toruble on the the lake erie shore...#4!

[Neilh23]

old post:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1508739#Post1508739

this is what i said last...

got it. found it. googled it. duh

i THINK...she's primarily Recieving Gifts, with a little bit of words of affirmation thrown in and physical touch (the hand holding bit)

so...ideas? I have to think and be creative here....

one more thing to add to my convo with W tonite....she said i shouldn't feel guilty if i did go on a date....

[jandn]

Something about the LLs. Usually whatever the other person does for the other is thier LL. Although you might think your W's LL is what you think, is that what she is trying to do for you and vice/versa?

If its gifts, then the more you pay isnt always better. It just has to be something like "i saw this and it reminded me of you" (a magazine, something with her favorite person or character, a picture, etc). Gotta make her number 1.

Words of affirmination--compliment, compliment, compliment, but dont go overboard. She does her hair different, tell her you really like it or how whatever it is, be creative. You like her dress or new shoes or whatever, tell her with a smile.

Physical touch--I dont know where you stand with your W at this time. But this has to do with like holding hands, massages, back rubs, etc, NOT NECESSARILY SEX like us men would want it to be, but if it goes there, cool!

Good job on the date! There are books out there for dating your wife or 10000 great date ideas if you are weak in dating like most of M folks have been in our Ms.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Niel--

Check out 1001 ways to be Romantic. It has some amazing ideas--little thigns that will make a difference. There are some that I am hoping to be able to implement while my husband is on his big deployment this fall. We will see. It will depend on how thigns are progressing between now and then.

SMW

[Neilh23]

the thing is my biggest fear is that i'll over do it and that it won't make a difference and she'll go further away. We hardly talk now.......well, more in recent weeks, but still.

i'm still waiting on some input from last nite's convo with my W.....was she prying?

the reason i think she's primarily gifts is that at the start of this i asked her "how do you want me to love you?" and she said surprise me, hold my hand in public, little cards, etc... and that she needs to want me to show her these things. that's why i fear doing them.

But then again, why do i need her approval to do something? again, this is one of my issues........just thought of that... interesting.

[Arthur]

Neil - My W has been encouraging me to meet someone else and always said she wouldn't and wasn't looking to. Well, what happens ? I stick to my beliefs and my marriage vows and she goes off cheating at the earliest opportunity.

Not saying that is what you W will do, but that is my experience. What I will say is, as others are now saying on my thread, they told me she would have a PA if she wasn't already way back and I just didn't think she would do that to me. So, I've no idea what it means, but that is my experience.

Apologies if that comes accross real negative, I probably shouldn't post to others right now

[TwinDad]

Neil,

I just caught up with your post about the other night. I thought it was a pretty good exchange thought I probably wouldn't have said "I'm not ready to date you, and you probably aren't as well". Sounds very negative. Going the other way would have been presumptious. I think you got the desired effect when you left it silent and you got a smile....that is a good sign.

I can't say much abouty her intentions with regards to seeing others. She might have thrown the mystery out there to see how you are going to react. She might have been "testing" you to see how you would react. The rest of the conversation seems like probing on her part to see if you were dating. She might be waiting to see if you start dating to start herself.

Did your W mention that things were breaking around the house....did you fix any of them?

Also, I think it is great that your W is noticing the changes....I told you she would be watching you. Good job on making that change

[Neilh23]

i offered, she didn't want me to. It's complicated. She needs to be self-sufficient right now i think, so i just let her do it. as i'm starting to figure out, her LL is not acts of service (i think that's part of mine) so i didn't make a big deal about it. I think it's recieving gifts. Her face lit up on mother's day when i bought her a pendant so....

right it did sound negative. AT the same time, i'm not. still too much pain and frustration sometimes that seeps in. Gotta build that friendship first. that's my goal here at first.

slow steps.

arthur, it's ok. I think at the start she had at least an EA if not a PA......don't know for sure. Don't want to know right now.

[TwinDad]

Neil,

In my sitch I was convinced my W had an EA for quite a while before we sep. I found as I paid it no attention while we were sep that it is gone away...and since things are almost back to normal for us, it is completely gone. I think in a lot of respects I was keeping it alive but paying it attention....in some respects validating its existence. BY not caring about it, it went away. I am not saying it is the same in your sitch, but in either case making an issue about it or even being concerned about it is not going to help your sitch.

It is amazing how this works. A wierd side story: My D had a low grade fever (99-101) every single day, through the day for over a year. I took her to see numerous specialists and they all through their hands up in the air. One day after not getting any resolution, we just stopped checking her temperature...a few weeks later I checked it and she was normal and has been normal ever since. Weird....ehh

[LosingSunshine]

Neil,

I just finished reading the 5LL and tend to agree with FG about women having two with one being more dominant. My WAW is words of affirmation and acts of service. Luckily for me, I can try to work in the WOA into our conversations and my 180s/stopping same as usual behaviour fits in nicely with acts of service. Of course, I am trying to do this without coming off as pursuing etc... which is kind of difficult.

With regard to what your W said about holding hands, gifts etc...would it hurt to dip your toes into the water when the timing is right?

Chris

[LosingSunshine]

Neil, disregard my question about the independent folks in our WAWS lives. I got a new problem that has dramatcally changed my outlook on the sitch. My WAW thinks she's a lesbian, or so that is what my snooping has led me to believe. Can you read my last post and let me know your thoughts?

Thanks! Chris