2008 = Crazy Year (3)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yes. You show her by ACTIONS, not WORDS. Other than little "truth darts" a couple of times a week, you won't be able to reach her with words. "You can't teach an adulterer" is something I learned early on (that and "all cheaters lie" were SO true!). So you show her by your actions that you are the man of integrity and character and strength that she would want to be with.

When she asks you why you're doing it, you say "Because I'm trying to save my marriage, and I took my vows seriously" or something similar.

Puppy

I am defitiely trying that, but am struggling with how to show that I can be what she is wanting (because as have heard before, she does not believe I can change). She wants emotional connection, conversation about non-fluff stuff, etc. Tough to do with actions and not words.

OK, I see what you're saying here. That IS a tough, tough one.

My suggestion would be to give her GLIMPSES of that ability, but no more. Say, once a week you sit and have a really nice, long, validating, listening conversation with her, just to flex that relationship muscle and show it off to her.

Then you pull way back.

I'd welcome others' thoughts, but that would be mine.

Puppy

[lost_in_space]

OK, I see what you're saying here. That IS a tough, tough one.

My suggestion would be to give her GLIMPSES of that ability, but no more. Say, once a week you sit and have a really nice, long, validating, listening conversation with her, just to flex that relationship muscle and show it off to her.

We will see. We are going to discuss financial stuff on Thursday. Who knows where that will go.

The ideal would be that she has a small dose of reality (which can only be helped by her parents disc, finacial review, etc) and she wants to then see if there is anything to salvage in our M. I think we would need help to ultimately overcome where we are. Let's just hope it is not too late for me...

Interesting horoscope today (Scorpio):
Today one of your relationships will reach a crossroads -- although you might not have an awareness of it until you have already gone one way while they've gone the other. Don't let this growing sense of emotional distance make you lose hope, though. Sometimes people have to go off in their own direction to find what they need. This could be a temporary separation, you know. Roads that diverge can come back around again. Your relationship is not going to end.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lost,

Assure her that you are ready and willing to discuss ALL ISSUES -- including yours -- and with the help of a good MC, too.

But she has to end her affair, first.

Puppy

[lost_in_space]

Puppy,

Funny you say that. In one of her rants about me contacting OMW, she mentioned that this wasn't all about the A and I have to own my issues.

Have never denied that - guess just have to make a point of pointing out that I do and that I GET IT.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lost,

One of the things you learn on this fogged-out rollercoaster ride is how much you have to STAY ON MESSAGE. It's like a political campaign -- you have to keep things short, simple, on-message, and repeat them often. No, you don't let outright lies go unchallenged, but you don't dwell on them, either.

Lots of similarities.

Anyway, I had to tell my wife two or three DOZEN times, things like "No, your affair is not the only issue we have. It is, however, our immediate OBSTACLE. End your affair, come back to the marriage, and I think you'll find me more than willing to discuss and work on any and all issues, including mine."

and

"I fully understand that there were problems that we had that led to these conditions. And I will take my full 50% responsibility for them. But I will not, and DO not, take any responsibility for your reckless and selfish decision to have an affair. End your affair, and we can work on ALL of our marital issues, together."

[lost_in_space]

Lost,

One of the things you learn on this fogged-out rollercoaster ride is how much you have to STAY ON MESSAGE. It's like a political campaign -- you have to keep things short, simple, on-message, and repeat them often. No, you don't let outright lies go unchallenged, but you don't dwell on them, either.

I know that for sure. Amazing how many times I have to say that I am not leaving. I think she is waiting for me to suddenly say I have found my own place. Not going to happen anytime soon. I will remember that as we go.

Lots of similarities.

I am encouraged by that.

[lost_in_space]

These moods will come and go, in WILD swings. And in general, "GOOD = BAD," meaning you have more to be worried about her GOOD moods than you do her BAD ones

So Puppy, do you still hold with this? If so, I am not so worried about the last few days (after her convo with her parents) because she has not had what I would consider a good mood...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

These moods will come and go, in WILD swings. And in general, "GOOD = BAD," meaning you have more to be worried about her GOOD moods than you do her BAD ones

So Puppy, do you still hold with this? If so, I am not so worried about the last few days (after her convo with her parents) because she has not had what I would consider a good mood...

Yes, I do. Good moods usually mean they've had their OM/OW "fix."

[lost_in_space]

These moods will come and go, in WILD swings. And in general, "GOOD = BAD," meaning you have more to be worried about her GOOD moods than you do her BAD ones

So Puppy, do you still hold with this? If so, I am not so worried about the last few days (after her convo with her parents) because she has not had what I would consider a good mood...

Yes, I do. Good moods usually mean they've had their OM/OW "fix."

Then I am fine for now!

[lost_in_space]

What a night! WW has D's at soccer when I get home. I go to pick up S13 at a hockey camp, bring him home and then head out to do a few errands. W has meeting at 7 so D's get a ride with others. I get home and take D10 shopping. D16 has some girlfriends over. I get home and S13 wants to teach me how to play COD on X-Box (I suck!).

Then I sit down to watch movie with D10 and S13 until midnight.

W gets home at 10:50, asks D10 about soccer and goes to bed. Oh well, I will take the night with the K's these days anyway. Too bad W is missing it!

Talked to the H of the friends that W went to see a couple weeks ago. He was not impressed with W at all re A nor with what she is doing. The support W said she had from them was all B.S. Was good for me to hear that they cannot understand why W is unhappy or why she would even think of breaking up our family.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day.