It starts with a change in perception. If my focus gets lost and/or I get baited/trapped/put on the defensive, I pay attention to what changed.
Below is my sorta list:
talking me in circles, placing all the blame on me telling me how difficult it is for him, how much pain I'm causing him using the children... using anger bullying intimidation threatening ("It will get ugly for you and the kids..) when I feel myself getting emotionally out of control.. not the huge kind, just starting to feed just a little into "He should know this" yelling
Anything that shows a lack of respect on his part is a major red flag.
It's a process. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I forget. But, the BS meter never lies.
During a phone call he started talking about something. I told him I wasn't going there because I knew he would talk circles around me, and it wouldn't go anywhere.
Something clicked a little later that he'd been doing that to me for years. That I'd be focused on one thing, we'd talk and the next thing I knew it was something completely different and I'd be incredibly confused. Realizing that it was intentional woke me up.
I described that interaction to my lawyer who told me he took advantage of the soft spot I felt for him, that he manipulated me and bullied me to get what he wanted. That he would make it so I was the one being blamed for everything. Hmmm. The next time he called about something that was upsetting him, I listened. His swirling conversation thing started, I stopped it. Then it went on to something else and I eventually told him what he wanted to hear.
I stopped talking to him on the phone, keeping it on email for a point since I ended up always feeling pressured and attacked. He then would write something, after we'd had some positive exchanges.. "We need to talk directly to make sure none of the details of the kids are left out." I couldn't imagine any more detail, but since it had been positive, I called. BANG.. he jumped on me about something. As I was battling that, I added "using the children" on the list of don't fall for.
By now I had..
talking me in circles, placing all the blame on me look at how much pain you're causing me using the children...
and as my brother would say.. a pretty good bullshit meter registering things.
As things that came up, I'd pay attention to my voice/BS meter inside while listening or emailing him. If something registered, I'd pay attention to it and add it to the list.
People's responses to my interactions helped. After one conversation where he was screaming at me (amazing!) imp wrote.. Look what good control you had.. as he was out of control yelling.
Aha... added "using anger as intimdation."
So my list which has been in my head is..
talking me in circles, placing all the blame on me look at how much pain you're causing me using the children... using anger as intimidation bullying intimidation threatening ("It will get ugly for you and the kids..) yelling
I've hung up on him a few times, but usually call right back.
Learning the fine art of "click", disconnecting the call when it gets abusive/out of control/hurtful/disrespectful is another skill I'm learning. Not promptly replying to emails, letting his calls go to voice message are other things I work on.
I firmly believed he was honest and straightforward. His consistent evolving actions changed that.
He does what he needs to do to get his way. I'm learning it's not my job to placate, calm, fear, agree or disagree with him.
Now I do what's right for me to be healthy, make good choices. His actions forced a tremendous change. It's my decision now, my choice on how I move forward.
Me Me Me..
Not him him him.
*hugs* Gypsy]
Purple Purple Member
Registered: 06/19/08 Posts: 132 One word...wow.
How'd you keep all those thngs in your head when all the crazy making was going on?
I dealt with h semi-successfully not long ago.
He would normally pick d7 up today but he called this morning and we discussed it between h, me and d7 and she said she wanted me to pick her up. Lately I have been going swimming on this night of the week and taking d7 with me (parking her with her dinner at one end of the pool while I swim laps). I told h in the morning that I was going swimming but when I picked d7 up tonight I thought we'd try going to a pool that's closer to home (as opposed to going to our normal pool which is in the centre where h works but it is further away and my membership has just expired). This different pool is set up differently so I told d7 she would be able to go for a swim after she ate her dinner. I checked my phone before I left work at about 5pm but I have been leaving it on silent a lot of the time over the last two or three weeks, partly because the buttons are not working well to swap between loud and silent and it's less disruptive if I have it on silent. The other reason is that I'm sick of the anxious feeling in my gut when I hear the phone ring (or vibrate) and putting it on silent makes me feel like I have more control over answering the phone as _I_ make the decision as to when I check my phone and not jumping to answer it when it rings.
Anyway, I digress. Got on the train, picked d7 up, came home, heated up her dinner, got changed and went to the pool. I didn't check my phone till we were leaving the pool at about 7.45pm. h had rung twice and left me a text @ 6.30pm asking me if I was still going swimming. I texted back "yep, but we went to [different place] instead." NOrmally I would explain more of my reasoning but I made a conscious decision to just state the facts in my text.
So we get home and get in the bath/shower. As I was getting out of the shower I heard the answering machine beep and realised it was probably h. He rang again a couple of minutes later when I was still drying off. Once I was dry I rang him back and got served with some of the following:
h: "Why are you ignoring me?" me: I'm not ignoring you, I was in the shower. h: so I call 5 times and you don't bother to call me back? me: look, my phone was on silent and I didn't check it till after we got out of the pool and I texted a reply to you. h: [accuses me of] "playing silly games" h: I was worried about you guys, I left a message to check to see if you got d7 okay ...and so on and so forth. He was pretty sh1tty and kept saying I was playing games. I tried explaining why I had my phone on silent (at work it's loud). He said 'well, turn it down then' in a childish voice. I was in deep doo-doo for not answering the phone for 2.5 hours. he ended up hanging up.
I put d7 to bed, got my dinner ready. Thought about whether I should ring him back or not. Which would resolve the issue? If I didn't ring him back it would send the message that I was either p1ssed off or that I felt guilty and therefore he was right about his comments about playing games. If I did ring, how would I keep the conversation without degenerating again?
So I rang. I said that "look, I can see why you would have gotten upset that I didn't check my phone. I'm guessing that you were worried that I wasn't able to pick her up or that I had forgotten"
he said yes. he was worried.
phone call ended peacefully.
*sigh*...I was going to be strong on this one. I was not going to say I was sorry for not calling or checking my phone. I don't have to check in with him any more. Why is he treating me like this? If he had have approached the situation with less anger and accusation I would have been more likely to understand what he was worried about. As it was, I had to go away and think about what made him mad. That shouldn't be my job. I dont' want to be in a relationship where I have to justify myself and feel like I am not believed.
Is this the sort of thing you get? Guilt trips and checking up on?
I see this clearly right now so I wanted to write it down. Hope you don't mind me putting it on your thread. I really did intend to just put a summary down but it just spilled out.
Just copying this from L2's thread to keep track.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
