Mulesqb - Can the sun shine on a donkey's a$$?

[mulesqb]

Survive Your Wife's Midlife Crisis - Christine Carter Schaap

[faithisbelieving]

I actually left work early on the 3rd and didn't go on the computer the entire weekend.

WTG...you need to get away from this stuff and simply STOP from time to time.

I think I mentioned that I was reading a book I downloaded online entitled - Survive Your Wife's Midlife Crisis. It talks about a lot of the same things that you guys mention - particularly that she can't be fixed, so don't even try and things of that nature.

I've read similar books and I think they tend to simplify this thing they call MLC for US. One of the books even went so for to 'honestly' say that they will be looking at younger men and that we should do everything possible to look young and attractive. It behooves you to understand that no matter WHAT YOU DO...this is her ride and you cannot control it. The classic line is true...there isn't much you can do to reel them in but there is a LOT you can do to drive them away.

She said that her family made her feel like she wasn't pretty growing up and for some reason when she gets attention now from other men she likes it. I asked her if she felt that I never gave her that type of attention (I told her I loved her and she looked great every day of our M without failure).

mules, I don't mean to burst any bubbles, but, I find this to be a horrible warning sign and CLASSIC for MLC. Please be careful.

She told the boys right to their faces that they are causing a lot of her problems right now with their bad behavior. I stopped the meeting right there and asked the boys to go to their room for a minute.

Classic signs of MLC and you handled this appropriately. This is VERY DESTRUCTIVE to your children.....

Mules...I am going to tell you something that someone posted to me very shortly after I arrived here in '06. This is NOT going to be over for a long time and you are in for a ride. I caution you NOT to get 'early euphoria or success'. I"m sorry...I don't want to be a party pooper not come across as 'ye of little faith'. I only wish to help you, if I can, and spare you any pain..if that is possible...by having been thru this myself.

My thread was placed in the inspirational column here in Dec. 06 for saving my M, and, I guess for being a 'model DB'er'. I am now filed for D. I would only recommend what everyone else is saying here:
-this appears to be MLC
-protect your children..be there emotionally for them
-do not expect this to be over soon
-DO expect that there is a high risk for an EA/PA
-detach, but, do so lovingly and this is NOT EASY to do

Caution, mules, caution.

Supporting you.
FIB

[mulesqb]

FIB - Thank you very much. I do get what you are saying. And I am very bothered by the whole attention from other men thing. It eats at me because giving her attention was one of the things I have prided myself on for our entire marriage - I really mean it - every day no matter what type of mood I was in. She often told me that many of her friends and relatives were jealous of the way that I treat her. That's what makes detachment so hard for me. I know this is her ride and i am not trying to control - I just feel like I am hanging around because she wants me to. Do you think that is bad?? Since we are living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed - it makes it very difficult. It's hard but I also realize she could be doing some things that are a lot worse than what she is currently doing. Quite frankly, what she thinks is wild and exciting is pretty damn boring and tame - but I'm not going to tell her that.

One of the things she said was that she never tried marijuana and wants to try it, but she is scared. She actually asked me to do it with her. Now I tried marijuana in college maybe a dozen or two dozen times - she was always there with me. One of the things she said to me is that "you had your fun and did all those things, I never did". I answered her - "that was 20 years ago and you were always right there with me - I always asked you to participate in anything I did - you never wanted to." She said that she was afraid what her parents would think. I have no desire to smoke marijuana right now - I'm a 41 year old father of three that loves his W and family - that ship sailed long ago. But this is part of her telling me that i need to let my hair down. Would you do it with her???

And thank you for the reminder of the length of this journey. I do understand I am in for a long, long ride. Early on I was riding the roller coaster - now I am trying to stay on an even keel no matter if there is good or bad going on because I know neither lasts very long. Don't worry about being a party pooper - I'd rather that than blowing smoke up my a$$ and then she goes into a full blown PA and I'm devastated for life. I honestly really appreciate you guys coming here every day and taking time out of your day to provide me support. I know you have been through it so you know just how much it helps. As I said before - I hope someday when I am through this that I can provide the same type of support to someone.

