I'm afraid I'm seeming weird... don't mean to seem so.
Something occurred to me about crying. I realized at one point in my life as a child, that I didn't know how to laugh. I wouldn't cry, could smile occasionally.. but no laughing. I'd practice.. and it would come out as a cackle. It seemed very important to learn to laugh.
Crying was something I avoided, rarely did. After giving birth to my first child, that all changed. Crying became much easier.. almost like a dam had been broken.
But man oh man... was I great at sucking it all back in whenever I tried letting it out.
*hugs*
I understand sweetie. That must have been very difficult sucking back a lifetime of emotions, with a H who you were constantly trying to gain approval & acceptance, & in his eyes you were never quite good enough. That's all over now though. You can feel whatever you want, you can be whoever you want, & it's perfectly fine with those who love you. Hugs. I hope you laugh often & well now.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
