify him leaving. Start making it hard.

and yes, you can NOT expect anything from him. I know you guys have a child, but in this sitch, you can't expect. unless you want to be hurt and your child be hurt. In time, things will get better in regards to what he does for your D. Unless you never get over this sitch...but I know you will.

A lot of what your H is saying to you is because he's also hurt, he's guilty, he's angry at life, he's just really messed up.

no more R talks okay?

oh, another thing. You keep saying how he doesn't understand love. Obviously he wasn't getting love either. The thing we need to understand is that we all receive love in different ways. Now what he's also going to need to learn is that love is not a feeling. but that will come in time, hopefully sooner than later. I'm not saying that you had to be that perfect wife, but there was something there that he was missing, and I really don't think it was being a perfect wife. I think the biggest problem was you being so emotionally tied to him. I know you were independent doing everything yourself, but I also feel that you were bitter about this and you were not doing these things out of love, and you have been so mentally enveloped in your H, and this is why it is so hard for you to let go. I think this happens a lot. The LBSer is the one who is pulling and pulling emotionally while the WAS is the one who feels drained and pulls themselves further and further away.

I don't know if this is what happened or not. But I do think you lost yourself at some point during the M, most likely when the fertility treatments began and after the baby arrived...and it's so easy to do that because us women are consumed with responsibility, that the H just can't comprehend, but we still have a duty to ourselves to take care of ourselves and put our M first. We can NOT put our baby first. Our M is first. then our babies. this is where many mothers mess up. sure, our babies are vulnerable, and they need considerable care. But when we put our children first, our R with our H's can slowly deteriorate, and therefore puts a rift within the whole family. Of course we should hope that our spouses will just contribute and be the spouse they need to be and do it all together, but we are all human and sinners, not one of us are perfect, so we cannot expect it.

When we put our M first, then it trickles down. The R is healthy, and therefore the R's with the children are healthy. It doesn't mean that you ignore your children, but we need to put our M first and make sure it is good and that the M couple is working as a team. I'm not good at explaining, but I learned this the hard way, and so did my neighbors who were together for 9 years, 6 being M together, had a baby and 1 year later were D'd. They just both didn't get it. And all I could do was be a spectator because neither of them were open to listen.

okay, I'll quit now.

What's important is that you get that house taken care of. You stop allowing R talks, start looking hot, start being fun, start loving life and your H is going to see this and he's gonna want it.

oh, and I'm sure your H is not going to comment on your weight loss, or the house, or whatever. Most likely, he may think...oh, NOW she does these things, but when I was there, she didn't give a crap. blah blah. But him saying you looked pretty was good! I KNOW that your H is noticing these things, and most the time he probably won't say anything because of his pride. YOU just act like the confident little hot mama that you are anyways!