Update - Last night the neighbor's W talked her into going to Point Pleasant with her in a couple of weeks. My W doesn't want to go but she is doing because they want her to. I just said to do what you want and let me know so I can make arrangements to get the boys to all their activities. I feel like she wants me to talk her out of it - but I will not. I am scared of what could happen while she is away - but like some of you have said - it could happen whether she is with me or not. One thing though is that I am looking forward to that time without her in the house. The boys are actually happy she is going because they don't have to worry about the neighbors being around. They know we will do a lot of fun things that she doesn't let them do when she is home. I could just use the break from her right now. I am a little sick of her 24/7 selfishness.

2 of my sons have baseball tonight and I coach one of the teams. She has to take the other one to an away game about 40 minutes from our house. She was complaining about it this morning - the whole I hate baseball, it's so boring" routine. I just listened and kept going about my biz. I didn't say a word. When i left I told her I would e-mail her directions to the game.

She started a conversation about sex this morning. Last night the neighbor came over and was talking to me. He said he hasn't had sex in 4 months (unbelievably, he did tell me that he does truly love his W and that part of his bitterness right now is that SHE has changed so much - I think she is MLC also). My W asked me this morning what we were talking about - so I told her he was venting about his sex life - so she asked me what I said. I told her that I didn't say much because he kept rambling. She says " I bet you were saying things like - I'm in the same boat,blah, blah, blah"..I didn't respond - so she says that "well you know it's because of the situation here." She said it twice and I didn't respond - felt like she was baiting me into R talk. So I finally said that I know and changed the subject.

I spoke to her parents this morning. They are very depressed about the sitch. They actually want to confront her with the entire family as the neighbor's are the only 2 people in her life right now. I was able to talk them out of it - I told them how she can't be fixed and we shouldn't try. They are convinced that if we get her psychiatric treatment then at least she will start thinking clearly. They are upset because my W hasn't called them in over a week. She only calls when she needs them - they are feeling used - they are 100% right but what can be done??

[faithisbelieving]

mules....I think this neighbor stuff is a powderkeg. He tells you he hasn't had sex in 4 months. She is not having any with you. C'mon....this is dangerous stuff.

I agree that you should try and keep your M to yourself with regards to your inlaws. I made that mistake. I engaged my MIL to help me. She was totally ON MY SIDE..was even giving ME papers on bipolar, adult ADD, etc. Well, my friend, she also sat in the court room all dressed up in a nice dress when my FIL sued me in small claims court without warning for a mortgage payment he covered. STAY AWAY. Dr. Phil says you own your M. Own it. You. Not them.

I also asst. coached my son's BB team this year and it was the greatest GAL/high I have had. I plan to do it next year. Keep at it. I know am blessed by G-d: my son asks me everyday now "dad, let's have a catch". My glove is always at the ready. Stay with it. Stay in there lives and mules, I'm sure you know this but NEVER speak against your W EVER to them. Your words should always be supportive. I am sorry that she said what she did the other night but I agree with the others. She will regret this (or, with MLC, maybe even forget it or deny it someday). Some good things to say:
-mommy loves you but is going thru difficult times right now
-I love your mom and always will
-I will always help mom if she needs it, etc

I'm sure you know this already.

Keep your distance with the neighbor. I have a feeling that you are a dipstick for your W's empty 'needs' tank.

FIB

[Bworl]

Mules,

FIB offers solid advice. He's a good man and you can be sure that he has LIVED what he is sharing with you.


Would I smoke some pot with my wife because she was wanting to live out her "missed" youth? Wow, what a request. And I honestly don't know what to say to it. Part of me understands how you could consider it, wanting to be there for her and help her through it. But you see, there is a reason why that kind of stuff usually happens in those crazy college years. The fallout is so much less at that point than what it could be when you are that 40 year old parent of boys. Could you lose your job if you were caught? Could child protective services be called in if your boys parents were caught smoking some dope somewhere, or even worse trying to buy it? It just seems like taking this too far to me, though I understand your questioning it.


MLC really is THEIR ride. And yeah, the whole pot smoking thing and referring back to the college years is VERY indicative of someone trying to recapture a moment in time where they feel like they may have missed out.


I think I would have told my ex-wife that I just can't do those things anymore. That I'm no longer 19 or 20 with very little to lose. And I'd probably try to find a way to express to her that I understand that she's seeking out things to fill the holes that she feels inside, but that I really don't think smoking a joint is going to bring her the peace she longs for inside.


As for her trip, it's probably best that she go. Though I will tell you that I wouldn't be surprised if the neighbors wife is looking for a little out of town single experience. And if your wife is already expressing her interest in attention from other men, it's hard to say what the experience might possibly be for her. As FIB said, you should be prepared.


