He's never had his hormones checked.....what specialist does this? Endocrinologist? He has had his sperm checked when it took us 2 years to get pregnant (probably due to the fact that we didn't have sex enough, though). There were some issues there, but I did end up getting pregnant with me on Clomid (fertility drug). We have thought about a sex therapist...but all we keep picturing is the kinds of things that will be talked about and we already have issues about our love not being real....!!!!!! He is not sexually experienced, but neither was I when we first met. But, I always WANTED it and wanted him to want me every night. I have a hard time initiating...like the man to take the lead there...and when I did try initiating at the beginning of our relationship I kept getting rejected so I stopped being the initiator. He just never seemed all that interested in sex.
Today is our 13th anniversary. He had a card set out for me on the table this morning (with a WRITTEN NOTE in it, not just the flowery card words), and a dozen red roses were delivered by 9 A.M.
I got H a card and 2 of his favorite special sweets as well as a subscription to this magazine that he has said he'd like to have (He was surprised I remembered).
h4h, I know the sleeping thing sounds kinda backwards but we don't cuddle or touch or anything so it is painful for me to have him there. We both said we want it to MEAN something when we sleep together. The "just friends" thing is just too much anymore. Yes, I do think the performance anxiety is really something that weighs on him.....hard for me to understand....I'm like "if ya want it, come get it, and enjoy it." I think the way he is routine made it good for him to not be there anymore, too. I dont want his new routine to be come to bed, and then go right to sleep.
I do think he is depressed in a way, but he copes by ignoring things in hopes that they go away. The not being able to write in the book made him realize what he had not been doing....hard to deny when you are unable to complete some very straightforward love statements. I didn't mean for it to be that way....I really thought he would like it because I thought it would trigger things to help him communicate. Thanks for your prayers, too. We really need them.
Lost, Thanks for checking in on my post and your prayers, too.
Tell him to go to the regular GP and get a good check up. Tell him to get hormones (like testosterone level) and any other possible health issues checked. Everyone needs to do this every once in awhile anyway. The problem may be mental, but I think it's always good to check on any possible health problems first and then look at mental/emotional.
Down below is something I found online that's kind of interesting....
Notice the first on the list is low testosterone!!! I think you've mentioned that he has always had a low sex drive so that's one thing I'd definitely check on:
>> A study conducted by the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) in February 1999 stated that about 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men suffer sexual inadequacy. Here are some of the possible causes for low libido: Suboptimal amounts of testosterone in the body Stress Not enough sleep Unresolved conflicts in the relationship A desire to control or punish spouse A way to have power over spouse Sexual orientation conflict or confusion Anger Past sexual abuse Working long hours Too much alcohol consumption Male andropause Cardiovascular disease Diabetes Parkinson's disease Endocrine or neurological disorders Hypothroidism Depression Family worries Anemia Arthritis Chronic pain Antidepressants Tranquilizers Antihypertensive medications Illegal substances such as heroin, cocaine and marijuana Infidelity<< <<
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
whatdidido: I'm like "if ya want it, come get it, and enjoy it."
crap whatdidido, slap him up side the head and say wake up.
He has a woman, there for him, who wants to be with him, who is willing to work on their relationship, who is trying as hard as she can. I don't know what to say, touching is such basic non-verbal communication. Its something I miss soooo much.
Sorry, calling it as I see it, I don't mean to offend you or anyone
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
I'm sorry hon but I see alot of things on the list that could be adding to anxiety that your H might already feeling about sex. I'm sure that what you both would need to do is the first would be just touching without having sex as the goal. Just comfortable touching. Give it a shot.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Root- asked H about the hormone level thing in a roundabout way, and found out that they were checked when he saw someone a while back. I had forgotten about that. They discussed the fact that he wasn't able to do what he had to do, and they gave him samples of viagra, etc....never used them because he and I both know the reason we weren't having sex....there were feelings missing....we don't believe it is physical. We believe it is mental. We have talked about this. It is nothing we were uncommunicative about. He had no desire then, and I have no desire for him now. He had no trouble getting off himself back then, however, just not with ME. IT's all so freaking sad.
Jeff- that's exactly how I have felt for 13 years.
Kat- I see many things on that list as well. We have a long road ahead of us. I hope we make it.
I fell apart today. It is beautiful out. I mean ...gorgeous out......and I just wanted to cry all day. I see all of these happy people out there and here I am home, miserable. When H got home and S got occupied I just broke down and started bawling....telling him how unhappy I feel, how tired of being sad that I am, how maybe we should divorce because it seems like the people we know that are divorced are MUCH happier than us. He says he is unhappy, too. I have no strength to get from him. I get nothing from him. I tell him I realize that whole "spark" thing is just the in love phase and that I'm not looking for that with him....but I need to laugh WITH HIM, and be happy with him. Those of you reading this will not believe this but he and I can only think of ONE thing we used to do that made us laugh and that was do these "tickle tackles" with each other. ONE thing our whole marriage. We may have been happier at one time, but never realllly happy.
I said that is what we need to work on.....laughing and being happy together. I know I need to work on myself being happy, but shouldn't your spouse make you laugh at least once a month or something??????? I don't know...I'm rambling..........
Retrouvaille.....9 more days.....I hope it helps us. I know it is a communicative tool, but I don't know if communication is what is lacking....something is missing...laughter, love, respect, I don't know.......God help us.
