My new thread - The lost world!

[AbbysDad]

Thanks Jandn for chiming in. I get what you are saying. I try to invision myself with her sometimes but you are right about being around her. Once I do that, I don't want her so much although it sends me into a depressed state. This is all getting to me.

Ted, I had to bride Abby with a new toy for W's new cat. That got her to go but once there she was adorable. Picking out dinner and food for her school lunches. It was fun.

I'm starting to worry about myself. I've been GALing for a while but at the same time I'm not myself anymore. Let's see in the last month I officially "cheated" on my W. Sort of having my own EA with OW and then last Tuesday got so drunk at a friends house that I got sick all over his guest bedroom and then fled the scene at 6am. I still don't remember anything of that night and don't remember my car ride at 6am. This is not normal behavior for me and I haven't had a drink in a week. I scared myself. So I think I took GAL to a new level.

Somedays I want to pick up and take off (with Abby of course). I'm sick of the Bay Area anyway, my family is no real help beside my dad and friends come and go when they choose. My oldest brother has really been there for me and he's in Fresno. Maybe I should pick up and go there....just drop everything. The walls seem to be closing in and I'm tired of holding them back. I don't know...I think I'm just rambling on now.

[jonzy]

Its OK to take GAL to the extreme every once in a while it really helps us to really let loose, but you have to be very careful so as not to jepordize yours and Abbys welfare. I for example have decided to do some extreme sports, although I am not going overboard but I want to do things that me and the W have always talked about but never did. I want those things that will give me a rush to invigorate me.

And I feel you about the walls closing in around you. I have no support out here at all, nadda,zip,zilch! I actually was in such a mood I was ready to pack up and go back to Nebraska so I could be around family and friends. I called my father to discuss my options and he basically told me to face up to my problems and not run. Plus I need to be here for my S and and not 1500 miles away. You just have to be strong and do what is best for you and Abby. I have decided to make a stand for something I believe in and am not going to quit until the fat lady has sung!!

Stay strong


Ted

[AbbysDad]

Yeah I try and do everything for Abby first. I'm just really pissed at everything right now. I've basically lost two friendships in the last week, I don't want to see W anymore and I want to boot MIL because she still does everything in her power for W.

The last three Tuesdays, W has been off. But yet she can't take D to school. MIL says she'll do it although she has to drive 10 miles in the opposite direction and then back to work the other way. This is the Bay Area so that's over an hour. What does that mean for me? I have to get up an hour early too to get Abby ready. All because "W should sleep in on her day off" F-that!!!! She always sleeps in on Saturdays and Sundays because Abby isn't there. She should come get Abby in the morning and take her to school.....she's the freakin mom. But of course she's probably with OM on her off nights or just out partying with friends. I'm so freakin tired of this and the whole living thing. I'm think of cutting cost and booting out MIL. I want Abby myself anyway and then I'll deal with this.

I'm just venting I know. I've been reading a lot of other sitchs and one thing I do see a lot of is at least these other WASs tell the others what's going on...how they feel, what they did. I KNOW NOTHING. I just want to sit W down and tell me how she is feeling, what she did and why so I can move on with my life. I know its not DBing but I just can't wait around, I need to take a year to myself and then move on to the next stage of my life. I'm tired of feeling this way.

I need to rip this bandaide off!

[jandn]

Yes I think we all want answers and its just something you have to let happen just like everything. We brew up these ideas of what we think we should do and what is the right way, but we usually get defeated. You cant have expectations about her though cause she will dissapoint you over and over.

I dont think D has been filed, but maybe that would be an eye opener for your W that you are moving on if you went and filed. Just keep praying and praying especially on them down moments. I know as mine progress, the less time I spend being down. At first it seem it would last for days. Now its just for a few minutes or maybe an hour or two.

[AbbysDad]

I hear ya and up until a week ago I was pretty happy and feelin good about things. But now I'm at a place where she is just ticking me off because of how she ruined our life. Not only the past but even now. She just goes about her business and its like Abby visits her a couple times a week. If that's the way she wants it then I'll just file for custody and she can visit sometimes.

I think I'll go for a jog at lunch in this 100 degree weather. Won't feel any worse after that.

[Phoenixdeux]

I'll just file for custody and she can visit sometimes

You may get there anyway.

As for the MIL. If you do file, I suspect she'll get out. I don't know why she's still staying anyway. This is beyond bizarre. Your wife leaves and her mother stays. What a trade off. Where is your wife staying? Can't her mom and her live together?

My one piece of advice is to try to drop the anger. The family is torn apart..that's true, but this isn't a personal attack. She thinks whatever it is she is doing is the right thing. She actually believes that this is the way to happiness. She'll eventually find that it isn't. Maybe it won't be too late when she figures out that she left a great thing behind.

AD, do you feel as if you have nothing left to lose? If so, then call her up and tell her you'd like to discuss some things. Then calmly and rationally lay it all on the table. Don't accuse. Don't lash out. Just tell her you feel like you are in limbo, want to have some direction, want her mom to move out, and these other concerns of yours. Give her the chance to talk and you to listen. Maybe you'll make some inroads.

Lastly, have you seen a lawyer? I wonder sometimes if it isn't better to strike first if you want to be more sure of custody. If she straightens her life out and starts seeing Abby a ton, you might not have the ammunition to get custody. Right now you have the opportunity because she's so wrapped up in OM. I know D isn't what you want, and I'm not even saying you should, but knowing your options isn't a bad thing. Arm yourself with knowledge.

