What you say is true, and I have read it many times here, that all the bad emotions and memories come to the surface when they come home. For the two weeks that we were piecing after H told me he was choosing home, it started out good, but I could feel the memories coming on fast and furious. When we ML I had a really hard time getting pictures of H & OW out of my head. Still do. That is why I say it is a choice to forgive, it is hard work, and it is ongoing.
Early on in this process, a few weeks after the first bomb (Aug/06) I remember my H talking about forgiveness - he was looking for it so badly in me, in my eyes, in my actions. I was still so raw, so hurt, so afraid that it was very difficult for me to show him what he needed to see. At the time he blamed that for his going back to OW, but I now know that it wouldn't have mattered. He was in full replay mode.
But there has been very little distance for the past 2 yrs. We maybe went 2 weeks at most w/out seeing or talking to each other, and it because of me not him. Since we have been S, H has always tried to maintain contact, see me, talk to me, text me, come to the house several times a week. I would imagine it would be much, much easier to DB from a distance - I've never had that luxury (????). Just when I get my feet planted firmly on the ground, H comes along & wants to get closer, then pulls away & I am left cleaning up the mess (both for myself and for D).
My world is more of detached contact w/ H b/c we enjoy each other's company, have an incredible physical connnection, have similar interests & love to spend time together w/ our D. If it weren't for OW, my sitch would be a very different story.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
