Rob, Good for you! It really doesn't matter if it was the right move or not, it was honestly how you felt. If she takes it wrong or fires a nasty text back it does not change the fact you love her. I f she can't accept that , then really what is the point of all her emotional stuff she says to you?
I am so glad I made my little visit here for some catch up. Things thaw pretty quickly in the desert, don't they? Keep the blow torch a burnin'.
It seems this w/e was an interesting one for a lot of us.
Your mentioning of her saying "through all of this I haven't heard you say I love you", really causes me to re-evaluate my approach to things. As my darling (which is my newly adopted reference to W) was exiting the truck last evening, I was at that oh so common awkward spot. The -should I just say I love you point. I opted not you, as has become the habit, and just said "bye and have a good night". That was of course only an hour or so after we were driving around in my truck for quite a while. During our drive our converstions were varied and assorted but always seemed to gravitate back to being heavily sexually themed. It eventually led to our "getting down to business" as I was quite sure that it would. Just prior to the clothes flying off I did reaffirm how much I love her. And I told her that it was a love that she was more than likely unable to comprehend.
That was a little preview of what I will be posting on my own in a bit.
Stay well and keep up the good fight. Peace be with you.
Okay, I'll say it.....there are some positives, but I'm skeptical. In my opinion, her comment is solely about herself, not you. She wants to feel like this is a crushing blow to you.If you went around saying ILY all the time she'd reject you. I'm sure her self-esteem is in the gutter and now she thinks, "he hasn't even said he loves me. Maybe I wasn't that important to him." She needs that validation for herself.
Lest you forget...this is the woman that is making the divorce process as ugly as possible (spitefully), making it difficult to see your daughter, acting like your daughter is her possession and maybe she'll let you see her at HER convenience, and accused you unjustly of rape and potential violence towards her. You are the guy that tried to change all his negatives to positives and be the best husband and father he could be. So why is it that you still feel like you should be chasing her? If she's started to chase, let her continue.
That being said, I don't think it's wrong to say something along the lines of, "Yes, I do still love you, but this whole process has me questioning whether you'd ever be right for me. I've worked hard to change the person I was and I feel I deserve to have 'happily ever after' with someone that can see the positives in me."
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I do agree on the positives of the situation and I also agree that now she needs to chase me. I'm talking w/ my DB coach tomorrow morning and we'll work on my game plan from here.
As for telling her I still love her, I'm ok w/ that just like I told bizarre. I'm not putting it out there again, however. She may have needed it as an ego stroke and now she has the information and it is up to her to decide what she'll do w/ it next.
I'm pushing forward w/ things, especially w/ the sale of the house. I need to finalize it and get myself out of debt. The house sale and the settlement of the financials will be big, but the number one hurdle to clear is custody.
I do think she's starting to realize that she may lose primary custody of our D and she may even be recognizing that I'm a good father and not the a-hole she wants to make me out to be. I'm not sure, but there are positives here for sure.
The key now is for me to ride it out and see what happens next. I'm also going to be leaning on the advice of my DB coach as they have a better handle on how this works than I do.
In closing, I will say I'm very surprised that this happened so early as I surely thought it may be years down the road before she ever began to crawl my way. The empahty w/ my situation w/ our dogs and then allowing me to have another day w/ D was huge for W. The talk about love was an additional step toward the middle. That said, while I'm on the 50-yard line, she's just got a toe out of the end zone, so she's still got a lot of work to do before she can even see mid-field.
Ok, I'll quickly try and update you all and then race back to be w/ D...
I forgot to mention one of her most interesting texts from Sunday.
W: "...if one more person tells me I'm pretty adn will meet someone - I might faint dead away. I don't want that. I wanted to be married to you." RTL: "...I've been told I won't have any trouble either, but I don't want that either. I only wanted to be married to you. I don't want to marry anyone else..."
I think that shows she still has real feelings for me. It seems to be as bizarre has said all along, she appears more intent on punishing me than on divorcing me.
Anyway, more texts came in yesterday after I told her that I did love her. She started them w/a jokey, playful text that I responeded to, but then she got down to it.
W: "...Reality is that I will NEVER date again. NEVER. D is worth it. Men use and abuse."
I replied I was just joking w/ my previous response and then made another joke back to her in return.