[AbbysDad]

PD,

I know I'm angry and that's why I really want to wait before I make any decisions. I am very lost right now.

Don't know if you remember the early part of my sitch but MIL has lived with us since early 07 and financially we started to depend on her. Then when this biz first started I was going to move until I found out about OM. Then I booted W. But to afford this place I need MIL (lease is over in Jan). MIL then used most of her extra funds to help W get her apartment (the moron pays only $200 less than we do for a 1 bdr). So financially I need MIL to keep the place Abby has lived in for her whole life.

But I'm starting to feel like if I cut a few things out I can afford this place myself, but then MIL has nowhere to go and she's the only person who's helped us through our whole relationship. Its not that I mind her there (helps with Abby, cleans, etc) but seeing her interaction with W is starting to wear on me. Its a standard mother-daughter R but she's probably the worst person in history with boundaries. My C has even said this. She sets none....even small ones. In fact in 07, she was giving money to W to help with bills and I put a stop to that when I found out because she was basically funding W's three nights out a week.

I have done the lawyer thing a while ago, Cali is a no fault state so I didn't pursue much. But honestly, if I did call her up she wouldn't talk much...she never does. Its always "if that's what you want to do". At the end of May I told her to file for an S or D and she said okay. Of course nothing. She does nothing. I think she's enjoying her single life and wants me to hang in the background until its done. For two months I thought I'd try this and see where I was, but I'm having more and more trouble. I've got no goals, and GALing is actually getting me into trouble.

You are right, PD. I need to drop the anger. Guess I'm just venting because I'm running out of live bodies to vent to. Luckily I have a session today so that may help me through the week.

[Phoenixdeux]

But honestly, if I did call her up she wouldn't talk much...she never does. Its always "if that's what you want to do". At the end of May I told her to file for an S or D and she said okay. Of course nothing. She does nothing. I think she's enjoying her single life and wants me to hang in the background until its done. For two months I thought I'd try this and see where I was, but I'm having more and more trouble. I've got no goals, and GALing is actually getting me into trouble.

Make some goals. Start small. Include the goal of letting go of the anger and frustration. Remind yourself, "it's a difference of opinion. She thinks she's right and so do I." Include things to do for yourself. And GALing didn't get you into trouble..it was just the wrong kind of GAL.

I just don't have a good sense where things now stand or what she wants to do going forward. Everyone has a bit of uncertainty, but yours is ridiculous. Of course, she doesn't have to ask anything about you; she's got her mother right there knowing everything you do, so she doesn't have to be curious. One episode of actually asking what's up is not going to kill your chances. One episode of anything isn't going to. If she doesn't talk or only speaks in uncertainties, then you do the talking. Tell her that you feel like you are in limbo and want to make some choices for your life going forward.

The custody thing doesn't have to do with whose at fault...it's you that have been the custodial parent and her that has been the part-time parent. In this situation, the judge will look at the precedence and see that you have already established yourself as the primary caregiver. That would give you the leg up...not the fact that she's cheating on you.

[Bworl]

AD,

I tend to agree with Phoenix that now might be the time to take some kind of step to stimulate some movement in your situation.

Your wife seems to be in the throes of the OM high. She is getting something that feeds her need for excitement and FEELING, regardless of whether its real or not and regardless of what's been damaged in the process. Attempting to make inroads with her while she's on this high is simply not going to bear any good fruit.

You should be documenting information about her visitation and time spent with Abby, including details if you know of any first hand. Personally, I would be inclined to look in to a legal separation, if such a thing exists in California. My understanding is that the LS would allow you to set a temporary custody arrangement that would be binding and also allow you to take some steps to protect yourself financially from whatever she is doing.

Perhaps being served with papers for a legal separation would provide some time of kick to your wife's backside.

Have you talked with your MIL at all about the current living situation and how odd it is? I would think that she too would find living with a potential ex-SIL to be strange and something to be changed. By all means, if you can swing the finances I would consider getting the house to yourself.

I know this has been traumatic and devastating to you. Though I've not commented much recently, I have followed along with you. You've cycled a good bit through some extremes, but nothing more than we would expect given what you've had to deal with. Hopefully you've learned some things about what is good for you and what is not.

Right now your life revolves around you and Abby. Or at least it should. Your goals should be focused around stabilizing yourself, making YOUR life better in any way possible, and providing and nurturing your lovely daughter. Nothing else is worth your time investment right now. Let your wife flounder.


Blessings,

Bill

[AbbysDad]

Thanks Bill, wondering if you were still keeping up.

Also PD, thanks.

I'm better now. Session went well and in the end I figured why I was so mad at W. We spent all of time together this weekend with D. This was during the days....then she went off and did her thing at night. Basically I felt like I did in the past (even before all this) how we'd be a family during the day and she'd do her thing at night. All those feelings hit me again on Sunday.

But I'm clearer now. Here's my plan. Abby is starting kindergarden Aug 11th. That frees up $800 bucks a month for me in childcare. I want my MIL to find a place between now and then and I want to be a single dad here with Abby. This will also make W step up and be a mom (Abby does need one). This will also allow me to a degree to live on my own. Besides the two years from parents to W, I've lived with someone. I want this and need this.

Now to figure out how to bring it up, although C gave some sound advice. Wish I found her earlier instead of that quack W and I went to.

By the way, my 30 min lunch jog in 99 degrees helped calm me down as well.

Thanks again, Bill and PD.