Tipper, I recommend the b@tch book "Why Men love B@tches."
I found it to be quite insightful....
You *SO* need that book. I highly recomend it!
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
I dont know if i should be putting up with a H who is at the bar 5-6 nights a week and always putting down my family and friends & constantly making very shallow new aquaintences.
BUT I LOVE HIM STILL. I am dying to call him but I dont think I will. I feel like he needs to come to me - I made the effort the last two nights and he has been distant. TIPPER
Tipper.. you know, you sound unhappier now than when you and your H were not in a relationship.
It seems like he winds you up to get a reactiion. My own H did the same. (Still does from time to time ...)
I found this book very useful; see what you think.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Tipper, I think your H would give you more respect if you are kind but firm with him.
You're still clinging to the M. What if you stopped doing that (outwardly)?
I say this and I have let go and do not feel that I am getting good results, BUT I have begun to develop into myself and I can say I have genuinely begun to GAL now.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Sorry I have been away for for a few days, but it was becuase I have been so busy. Kicking off my Summer Vacation - YEAH!!!
Things have been going pretty darn well lately. I think one major difference I have been seeing is that my H is paying way more attention to me instead of the bars lately.
This could be due to his best buddy getting a job that travels and so he has been gone and left the band for a while. My H has been way more loving and attentive to me. He has even started to come over way more often.
He has stayed the night with me for the last two weeks on and off here and there. But mostly here. He has been much more loving and we have actually had a few great laughs and wonderful times together doing new and different things.
We spent our Fouth of july at a beach alone together instead of trying to hang with any of our different groups of friends and then he actually went to my Brothers party & watched the fire works and we had a good time. I never pushed him to go, he said he wanted to. I was amazed. I have also taught him how to play tennis & that is new for us to go do together.
The more I go out & continue to do my GAL activities, the more I see him calling me and wanting to come over when I am home. We still have many issues that are mostly due to him not wanting anything to do with our past friends and my Family. But slowly, I see him doing a few things here and there with those groups. So eventually I hope that it wont be so awkward on him.
Today, I am taking my art buddy up to my parents camp and we are going to paint the camp sign "CAMP GOOD-NUFF". Tommorow I start teaching in a summer camp at the H.S. I teach at. And the next day I am going to a pool with my girl friends, and the weekend I am going camping at my favorite place in the world.
My H will not go camping with me this weekend since I will be meeting up with my very best guy friend I have know since I was born and we have gone camping at this place together with our families every year of my life. Last year was the first year I missed out on the trip due to the panic and histeria I was facing when my H first left me.
I regretted not going, so this year I told my H I wont miss it. I invited my H, but he hates this friend of mine now since the whole mess started last year- cuz this friend of mine really stuck up for me and threatened my H due to some of the crazy things he was saying and doing. Now these friends are only my Friends. So I will go alone & I am sure I will be very worried and insecure about what my H will be doing while I am gone - but I cant put my life on hold due to not trusting him completely yet.
Oh, and The last 12 years my h and I went camping at this place, we have carved our names and dates into one of the wash room exterior walls made of wood. Last year, we didnt go and nothing was carved. This year I dont think I should carve anything either since my H wont be with me even though we are still together as a couple. My guy-friend and his wife were joking with me that I should carve the initials "MLC" into the next spot where the year should be put (HA HA). Very funny - but I wont becuase it would ruin one of the most romantic parts of my life.
I hope that one day we will be able to carry on our tradition as a couple and continue to put every year into that wall as I origonally thought it would be that way. This means a lot to me since my parents met at this camp grounds and carved their names into the same wall many many years ago.
My H and I have been peicing for a little over two months now. We still live apart, but my H has been staying the night at my place almost every night now. We have not talked about moving back in together much at all. When the topic does come up, he seems to always crush my hopes.
He has said he doesnt like my town house and that the place is not big enough for us both. He talks about his next goal of buying a camp on a lake about an hour away. This doesnt seem like a good goal when he is in an apartment he cant stand and I am in a town house that is too small according to him. I feel like he and i should be talking about where to LIVE next. But I dont bring it up, due to fears of pushing him away.
Even though things have been going really good with our R lately, I dont feel like he is giving me a whole lot of hope or inspiration for our future.
