I made it clear I will be the best father I can be, and I hope we can get to being best friends, and I will support her in everything she does, whether its helping go to school or lending a hand or a shoulder.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
What do YOU WANT? If you are ok with the way things are going, then that is one thing. BUT, if you want to try and see if you can change things, I suggest you listen to the advice here.
IT WILL BE HARD - I understand that. I am trying to listen to those that have been through this awful cr@p. For example, I am still paying for the $hit$torm that arose from contacting OMW, BUT it was the right thing to do in my sitch. (The storm appears to be fading a bit).
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
I am listening to the advice here. I am in love with my wife, always have been, and I want to make our marriage work. its detrimental to force her to live with me. I told her today I was moving in, and she told me i had better wait til she finds a place. she does not want to live with me or be with me, however when we sit down to talk all her feelings of hurt come back and she cries and becomes vulnerable. it still saddens her to know it ended up this way. My wife does not want me back. She tells me to accept things the way they are going and that i should read the serenity prayer (accept what you can't change) I basically am requesting advice on how to win her back. Everytime i mention moving back she ends up hating me even more and makes this whole thing harder to swallow. soon neither of us will be living there, so I do not want to risk losing more in a court battle because I angered her by moving back. she gets nasty
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
i need someone here to interject with something along the lines of "if you love something set it free." originally I came on here, and was told if she needs space, give it to her. that was because she told me we might work this out. she lied because the OM spent that night at our house (and got caught). from what I have learned she hasn't been happy with me for awhile. we have seen 2 very good counselors, that have basically told me to accept this, because it takes both parties to want to work, but she is infatuated with her ex (OM). i work 3rd shift and can't watch him at night, so I moved out so he could stay in his home and she had a place to care for him. moving back in does not solve this as I can't take care of him overnight and she has no where to go. Everyone on here is telling me basically to fight her until she hates me to death, and that will win her back ? come on.....
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
I'd move back in. she's the one cheating on YOU! She abandoned the marriage - why should you move?
And yes, let her go. Sure you love her. I love my W. We both need to look at ourselves and ask, "What's wrong with me that I'd be willing to settle for this treatment?" Lack of self-respect.
When OM is involved, there isn't much you can do. She's addicted. She's infatuated. She's giving her emotions to someone else. The only way that will change is a conscious decision on HER part. Not yours. So you can sit around and worry about it all you want, but it won't mean anything. So why not spend that energy on yourself instead? Make YOUR life what you want it to be.
I made it clear I will be the best father I can be, and I hope we can get to being best friends, and I will support her in everything she does, whether its helping go to school or lending a hand or a shoulder.
Good luck with that, Buster. As long as she has that commitment from you, why should she make any changes whatsoever???
i need someone here to interject with something along the lines of "if you love something set it free." originally I came on here, and was told if she needs space, give it to her. that was because she told me we might work this out. she lied because the OM spent that night at our house (and got caught). from what I have learned she hasn't been happy with me for awhile. we have seen 2 very good counselors, that have basically told me to accept this, because it takes both parties to want to work, but she is infatuated with her ex (OM). i work 3rd shift and can't watch him at night, so I moved out so he could stay in his home and she had a place to care for him. moving back in does not solve this as I can't take care of him overnight and she has no where to go. Everyone on here is telling me basically to fight her until she hates me to death, and that will win her back ? come on.....
Buster,
You seem to be simply ignoring everyone's advice until someone tells you what you WANT to do, instinctively. Not to beat you up TOO much, but where have your instincts got you so far??
You want someone to say "passively just let her go"?
OK, let her go. Let her cheat around on you, and kick her out of your own house. Keep making decisions from a position of what won't make her angry.
I really do feel for you, Buster. It hurts to love someone and not feel that love back. It hurts because you are trying to do the right thing (ex moving out) but it is getting you no where. You want to give her space, you want to let her know how much you love her, yet she is still moving towards divorce.
I guess the decision is up to you. Do you want to make her happy and progress how things are going? Or do you want to show her how serious you are about your marriage and get her angry with you for awhile (the anger never stays for long periods of time...trust me)?
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
i value every single piece of advice i get on here. i really do. but when your wife keeps telling you it's over on her end, how can you possibly change her mind by going against her wishes and ticking her off?
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
you can't. That's why you have to concentrate on yourself.
Listen, buster. LOL - that's kind of funny to say. Anyway, she decided things were over a long time and it's pretty darn rare for that to change. I'm just being honest here. But there ARE times when the M can be saved. So if you're committed to your M, the best you can do is toe the line between showing her the person she fell in love with, shining a light back to your M, and reclaiming your life in order to make it what you want it to be.
You can't just react to what she wants - that's not attractive and you're giving up your dignity and self-worth. The whole point of DBing is to regain dignity and self-worth.
So I'm a bit confused about your post. Your W says it's over on her end and she's cheating and generally treating you like crap. And you're worried about going against her wishes and ticking her off?! Have you ever considered that part of the problem might be that she sees you as a pushover who won't pursue what he wants? People who cheat generally go after someone who is more goal-oriented and engaged.
