Helping OW??

[butterflymom]

You’ve gotten yourself into a tough spot with the ultimatum. At the time I think (correct me if I am wrong) you were so convinced that he would choose home that you convinced yourself that you would be OK if he didn’t. Now he’s leaning away from home and you want to back pedal big time. You issued an ultimatum when you weren’t ready for the worst possible outcome to happen. Can’t say that I blame you. That’s why I never issued one though. I knew that if he decided to stay with her that I wouldn’t be able to follow through. I also knew my H well enough to know that ultimatums do not sit well with him and it would only serve to hurt my chances.

I got lucky. In my case OW issued one. She told him he needed to have filed for divorce by the time her divorce was final (a 3 month time frame) or she was moving on. FW moved back home before the time was up.

Will the OW hang herself? I think they all usually do eventually. Theirs (as are all affairs) is a relationship built upon lies and deceit. The seed of doubt has been placed within her and she will always wonder about him when he’s a little late, when he’s doing something with you and the kids, when he doesn’t answer his cell phone right away, etc etc. That is where our patience comes into play. Just how long will it take? That’s the million dollar question.

Should you continue to sleep with him? That is a question that only YOU can answer. I would say that most people here will tell you absolutely not. No way, no how, stick to your guns. I lean that way myself considering your situation with the ultimatum, but I can’t say without a doubt that you should cut it off. That is such an individual decision and a lot of it is based upon knowing your H better than anyone here does.

I knew FW. I knew his conscience, I knew his personality, I knew his needs. I knew that sex holds an incredible emotional connection for my H and that despite what both of us were saying to each other at the time that it wasn’t “just sex”. I knew his conscience would eat him alive too. I knew that he would not be able to carry on with both of us indefinitely. I knew the stress of having an “affair” with his wife, that the stress of “cheating” on his OW would take a toll and that sooner rather than later he would break one way or the other. I was banking that I held better cards than she did with the history, the kids, the sincere changes I’d made to myself, the marriage, etc and that he would eventually break towards me.

Did I know this for certain??? No, I struggled every single day with continuing to sleep with him, wondering if it was the right thing to do. Everyone else would have told me I was a nut if they knew what I was doing.

Continue to be friends with him?? I did that too, but I also knew I was meeting some of FW’s most important emotional needs (read a little marriage builders about this) and thought it was more important than going NC. I had to become a master at detachment because being friends, even with a nice MLCer, is tough to do and still detach. As Cinders said, none of this is for the faint-hearted.

I will tell you what I’ve said on here before. Many will disagree with me. You are in direct competition with the OW. While we should not focus on them as they are not the root of the problem, there is still a competition there. Even Jim Conway admits this as does his wife in their books. As much as I hate to call it this, you are playing a game and you need to play to win. I hate reducing it to a “game” because there is so much more to it than that. Now, you need to get a game plan. You need to lay some stuff out for yourself. Figure out your H. Figure out if he’s the type that can cake eat forever, or if the stress of bouncing between 2 women will eventually cause him to break one way or the other.

If he’s a cake eater type – cut him off. No if’s ands or buts. Some men can carry on between two women and never act like anything is amiss in their life. That that is just the way things are and no big deal.

If he’s the guilty conscience type – reevaluate your game plan. What has been working? What hasn’t worked? What have you not tried yet that you think might work? What are his needs that he has expressed to you or that you have figured out on your own? How can you meet those?

One thing you’ve got going for you today is that he told you that he wasn’t sure when you asked him if you guys were still over. In other words, he hasn’t really chosen. What kind of time line did you give him in your ultimatum? Did you give one? I made sure FW knew that I wouldn’t continue on as we were forever. That I just couldn’t do it. That if he went through with a divorce that sleeping together would stop and that I would start dating others. I also made sure he knew that we would no longer be friends like we are anymore. That we couldn’t keep that close emotional tie to one another. One thing I never did though was give a definite time line. I kept that option open. I didn’t want to hem myself in.

Some quick advice. When you leave him, don’t call him back and ask R questions. Sounds like it wasn’t too damaging last night, but no more pressure. Also, quit telling him your conditions over and over. You sound like his mother. He doesn’t need a mom, he needs a wife. He knows, he’s told you he knows. Let it sink in. Let him think about it. Get some patience and be still. No one deals well under pressure, esp not an MLCer.

Assume that he’s seeing OW, that he’s sleeping with OW, that he’s talking with OW, that he’s with OW. Stop talking with her even if she calls again. Curiousity killed the cat, FA. I can understand the draw there. Little known fact is that I am still very good friends with FW’s first OW. Long story. I’ll try to summarize here. She lasted about a month or so, FW confessed after the fist week. He said he was leaving me. She talked him out of leaving and told him that she would not be “that woman”. That he could leave, but that it wouldn’t be for her, they were over. Less than a month later FW took up with OW#2 (who just so happened to be OW#1’s best friend). Right before D-day with OW#2, OW#1 cornered me in a restaurant and apologized sincerely and through some weird twist she and I have become really really good friends. So, I can understand the lure there, There is a lot of information that could be gained(maybe), but just resign yourself to the fact that there are some things you will NEVER get the answer to (There are things that FW can’t tell me. Answers he can’t give because he doesn’t know them himself) and that talking to her will not give you an advantage.

Finally, if you do decide to keep being his friend and seeing him, detach detach detach. Never ever let him see you get down from being with him. You are to be upbeat and happy and act “as if”. If you can’t do that, then don’t see him anymore.

BFM