Does anyone have any advise on when or how to make a move back in with the MLCer. Or should this not even be in my thoughts for a long while. TIPPER
Tipper, having just not done what I'm going to tell you to do, I'm really not the best source of advice, but I would suggest that you don't move forward with living together until HE is begging YOU.
If you can talk to him about his hopes for the camp and let him share the details of what he'd like to have happen there, that may be enough. A theory I have about what we are here calling MLC - part of it is the testing and experimenting that many people do in their teen years, but that MLCers have for some reason missed out on, or feel they missed out on. Not all of that is done in reality, a lot of it is thinking and dreaming about different versions of the future. If you can listen to your H talk about his plans and ask questions as if it's really going to happen from a place of calm curiosity, he may be able to process it and let it go.
Now if I could only take my own advice. Sorting out my thoughts enough to post them always helps - at least now I know what my thoughts are! I'm going to have to work on this in the next while, something tells me.
Even though things have been going really good with our R lately, I dont feel like he is giving me a whole lot of hope or inspiration for our future.
Does anyone have any advise on when or how to make a move back in with the MLCer. Or should this not even be in my thoughts for a long while.
Hi Tipper, I'm glad to read that things have been going well for you. Can you take that as hope and inspiration for your future? Actions speak louder than words, right?
I wouldn't mention moving back in together right now, since he still seems to be at a stage where he could easily get spooked, back off and run back into his hole. Keep doing what you've been doing since it appears to be working.
IMT, Thanks for that advice, one of my closest friends said the same thing to me before about "H should be chasing me and begging for me back". I will not worry about us moving back in together anymore until I see more progress and until he seems to want it badly.
In the mean while, How do I get him to eventually want to beg me to move back in. I DONT KNOW???
I guess I have to keep up with what I have been doing (no nagging or questioning H, continue to GAL, & paving a safe path for him back home) and see if time will give me more prorgress.
This weekend I went away on the camping trip w/out H that i refered to in previous posts. I had a good time, but i missed him so very much and it just didnt feel the same as the last 12 years I have been there with him. He text me once the first night I was camping there and said he loves me very much.
On my way back home, I kept thinking how great it would be to see him at my place when I returned home. He agreed to take care of our pets while I was away so I also told him he can make himself at home. Much to my delighted surprise, he was there on the couch when I got back from the adirondaks. He was happy to see me & happy that I had a good time.
I was happy to see him be there, it feels more like I have a H when he is around the house and not out at the bars. H did go to the bars all weekend while I was gone though.
I have thought to myself many times that I must think of our M as just a dating relationship so that I dont get worn down with all the parts of having our M together that i miss so much. I need to be patient with my H as I have seen many good small baby steps in the right direction over the past month.
I have a goal (it used to be our Married goal together) to some day buy a house along the riverside in our town. We both talked many times about how happy that would make us. Now that my H has gone bankrupt and through a MLC he no longer is interested in that old mutual goal of ours. So I guess that is what I will work on and maybe someday I will be able to do it, and my H will maybe be begging to be part of the action someday. I know he still would love to do it, but he no longer has the means so he mocks it and puts the idea down now and has moved on to another idea of getting a camp an hour away. A camp would be great, but what about our near future and where are we going to LIVE, is what I think should be more important of a goal. I guess I just have to work for it on my own. TIPPER
I agree with you, I guess I just needed to hear it. Thank You.
I think my H is at a stage right now that many things I would like to say or do, would unfortunately send him running away again.
I guess that sometimes when I do things alone and not nag/question H about our future, it is for the best. He is just not ready to think about those things yet. We need to just date a while longer and I need to be patient and greatful for this time togehter.
I wish I could turn off my emotions though. It is hard to control them. I still cry a lot when my H isnt around thinking of what has happened to our R. I also have a lot of fears that he will do something of the sort again in our future.
I am playing a little hard to get, and it seems to be working. I will keep at it. This is mostly becuase I am doing things we used to do together all alone now (holidays, parties, hanging with our old friends, camping trips), yep- he doesnt want anything to do wiht our old life. But he doesnt mind me popping in on his new life with his band and friends, so again I will keep at it even though it is awkward.
I just need patience, and I love to be reassured by all of you guys here on the boards that I am doing what seems to be working in my case. I have a hard time telling if it is or isnt sometimes.
Well, gotta go - H is coming over for dinner tonight & some movies. I am so happy to be spending time with him. TIPPER