All you can do is be who you are. It does no good to let the anger take root and begin to color all that you say and do. Continue to use this board to get it all out. Your job is to stay steady and stay the course. Keep your boys stable and secure. And after all those things, then do your best to be there for your wife to the best of your ability.


Blessings,

Bill

[Phoenixdeux]

I agree with everything above. The thing I noticed you saying, and maybe it was a "slip of the tongue", is that the kids will be happy that the neighbors (not just the wife) will be gone. You also said, "they" talked her into going. I really don't like that. Actually, I don't like any of it, but I don't really think there is much you can do. I see several bad scenarios (I shouldn't even put the ideas in your head because what could you do about it anyway): All three will go and they are interested in a threesome, your wife is talking about "experimentation" and maybe next door neighbor wife is also (like cheating togeher or trying out the lesbian thing). I just can't really put anything past them.

[mulesqb]

I know FIB - it's all so strange. Should I just totally back off?? Since I started hanging with them my W is confiding in me again - seems to trust talking to me again. That's the only reason I've stayed.

The In-laws are great people - but I do understand that at the end of the day - my W is their daughter. They have told me that no matter what happens here they are thankful that we have gotten to know each other so well by talking about things. We have promised each other that will never change and I mean that and I know they do as well. They are ready to give up on my W - my W has shut them out - I am trying to encourage them to stay the course with me. They are devastated and depressed. Her Dad has started going to IC over this. They have always treated me like a son without the in-law attached. I do trust them. The neighbors are the only two people left in my W's life. She literally has nobody else. So her family is and has considered an intervention and want to get her to a psychiatrist. They were the ones that first told me to protect myself and get a lawyer. They feel that my W has made her own bed - so she needs to deal with the consequences. They have told me that if things go south they don't trust her with the kids and believe I should be the lead parent. They have seen enough of what I am experiencing to know.

As far as the kids - I am on top of that. That's the one thing I have been doing well. I can guarantee my W will forget and deny ever having that conversation - it won't be the first time.

At times I have the strength to do what I am doing - there are other times I really want to confront her and say that I am leaving and taking the kids with me. If you ever come out of this , give me a call.

[mulesqb]

Thanks Bill- When i reread what I wrote I can't believe I was even considering it - then when I read what you wrote I felt downright stupid.

I am scared about what could happen on this trip. But what can I do about it other than detach and enjoy my kids and if she crosses the line, it's over. I am and have been trying to prepare for this but at the end of the day - how can you really unless it happens??

I am staying the course and in for the long run. She is at IC right now - hoping something breaks through soon. All she has told me is that her C says that she must do what makes her happy - that scares me to death because it is exactly what she wants to hear. I'm hoping the C is just trying to gain her trust.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

your wife is talking about "experimentation" and maybe next door neighbor wife is also (like cheating togeher or trying out the lesbian thing).

I hate to say it, but this was my first thought as well.

Then again, I'm a sick puppy.

[Bworl]

I am scared about what could happen on this trip. But what can I do about it other than detach and enjoy my kids

You could have stopped right there.

Don't start borrowing trouble. And I know, we've helped you along that path with our warnings. Furthermore, don't presume to know that if something bad did happen that you would be ready to call it quits. You honestly have no idea right now. Our love for our spouse is an amazing thing, and when you factor in the years and their role as parent...well, just don't think you know right now how you would ultimately respond.

As for her parents, I would express my appreciation for their love, support, and concern, and then gently ask them to back off from their daughter. Intervention looks good on TV as a dramatic evening fare, but in the case of MLC doesn't play out so well. She's not on crack, she's not burying her face in a bottle of liquor or pills. She's a functioning (though not always well) woman, wife, and mother. You'd catch hell in court trying to prove otherwise.


I understand their concern. But they can't do anymore than you can on this one. And in their efforts they could very well both alienate themselves from their daughter (which you could likely be blamed for later) and drive a further wedge between your wife and you and the boys.


They need to try to understand this for what it is. A crisis of the soul. A point in your wife's life where, for whatever reason, nothing makes sense, nothing satisfies, and nothing is right. A point where the quest for peace and the ability to FEEL anything is the driving force.


Be thankful that she continues with her counseling and urge them to let this run it's course.


Blessings,


Bill