Wife Filed And I Need Help With Busting ASAP

[LosingSunshine]

Scott, check out the latest in my sitch and let me know your thoughts. Don't know if it would be better if it was an OM or not. Talk about a curve ball!!!

Chris

[Scott123]

Today is the absolute worst day yet.

Yesterday she asked for money again saying her sister gave her
money and I needed to pay her sis back. I said that I new nothing
about that. She then said out nephew lent her money for the park
so I could just pay him back. Told her I new nothing about that
either and that that's her agreement with him and she could pay
him back out of money I give her if she wants when I give it to
her.

They were at the park, and I went over the house to get some
things and try to fix my daughters computer. Well, when I get
on the computer I see a bunch of tabs open that my wife was
using. I saw that she was looking for a bunch of stuff to buy
this new guy, romantic gifts and sports stuff. I also saw
that she was looking for romantic weekend getaways in august
around an upcoming race.

I know that my mother in law was supposed to be taking the kids
to stay with a friend of hers out of state for a mini vacation
and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why my wife would not
be going. I guess this is why, she plans to go with this guy
away on a weekend.

I also saw a post of hers on a site she frequents. Someone was
asking for advice about their marriage. They said they found
out their husband was cheating etc.

My wife posted that advice that they should go to counseling and
try to work things out and if it didn't work to go their
separate ways. She said the she is going through a divorce now
and couldn't be happier.

That really hut considering she refused to go for counseling in
out marriage yet that's the advice she gives.

Fast forward today -

She texted me and told me to bring the rest of the child support
to the kids game today. I had not planned on giving it to her
until next week because I know its too early in the month and
she will just blow right through it.

I talked to the older couple that we are friends with (they
actually called me) and told me that she just talked to my
wife and the divorce decree arrived and she wants me to sign
it and get it notarized today.

The reality and hopelessness of the situation really just
hit me hard. I could not even function today. I could not even
go to the kids game. I'm like totally devastated.

The couple said she is firm and not budging on the divorce. She's
already making plans with this other guy for a romantic getaway
etc.

I have no idea what to do. If I stall and do not sign the
papers it will just make her furious and she'll just hate me.
She already told me that the other night.

Should I just sign them and face reality that we are getting
divorced no matter what I say or do?

This is one of the worst days of my life. I really need some
advice.

- Scott

[LosingSunshine]

Scott, I wish I new what to say but I am praying for you bro.

Chris

[Neilh23]

scott...do you have a lawyer? If not, get one. Do NOT sign it until an L looks at it. Don't make any decisions when you are feeling like this. You need to be comfortable with the terms. It's her problem if she's mad, not yours.

It took me 3 1/2 months to feel strong enough to sign our sep papers.

I'm thinking of you..... good luck

[sgctxok]

Hi Scott,

How can she have a decree already, you haven't been to court yet? (If I've forgotten something, I'm sorry)....

Stop talking to this other couple now. It won't help. If they tell you something, they are trying to help you, but their information isn't completely helpful...and it isn't set in stone.


Tell her you are not going to be able to get the money together until next week.....things are really tight for you now and you're having a hard time managing.

You'll take the papers but you'll need to look them over, and you don't have enough time tonight. You don't know how long it will take.

I'm really sorry this day is so tough.

Do you have a great friend you can go see a movie with or let off steam (I don't really know what guys do). But do your (good) thing.


Do a lot of it. She is not first right now.

And it isn't as bad as it seems.


AND it WILL get better.




Scott, I am not 'about' divorce and not 'about' advising anyone about it. Yet I am divorced and have 'been there' and I can't imagine that at this point in time there would be any paperwork in place that would be reasonable to your situation. I could well be wrong.

[sgctxok]

I just want to say you seem to be a really good man and good person and good father.

That says sooooo much. You are worth taking really great care of yourself.

And your kids need you.

[SDFoundGirl]

Please do not sign anything without having a lawyer look at the papers and your whole situation. You can continue to DB while still treating the divorce like a business transaction...which it is.

There is fair, and then there is guilt/fear/worry. Will she get mad if you don't just sign? Probably. It's not in her "plan" and you will now be standing in the way of what will "make her happy."

There is no room for emotion in legal matters. It's business, legally binding, and will affect you for the rest of your life. Also, if she is being abusive to your kids emotionally, then you need to consider what sort of custody arrangements you are comfortable with.

I am sorry your W is in a spin here. It occurred to me that she may be acting this way BECAUSE it's safe to do so. You said you've changed a lot lately and gotten your health issues taken care of, right? In the past, *she* had to make a stand for your M, and it wasn't safe to be the flake. My H was sort of the same way...I was the flake with panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, and some anger issues. H always had to be the strong one. He finally reached a point where he couldn't do it any longer and became a really different man from the one I knew. The one I knew would *never* have considered having an affair. He comes from a broken home and knows that pain...and yet, there he was pursuing another woman.

