Well the weekend was excellent but had moments and times of sorrow for me. I'd be hit with this real sense of loss, she wasn't there. All the fun things we'd do as a family weren't quite so complete sometimes. It didn't help that I didn't have much adult company either. I wasn't able to chat with friends even my phone because most everyone was off on their own as well.
The girls had really wanted my wife to join us. They even said so Thursday when we all had lunch together. But my wife evidently accepted an invitation to go to the Outer Banks with what I now know is her male friend. She admitted this to me Sunday night when I dropped the girls off and we got to chatting about our weekends. Honestly I was devastated. Now to add to it, while at the house she invited me to say for dinner.
So yes I did initiate relationship talk. But what I did was try to convey to her all I was asking for that before we make that ultimate decision that we make sure we've done everything possible. I was also asking that she give us the opportunity by giving me an opportunity. In the discussion she acknowledge how I had become an ever better father, I had a positive outlook but she couldn't give any more. To which I said that I have found I can dig very, very deep and what I'd like to do is use that ability to give back to her so she can get back to a point she can give.
We also talked about future relationships and she told me she's isn't sure she can ever love again because of what's happened between us. She said "I lost my best friend and husband." I replied no she didn't loose her best friend, he was lost for a while and now is standing right in front of her, standing trying to do the best he can to support her and help her. At this point we embraced for several minutes. It was a joint embrace and she buried her face into my shoulder and cried.
Our conversation continued and much of it about her hurt how that is the reason for her inability to even consider trying. She is so, so, so scared, so filled with fear. Worse of all it became clear her self esteem has really taken a beating. At this point I told her exactly what I felt, she is stunning in every sense of the word. She's an awesome mother, an awesome friend, super boss and no matter what has happened over the last 10 years she's been a wonderful wife. She thanked me and said it meant a lot to her to hear all of that, especially from me, she hasn't heard that much at all in a long time from anyone. (Boy oh boy I guess I really was f-ing up more than I ever realized. But then again she never did see the things I was doing to say these things or she doesn't remember.)
I brought up the question that has been burning in me for months, so if she can't try and she feels that divorce is where this is heading then why hasn't she filed? Her answer, I guess it's because there are things I agreed to do that I haven't done yet, like getting you off the mortgage. (I don't buy this answer at all but I didn't say that.) So I asked her, are you waiting for me to file? No she said. Do you want me to file, "no I don't expect you to file" was her reply. She kept also saying she wanted me to move on though.
After I left I saw she was online, online until 2 AM. Yes I was online too.
Folks we've hit rock bottom, I mean the dirt under the rock on the bottom. After I got home Sunday night all I could think of was it's time to let go of everything, of the stand, of her, of my belief that divorce is wrong and with love give her the one sign she can see, file myself. Give her that, not out of anger, bitterness, or such but out of love. Let her go completely, let her see that, see me letting go with love, with no expectations of us other than to heal our hearts.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Well I don't know what else to do right now. One thing I realized was how I have been pre-disposed to never quitting. For me letting go has equaled quitting. I spent the last 10 years basically quitting on things and I hated being that person. So quitting is something I have a hard time doing now, like it's against my nature or something.
That said, I'm not sure I know how to let go and it not be quitting. It took a long time for me to learn doing nothing is doing something. Maybe I haven't learned that lesson after all.
Definitely time to do some serious praying and meditating.
Last edited by catfan; 07/08/0808:42 PM.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
That said, I'm not sure I know how to let go and it not be quitting. It took a long time for me to learn doing nothing is doing something. Maybe I haven't learned that lesson after all.
sounds about right.
To take an extreme case:
let's say you're building a boat (a small one ) in your back yard. you work on it every weekend. you get it half built.
Then for a while, you get tired of working on it. So...you do something else with your weekends for a while.
Have you "quit"? no. you're just not working on it for a while. you QUIT... when you haul the thing out to the local landfill, and/or have a very large bonfire.
That's the difference.
Last edited by Dom R; 07/08/0809:43 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
It's been a while for me posting to you. OBE. Overcome By Events. I feel for you. I know exactly what you're feeling. I got some great advice a long time ago by a poster named COG. He just semed to go away. I never see him anymore. He told me the biggest hurdle was not fearing a divorce. I could never get myself there until recently. I don't really care what she does at this point. I don't want to be married to the woman my wife became. I feel that I compromised too much of myself trying to make this right, and the more I fought it, the more ornery she got. My marriage will most likely end in divorce. I no longer fear it. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad and unhappy about it, but when there is no fear GAL is so much easier. It's bul&sh&t that "she'll never fall in love again". Don't buy that. My wife said the same thing. The fact is, who knows if they will or won't. She needs to get over herself, as does my wife! You told her outright that you were right there. Love is a CHOICE after 20 years! Once again, she needs to grow up.
The aspect of not fearing divorce is amazing to me. There were times when I couldn't sit in my own skin. I was shaking, I could not write my own name...fear-based. I came to see, there are worse things than being alone. Iraq certainly helped with that. When you REALLY GAL and leave the door open, that's when things can change. This is the bedrock DB advice. It's esaier to preach it than live it though. I get that. Good luck. Keep posting
I came to similar milestone a few weeks ago, for me it was finding out that there is now a 'male friend' in the picture.
I was seriously tempted to file. My father convinced me to hang fire. So I held off and just changed my goal to an amicable D, filed by her.
That has changed things, I really don't mind if I don't see her or speak to her, in fact in a way I'd prefer not to for a few months. I check myself to not be uncivil when we are in contact (remembering my new goal). I no longer beat myself up about errors I make. It's liberating.
It's another level of letting go.
Maybe worth a try as step before you go ahead and file?
My ultimate goal hasn't changed, I want to build a new, wonderful marital relationship with her. In order for that to happen I have to continue to work on me, specifically be stronger and more independent. I feel like I've probably tried too hard to make this happen and that's basically not working. In other words I MUST LET GO OF EVERYTHING.
I think I am now getting there especially with resolving my conflict of letting go and quitting. My head and heart are getting to the same place, I've done all I can, the ball is in her court. I need to just go be catfan, take care of catfan, focus on being an even better catfan. Doing that is letting go lovingly. If I were to file that's not letting go, that's quitting in a loving but defeated manner, not really attractive either.
Like I said, the ball is in her court and I need to also continue to work emotionally on myself so that I will be fine with whatever outcome happens. I have thought I am there but realize I probably am not as "there" as I think. So like a good boy scout, I've got to "be prepared" and it's time to get prepared.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
OK fun GALing activity on for tonight, Rocky Horror Picture Show! I haven't done this in years. I was driving past a theater that still shows it on Friday nights and thought, that'll be fun. I've gathered a bunch of friends and we are off to toss toast, toilet paper, newspaper and whatever else.
Yes I'm looking forward to the silly, wacky, nuttiness!
Last edited by catfan; 07/11/0801:28 PM.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Sounds like you're doing a good job. I had he advantage of time, distance and a life-altering experience. Not everyone can have that, and it must be absolutely draining for you at this point. I do not wantmy current W. back Period. I cannot live like an unwanted pet anymore, and I refuse to do that. I hope you can somhow buy the distance and time you need to weather whatever storm comes your way. Is there any more evidence that she might be seeing someone else? I remember the secretive conversations from a while back. Infuriating, but all part of the mix.
Not having the FEAR of divorce has been very helpful to me, but it is unforgivable that she would do this to my kids. Hnag tough. Enjoy the show.
) in your back yard.