Well the weekend was excellent but had moments and times of sorrow for me. I'd be hit with this real sense of loss, she wasn't there. All the fun things we'd do as a family weren't quite so complete sometimes. It didn't help that I didn't have much adult company either. I wasn't able to chat with friends even my phone because most everyone was off on their own as well.
The girls had really wanted my wife to join us. They even said so Thursday when we all had lunch together. But my wife evidently accepted an invitation to go to the Outer Banks with what I now know is her male friend. She admitted this to me Sunday night when I dropped the girls off and we got to chatting about our weekends. Honestly I was devastated. Now to add to it, while at the house she invited me to say for dinner.
So yes I did initiate relationship talk. But what I did was try to convey to her all I was asking for that before we make that ultimate decision that we make sure we've done everything possible. I was also asking that she give us the opportunity by giving me an opportunity. In the discussion she acknowledge how I had become an ever better father, I had a positive outlook but she couldn't give any more. To which I said that I have found I can dig very, very deep and what I'd like to do is use that ability to give back to her so she can get back to a point she can give.
We also talked about future relationships and she told me she's isn't sure she can ever love again because of what's happened between us. She said "I lost my best friend and husband." I replied no she didn't loose her best friend, he was lost for a while and now is standing right in front of her, standing trying to do the best he can to support her and help her. At this point we embraced for several minutes. It was a joint embrace and she buried her face into my shoulder and cried.
Our conversation continued and much of it about her hurt how that is the reason for her inability to even consider trying. She is so, so, so scared, so filled with fear. Worse of all it became clear her self esteem has really taken a beating. At this point I told her exactly what I felt, she is stunning in every sense of the word. She's an awesome mother, an awesome friend, super boss and no matter what has happened over the last 10 years she's been a wonderful wife. She thanked me and said it meant a lot to her to hear all of that, especially from me, she hasn't heard that much at all in a long time from anyone. (Boy oh boy I guess I really was f-ing up more than I ever realized. But then again she never did see the things I was doing to say these things or she doesn't remember.)
I brought up the question that has been burning in me for months, so if she can't try and she feels that divorce is where this is heading then why hasn't she filed? Her answer, I guess it's because there are things I agreed to do that I haven't done yet, like getting you off the mortgage. (I don't buy this answer at all but I didn't say that.) So I asked her, are you waiting for me to file? No she said. Do you want me to file, "no I don't expect you to file" was her reply. She kept also saying she wanted me to move on though.
After I left I saw she was online, online until 2 AM. Yes I was online too.
Folks we've hit rock bottom, I mean the dirt under the rock on the bottom. After I got home Sunday night all I could think of was it's time to let go of everything, of the stand, of her, of my belief that divorce is wrong and with love give her the one sign she can see, file myself. Give her that, not out of anger, bitterness, or such but out of love. Let her go completely, let her see that, see me letting go with love, with no expectations of us other than to heal our hearts.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
