Helping OW??

[fooled again]

BFM,

Thank you for your post. You have given me much to think about and I see a great many similarities in our sitchs. Your input is extremely helpful.

At the time I think (correct me if I am wrong) you were so convinced that he would choose home that you convinced yourself that you would be OK if he didn't. Now he's leaning away from home and you want to back pedal big time. You issued an ultimatum when you weren't ready for the worst possible outcome to happen.

When I gave H my letter I wasn't convinced he would choose home, and I was ready for the worst possible outcome, I still believe that. H told me immediately that his choice was to come home, and perhaps this was the truth at the time. But I know now that the pressure I kept putting on him to meet my conditions right away was more than he could handle, and that likely led him back to OW. I wasn't patient enough w/ him.

One thing you've got going for you today is that he told you that he wasn't sure when you asked him if you guys were still over. In other words, he hasn't really chosen.

Yes, I agree, this is a good thing. When he said we were "done" last week, I didn't expect him to want to spend time with me again so quickly.

What kind of time line did you give him in your ultimatum? Did you give one? I made sure FW knew that I wouldn't continue on as we were forever. That I just couldn't do it. That if he went through with a divorce that sleeping together would stop and that I would start dating others. I also made sure he knew that we would no longer be friends like we are anymore. That we couldn't keep that close emotional tie to one another. One thing I never did though was give a definite time line. I kept that option open. I didn't want to hem myself in.

Basically my ultimatum letter said that I was letting him go so that he could make his choice, that he needed to be sure about what he wanted and to take the time he needed to do so. I said that if he choses not to be with me, then we could not be friends or have sex or have a relationship except as coparents. I too said that I would wait for his decision, but that I would not wait forever. I did not give a definite time line - it was suggested to me by my non-DB coach, but it didn't feel like the right thing to do.

When my H told me immediately that he had made his choice I should have forced him to take more time. I see that now. Also I should not have continually asked him where he was at in meeting my conditions. I had written my ultimatum letter to reflect my boundaries, and to tell him that I was ready to let him go and move on with my life if his choice was to not come home.

It is clear that H is still not ready to make that choice, and that he needs time and space to do so. He still wants to be around me and know what I am doing and who with.

Some quick advice. When you leave him, don't call him back and ask R questions. Sounds like it wasn't too damaging last night, but no more pressure.

You are right - no more calling after he leaves.

Also, quit telling him your conditions over and over. You sound like his mother. He doesn't need a mom, he needs a wife. He knows, he's told you he knows. Let it sink in. Let him think about it. Get some patience and be still. No one deals well under pressure, esp not an MLCer.

I do not tell him my conditions anymore, I don't bring them up, I don't allude to them and I have no intention of talking about them. When and if H decides to come back to me, he knows what is necessary for us to heal. So no argument there.

I will tell you what I've said on here before. Many will disagree with me. You are in direct competition with the OW. While we should not focus on them as they are not the root of the problem, there is still a competition there. Even Jim Conway admits this as does his wife in their books. As much as I hate to call it this, you are playing a game and you need to play to win. I hate reducing it to a "game" because there is so much more to it than that. Now, you need to get a game plan. You need to lay some stuff out for yourself. Figure out your H. Figure out if he's the type that can cake eat forever, or if the stress of bouncing between 2 women will eventually cause him to break one way or the other.

I think this is the most vital piece of advice I have read so far. My H sounds an awful lot like MFW, the guilt will eventually get to him and I think he does lay out clues so he will get caught. He will break eventually and go one way or the other, I honestly believe that.

FA