I say don't rush anything. Take your time, cover yourself legally and financially, don't push your lawyer for quick appointments...essentially, stall. Because if your W is in the midst of depression and gambling addiction, it's going to take a little time away from you to crash and burn and realize that it's not making her any happier.

Yes, there's this other guy, but seriously...how long is any man going to want to be around someone who is looking at him to save her and make her happy? Do you remember what that felt like back when you were in the dating world? It's icky.

You sound calmer to me. Stop all the R talk with your W. Get some sort of legal financial agreement into place, and then just don't hurry your part of the D process. Honestly, the R talk just helps her dig her heels in further. She can't hear logic right now. She is in full on reactive mode, and you are the cause of all her misery in her opinion. If she starts up, a polite, "I'm sorry, but we have been over this. I know you are unhappy, and I'm sorry for that, but I am not willing to discuss this with you any longer."

Go dark except for your kids. They really need you right now.

SD

[Scott123]

Thanks guys, she actually called me a little while ago and it
what she said was that the she got another set of papers and
it was stating that since we used the same lawyers when I filled
a long time ago, and did not complete the process (it was still
idle) that they cannot represent her without me writing up a
letter of authorization and having it notarized.

She was really pissed off and screamed that its going to cost
her even more money now.

This really blows, because i was doing really good, my health
was very positive and I was strong, but lately I have been
really breaking down (not in front of her or the girls) and
it's been really rough emotionally.

I keep thinking, I can't seem to get her out of my head no
matter how hard I try. So many things remind me of her. I
fear that if I go months DBng and she just keeps going
away especially to this other guy it's going to kill me.
I mean the stress will be unbearable. And my gut keeps
telling me that going dark is a real bad mistake because
the more distant I become the easier it will be for her to
go to this other guy too and I saw that proof yesterday
when I saw all the stuff she was doing and plans she was
making. This was one of the reasons she kept tossing in
my face, she felt lonely and alone too much.

I'm beyond confused.

I know for a fact if I mention that I cannot write up that
letter she is going to flip. I mean she would have to go
to another lawyer. I mean how do I handle that, won't doing
that just be the biggest backslide I could possibly make?

I do still have jealousy/mystery on my side that I did not
put into play yet, but even that I'm not sure of. I am only
basing that on how she acted in the past and because i know
that she can be REALLY jealous. There's a couple of ways that
I can make it seem like I have someone else interested in me,
but it will have to wait until I get a handle on my emotions.

In the past when she thought I was interested in someone else
she got really jealous and attacked me like crazy, but also
pursued me and then we got back together. And this was when she
was talking to OM too. BUT and this is a big BUT, this time she
is really determined for divorce and really acting like a totally
different person. I mean she never sad she didn't want to be
friends with me. We were best friends!

What really bothers me about this OM that she is seeing is
that she is going to a race with him and we used to do that
stuff together. We stopped a few years ago. I mean I know this
OM will not criticize her, he'll feed her whatever she wants to
hear, sympathize with anything she says and romance her,
which is exactly what she wants. I mean she is pursuing him,
buying him stuff, going out of her way to set-up romantic
weekends etc. All secretly from everyone too.

If I just vanish (go dark) she basically has nothing in her
way to pursue her fantasy here. I'll just become an annoying
memory. This is why I wanted to work on the house and try and
add some jealousy/mystery into the mix. At least then she
sees me around a lot, plus I can hang with the kids.

I know I'm a good guy. Yes, I've had my problems and I still
do have some, but I'm dealing with them positively. I just
don't understand how she can be so cruel.

I'm protected financially and I would have a lawyer review
anything that I needed to sign before signing. BTW - The
divorce is a no fault divorce. It's a standard package main
in package. You don't even see the lawyers. In the past (a long
time ago) things between us were really bad and we both wanted
out (at least we both thought we did at the time) and I
researched and found the no fault option online. I showed
her it and she agreed so I filled it. The way it's setup is
that you fill out the initial paper, send in a fee and then
you can take as long as you want to go through the whole process
which involves a couple of more forms and fees. We got about half
way through it and then we got back together. This last time
she was pressuring for divorce and I wanted no part of it so
I told her she's on her own to do it. She sent away for the same
package, but she paid for it in full in one shut (under PMS too!)
and after filling out the last question sheet they sent her
the current statement where they cannot represent her
because of the old filing that we had open still.

So that kind of blocked her and she is really mad now.

Can you understand how going dark in this particular situation
will probably do more damage?

Then again I also understand how she will not be happy
away from me and needs to crash herself into all the
misery she created. But yet on top of that the other
guy will make her happy when she is with him. Ugh!

