Thanks for checking in ~ things aren't so good, unfortunately. H is again feeling that things will never get better, that the only way he can be happy is leave, that although he loves me, he doesn't think he will be able to connect with me again.
After the initial relief of deciding that he would tell me the truth (apparently expecting that it would solve everything in one fell swoop) and the actual conversation, there was a definite pulling away on his part, to which I've been reacting by pulling away in my own way. After stressing about it for a few days, this morning I finally came up with an opening sentence I was comfortable with and an hour later found myself with a H who is thinking of finding a place for August.
I'm trying to tell myself that it was good that we talked, that it is better that he share this stuff with me than keep it to himself. After our conversation he moved towards me a little bit again, at least superficially.
I think I listened pretty well, although I did go off the rails briefly a few times. I've been reading Hold me Tight and found that it kind of gave me permission to tell my H that I love him and need him, that I want our home to be the safe place in which he can 'reinvent' himself (his word), AND that the door is always open, that he can always leave.
Still, I am feeling mostly pretty awful. He was right HERE, he was back, he looked at me so lovingly and it was so great. To have him pull back SO FAR hurts, hurts, hurts.
My S in behind me in the office and if I keep typing, I am going to be sobbing - as it is, I have tears rolling down my face. Both kids sense the ongoing ebbing and flowing tension - this must be so hard for them. Anyway, I am going to sneak out of here and wash my face and then actually get some work done. I hope.
