I opened up to H today & told him that I was emotional because last night as I lay next to him, it felt so good. I'm starting to feel safe, & comfortable. I'm starting to understand how people feel safer with their partner around. I didn't tell him, I've never felt this way ever with anyone. I started crying. He asked me how he could help. I got a post it note & wrote "I want us to move to the couch & you offer to hold me". He said "why can't you say it". How could I tell him, I'm still afraid of him rejecting me. So many times I asked him to hold me & he refused. He said he couldn't hold me when I was attacking him. I didn't know I was attacking, I thought I was communicating.
I started crying, & told him that these feelings scare me too. What if now that I feel this way about him, he goes away. What if something happens to him. He asked me why I thought that way. I just said "everybody leaves". Every single person I ever cared about, left, neglected or abandoned me. He tried to talk logically to me, pointing out that he hasn't left in 18 years why would he now. He doesn't realize these fears I have are irrational, & deep, & seared into my soul. Logic doesn't reach that depth of pain.
I wanted him to be so happy that I was feeling safe with him. Instead he seemed bummed. He just simply said, "well, that is what I've been working towards all this time". Then tonight, he seemed withdrawn. He talked to our D during a show we were watching. Didn't say much to me. Then at bedtime, he went up without kissing me first. He hasn't skipped kissing me in weeks & weeks.
I don't understand. Why does he pull back just when I need reassurance the most ?
I followed him up, I asked him "for the last several weeks, you've given me a nice warm kiss goodnight, but not tonight?", he said he thought I was coming right up, (even though I was flipping thru the DVR list). I asked "it seems like you talked a lot to D during the show, & not me?" He said I don't know, I thought everything was fine. He said, come to bed, & I'll hold you. I got in bed, but told him I was going to read for a few minutes, & see if I could figure out what was bothering me.
I didn't go to my normal pattern, which is bring up everything little thing, in order to get to the real thing. I just kept my thoughts to myself, & tried to get to the real thing.
The little things were the dishes, not going to the movie with us, the humidifier, the laundry, the comment about S17, the e-mail that I sent him that was so warm & tender, & he joked with me about deleting it because he didn't recognize who sent it.......
The real thing. He's so focused on building this consulting division, I'm wanting more of his attention. I could be in bed right now with him holding me. What am I so afraid of ? _________________________ M: 43 H: 45 4 kids
My Story Truce
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Cookie.... how was he supposed to know? Be up front..don't be afraid of your feelings about him. You had to hit with a 2x4 before, remember? You don't need to do it again, just tell him!
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Hang in there SC. You and your H have been doing great. Remember that sometimes he will be a DAM even though he has changed so much. You need to still ask him to meet your needs, he will not always do the right thing but if you tell him I am sure he will.
SC, Gypsy started a new thread since yours locked up last night. You may want to take a look at it.
Hugs SC! Thanks again for posting your story it is truly inspirational and much appreciated. If you get a chance can you read my last few posts about the self induced curve ball...I was snooping and yes I know I shouldn't have...and let me know your thougts? Part of me wants to throw in the towel but the other says continue doing what I am and act as if.
Tia, Chris
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
I'm afraid I'm seeming weird... don't mean to seem so.
Something occurred to me about crying. I realized at one point in my life as a child, that I didn't know how to laugh. I wouldn't cry, could smile occasionally.. but no laughing. I'd practice.. and it would come out as a cackle. It seemed very important to learn to laugh.
Crying was something I avoided, rarely did. After giving birth to my first child, that all changed. Crying became much easier.. almost like a dam had been broken.
But man oh man... was I great at sucking it all back in whenever I tried letting it out.
*hugs*
I understand sweetie. That must have been very difficult sucking back a lifetime of emotions, with a H who you were constantly trying to gain approval & acceptance, & in his eyes you were never quite good enough. That's all over now though. You can feel whatever you want, you can be whoever you want, & it's perfectly fine with those who love you. Hugs. I hope you laugh often & well now.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
another question.....why did you start to come to a website such as this if you wanted out of your M? I'm not trying to be mean.... i'm just interested....
I was looking for info on custody & googled divorce.
Was it destiny, fate, or angels...?? or FG ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Crying is healing buddy. Do you know that when babies cry in their crib, that if they cry long enough their brain will kick in to prevent psychological death, & release a chemical that causes them to fall to sleep ?
Did you know your brain releases different chemicals based on the emotion behind your tears ?
Thanks for keeping an eye on me.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
You know what you're afraid of... you told him. The note was just precious. A creative, proactive big step up from just crying silently and feeling hollow.
I think maybe he is afraid he'll fail to make up for all the others who abandoned, rejected, neglected, and hurt you in the past. I think he has to understand, somehow, that he isn't expected to. In telling him why you are afraid he'll do the same, he wonders if you'll ever trust him with your heart and gets discouraged that you may not ever believe he's on your side.
Crying is healing buddy. Do you know that when babies cry in their crib, that if they cry long enough their brain will kick in to prevent psychological death, & release a chemical that causes them to fall to sleep ?
Did you know your brain releases different chemicals based on the emotion behind your tears ?
Thanks for keeping an eye on me.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
