Trying ... well if you can call it that, I guess.

[Abbey]

That's what our spouses do though, isn't it. Certainly in many cases. He's jumped into another relationship to forget the pain. Me disappearing out of the picture hit him yesterday, I saw it in his face, but he's not going to mourn the loss of me, not for a while anyway. He's replaced me with a shiny new penny instead. And yes, books say that this will come and hit him in the face in most cases, eventually (that's usually when they show up back at your door a year or two later with their tail between their legs). Then again, maybe I'll probably never know if he ever really mourns the loss of us though... he obviously likes to rewrite history and stay in denial by going from emotional difficult places by being a turtle and masking his pain by feeding his ego with new toys(women).

I know for me, that somebody new isn't going to make this go away. I don't want another man in my life. I wouldn't mind a couple of male friends who feel the same way that I do... no fuss no muss, and NO romantic complications... maybe I'll find that guitar player fella I wrote about earlier.

What's strange is that even right now, having my OLD H back in full bloom isn't going to make this go away either. So much pain. So many lies he's told. So much stuff that he's placed in his head inside out, upside down, and out right fabricated. I mentioned once to my T, how strange it seemed to feel like he and I were standing on a sidewalk looking at something and yet he and I seeing something completely opposite from one another. I mean in some cases he's re-written things so badly that he's denied having affairs on his first wife, ... when in fact he knows full WELL that I KNEW about the woman before me, hell on a few occasions I actually covered for him because he was "with her"... LONG before he and I ever became a couple.

Symbolically, I put my wedding ring in a trinket box in the shape of a cat, along with a tuft of fur from his and my fur baby that we lost in 2005. The memory of my love of him is safe there as it is with the fur baby's fur. I am going to finally find something that meant something to he and I and/or that represents the tiny last grain of "hope" that he'll someday come to his senses and realize the mistake he made by throwing me away ... that too is where it needs to go, so I can just let go and let him go through his process and hit bottom eventually. But mostly to make myself go on and find a way to grow. I know a few couples who have "gone dark", went their separate ways, only to end up back together a year, or 2 later. 3 couples actually from my H's extended family and a mutual friend who divorced only to get back together and remarry his wife a 2nd time. Miracles happen. And that's what this will need - a miracle. I just cannot give up every last bit of hope, I can't. My love for who he was is too strong, too deep. I also truly believe that if I just "give up" that that is what gets "sent out" per say and it blocks a miracle from happening. So I *have* to leave that door opened however small. However unlikely,... there's a safety in being able to put it away, if ya know what I mean.

Today is easier that yesterday. I'm seeing my T today, that'll be good.

Now I need to find motivation to *DO* stuff again. I was doing so well, things were getting easier. At times it feels like I'm paralyzed. I just want to sit on a chair and not move so nothing more can hurt me. Cripes, I started to cry while I was brushing my teeth. *stupid smile*

My body hurts, my head hurts, and dammit, my heart hurts, .... as we all do here.

Abbey