W: "... no more men!" RTL: "I've learned that men are different than women and it takes effort for men to relate to women. And women are worth the effort, but most men won't admit that women are just better in a lot of ways - especially emotionally - and thus most men won't make the effort. I no longer want to be one of those men."
W: "I am no longer in the game." RTL: "D is worth being single for me too." W: "REALLY? I give you a year." RTL: "I fell in love and married the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life w/. Now she's left and I don't want to go through this heart break again."
No reply from W to this and she even didn't answer any of D's three attempts to call her last night to say goodnight.
So, what do I get out of this? Simply that OM has finally proven to be the Snake I've always warned her he was and she's very, very bitter. Does anyone else take this to mean that OM is out of the picture as he's burned her? I hope I'm not running blind here.
Also, I think it has caused her to stop and look back at what she did to me and our marriage. Sure she's still blaming me, but it seems as if she's now remembering all the promises OM made to her and how he worked so hard to help paint me as the villian to his Prince Charming. I can only hope that as more time passes, she'll see that his lies didn't come true and maybe, just maybe, begin to look at her side of things.
So, that is the skinny for today. I'll see her later as I drop off D around 3:30 and we'll see what her mood is today toward me. Also, I'm hoping to be able to sit down uninterrupted and catch up w/ everyone tonight so I can be back in the loop.
Good catch. I need to say much, much less to her in my responses.
She has a ton of movement to make, so now I need to do as you said - let her chase me.
Good stuff as usual. In fact, when I read your last post, I said "I love this guy." I hope you'll keep posting to me because you really help keep my head straight and in perspective.
Well, shes giving you the chances, who can blame you for responding? Its your sitch and you know it best. As long as you have really changed and you are not just saying what she wants to hear in order to get her back. It has to be genuine and not just manouevering, but you seem to have done a tonne of work in C so I guess she is picking up on that.
I think its safe to say the snake IS out of the picture.
I also think its a shame that these convos are happening by text message, is there any way you could suggest a meeting, not to discuss the R, but to reestablish a friendship (which you dont have at the moment), you cant skip that step I guess! Could you meet as a family, go for lunch? Instead of all this dropping off D? Or meet her for coffee without your D?
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
No problem. I write from a different perspective than most because I'm not in the same place as many on here...coming from a position of letting desire to win my spouse back cloud everything else.
I've been in the standpoint of divorced and still happily divorced and divorced and happily reconciled, so write from both perspectives.
My first wife did this 'I own the kids' type stuff (still does) and the bitter, unforgiving stuff, and I look at her now, 10 years post-D, and can't even imagine how I could have a happy life with her.
On the other hand, I also have the experience of reconciling with my second wife. Before reconciling, I told myself I would not have her back if I was her second choice or a fallback plan, but because she wanted to be with ME, for ME. I felt I got that. If I had to talk her into trying again based on promises to be better or she came hesitantly with held-over grudges and two strikes against me, I think it would have been a miserable start. I would have been walking on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop. You can't base a relationship solely on what you plan to bring to it and she gets to come back scot free because she's somehow blameless and perfect. It's okay to keep the line of communication open, but be sure you keep your own needs in mind. You deserve a true shot for a wonderful relationship...I'm hoping she'll work around to being able to give it to you...but be patient. Don't tip your hand.
As for the text conversations...sometimes it is the medium that works. I feel my wife and I resolve fights easier with text or e-mail than in person. I know it's weak, but you do what works. Face to face is maybe ideal, but whatever works for you.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I won't just let my W come back in and take me b/c I was her 2nd choice. No, she'll have to do a lot of work on her end in order for even an attempt at reconciliation is ever to be a possibility.
We've been doing a good job of getting closer and in conversation w/ my DB coach this morning, we figured out that she has been flirting w/ me and I need to soften my communications w/ her and try and run w/ it a bit. So, I sent off a flirtatious text when I finished my DB session, but the problem was I received an e-mail from her while I was texting where she called for "emotional space" and wanted to keep all conversations focused on "business."
So, I'm trying to reach my DB coach again to see how to proceed from here b/c I have to respect her wishes, but I need to know the "right way" to do it so I don't end up unravelling everything and moving backward.
Now, I'm going to lay low for a bit and see what happens. I'll keep it business-like and see what else I should do.
Kind of confused as to where to go after W's pull-back, but I'll figure it out soon and let you all know.