I'm just so devastated and confused right now and in
a fog. Just really upset.

If this thread locks - I'll start another one as part 2.

- Scott

[sgctxok]

Scott, I can really appreciate your anxiety right now.

You have many more options than what seems to be before you, and honestly you have more than what my brain can come up with. Perhaps the bottom line is whether you write this note or not, but there are many options as to how you do it or not do it.

She definitely is playing boss, telling you to jump and expecting you to say how high. And it appears she is very badly behaved when she does it.

I personally would like to see you tell her you are going to have to look over what she brought to you. When she goes off, tell her you'll talk to her later when she's calm, etc. She can wait for her money.

That said........she will react. She will likely step up her game. To me, this is like a child throwing a tantrum. They keep it up when they get results. If you eventually give in while they are throwing the tantrum.....they get trained for endurance on the tantrum.

I know you are fearful about going dark. It centers you, it calms you it makes you more mysterious. You probably are dark enough, but you need to not be available to her every whims...not that you are....


REAL GIVING is important. It's important to respond to your partners' needs. But this is different.


There is no one right answer, Scott. Don't second guess yourself or your advice.

If you choose to sign, you will remove her resistance...it could be a good way to go. You will still be connected through your kids....I'd bet on you two remarrying.

If you choose NOT to sign, you can buy time, stall and train her.


What are you up for?

(And of course, there are more options than these...you just have to think of them or have someone else think of them.)

[Scott123]

I would rather stall and train her over the seemingly obvious
(at least to me) risk of letting her go right into this
other relationship.

I mean right now it;s a hidden relationship. She hides it from
everyone. Getting divorced finalized and moving on is basically
giving up in my eyes and she'll just get closer to this guy.

Damn, I just wish this OM was not in the picture. It makes it
so easy for her because she is getting what she wants. Like
I said, she is getting romanced, attention, no drama and gets
to have fun without any consequences.

I am pretty dark to her. I don't text her or call her and I
severely delay any response to her texts or calls unless it
is about the kids. The only time I really talked to her in
length recently was the other night that she started hoping
all over the place and attacking me.

She is being so stubborn and spiteful and just rude and crude
too. It's hard to not avoid an argument with her, because
she just does not want any part of a normal conversation it
seems. She has her mind so set on divorce. I mean she was
stressing this "I finally have enough courage to stand up for
myself and be happy, I can never be happy with you there has been
too much that has happened in the past"

She is stuck on the past and brings it up continually every
chance she gets. Although, like I said... recently, I have been
pretty dark on her. She did say that she loves me and always will
but it's not the same. I guess that is a common response from
what I've been reading.

Most of her friends are divorced or had bad relationships so
I can imagine that is playing into her too. She claims no one
is pushing her to divorce, she is doing it herself and it's
her time to be happy. She claimed she made a list of different
times and things in her life where I was not there for her. She
said something like 70% of the time I was not there for her,
which of course is just totally overblown. I don't know what
was on the list, but I'm sure it was pretty much all negative.

A lot of it too was miscommunication and not being able to read
her. For example: I have a really bad problem with death, its
from a childhood trauma that I don't want to get into, but I
have a really hard time going to a funeral. I'll have a panic
attack. She knows about the problem, has told me she understands
and even told me it was ok to stay home because she knows how
it affects me. But now she tells me she holds that against me??
WTF??? She said she cant deal with death either yet she went
and she said I should have been there for her. Geeze, if she
would have said "Babe, I really need you to come with me" I would
have somehow overcome it and gone, but when she tells me
specifically that it's ok not to... well. There's other
situation similar to that where shes said one thing and meant
the other. I'm not a mind reader, but i really wish I was because
if I would have known how she really felt I would have did things
differently. These are the kinds of things she hangs onto and
holds over my head. Lot's of resentment and anger.

I am definitely making sure I'm not being a doormat especially
with money. I mean even the other day I did not give her the
money that I went over there to give her in the first place.
This just gets her mad though. It's like I'm damned if I do and
damned if I don't.

I found out that she is only going to be working TWO DAYS at
the restaurant! So that is going to do jack for her in terms
of financing. She is going to have a really hard time if that's
all she is working. She will have about 1500 dollars soon from
a rebate, but that won't last either.

Hmmm, she was actually annoyed that I did not start on the kids
rooms yet. The other night I told her I would still take care
of things that need to be fixed in the house that are left
undone and get the kids rooms fixed. She said: "You didnt even
do anything yet and you told the girls you were going to this
week." I said: "I told them last week I would be starting
in a week or two"

So by that comment I guess she has no problem with me working
on the house. Which is my foot in the door so to speak. However,
my emotional state is really bad right now, I cannot be around her
or I know I'll breakdown and backslide.

As always... I'm open to suggestions.

- Scott