Of COURSE she blew up. I told you she would. Why did you announce your attention to move back in? Just DO IT, and then stand in the face of her bluster when she blows.
You did NOT "blow it." THIS, my friend, is the FIRST courageous, correct thing you've done (other than pre-announcing your intentions to her). Stand your ground, and play the script the way Mark has laid it out so well.
As Nick Nolte says at the end of that great movie, "North Dallas Forty":
I guess I should add this in, don't criticize the OM. You can acknowledge to her that violating a private home isn't showing a great deal of maturity and you hope he realizes that.
But don't attack him outright, criticize the behaviour gently and briefly and let it go.
If you attack the OM and point fingers there, she's turned you into a Jealous child and you have given her more reason to leave.
Be an ADULT and she can't criticize you. She will have nowhere to go but back to you. Be an adult and she will change her mind.
Your posts here don't sound very adultlike, and that's ok, rant here, but don't behave like you are here when you are with her. I would reccomend you practice HERE how you would deal with her.
SHow maturity. She won't have anything to criticize but your past. And she will let that go in time.
Also, start buying books on how to build a happy family in your household and leave them around the house. READ them, but leave them out so she can see you are reading and maturing.
Don't argue with her.
Just IGNORE her and mature into an adult, you have the opportunity to win her back like an adult.
Look at this like she has cancer. Your home has a cancer right now. You can grumble and fight with her, you can have breakdowns and get all ME focussed, OR you can help HER.
She's upset, she's miserable, she's scared. Show her she's living with an adult, show her that your son has an adult for a father rather than some snivveling drug user and she may change her mind. How can you expect her to want to say when you arne't offering her anything different?
YOU change, and SHE will.
If you want HER to change, YOU need to change.
She has a cancer in her home, its time for you to grow up and see her thorugh this. If you want to hide and cry then you can writ eyour marriage off right now.
Fill your home iwth what she wants. Go to a rehab center and volunteer for God sakes. You have a great opportunity there to show her there is an adult in you. Don't point fingers at her, she's scared and thinks she's living with a child...and you want to criticize HER as a defence?
Dude, stop worrying about her fits and temper, thre's a cancer in her home and she needs an adult to see her through that and let her know everything's going to be allright.
Tell her outright YOU were contaminating the household and that isn't going to happen anymore. Walk proud as a mature adult my friend. Dazzle her with maturity.
If I were you, I would flood your home with books on drug rehab and work with addicts part time. This is a chance to show her that you are reformed, mature, and that you care about people.
THIS will make the OM look like an ass, mature the OM out of your home. THAT is how you win this one back is by OUT-MATURING the OM.
Stop reading this forum and get started :
Books to read
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw Divorce Remedy by Michele Davis After the Affair by Sping Not Just Friends by Glass
Get some other good books on building a happy home and sprinkle them around the house.
Get up away from your PC, you have work to do my friend. Enjoy the road back to a happy marriage. Own your past, move that past to a proud future.
Thanks, it comes from more practice than I am happy to admit...at least its coming to good use.
Buster you should do fine, just out-mature this sob...you have made some childish mistakes in the past, and this is your penance, bear your cross with the dignity of a real human being and you will get to the other side of this.
And yes, you said she did the drugs too, well guess what? When you get accused of a crime and you point fingers at others and defend yourself with "Hey she did them too"...just makes you look like a child. Adults own thier mistakes as part of the history they create for themselves, children point fingers and avoid the history they make for themselves.
We all write a story for our lives, you can't escape that. Men accept this, children run from it...this is your moment in the sun...step up to the bat and swing away.
Ok well we just had our first heart-to-heart, both parties crying, sit down talk. I owned up to everything I have done to ruin this relationship, and did not point the finger, talk condescendingly, or put any blame on her. She said it will be hard, it will take a long time possibly but I have to move on. She hated who she was with me. She wanted to go back to school to be a nurse but with her wanting to buy an nice family house and me smoking weed she didn't get there. She is going back now hopefully. Everytime we talk, there is no hope in her words. I said hopefully someday I can be the partner and father to our son she had hoped I was from the beginning. We are selling the house, so I am staying at my parents and she is finding a place to go too.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Dude, you have to stop listening to her, she FEELS hopeless, that doens't mean YOU give up, it means YOU OFFER her HOPE by becoming the person she wants...she threw you a rope...use it.
Well done on controlling yourself. Honeslty, she's miserable right now and scared, she needs you to be that guy NOW. SHow her you can be that guy now. Work your arse off..help her get into school. Don't make promises, make it happen.
I think you really need to move back into the home. It will just show her how serious you really are. I know first hand that she has no right to keep you out of a house that has both names on it. My H uses this to his advantage. If she has the locks changed you have every legal right to call the police and get into the house. That is half of your house.
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
seriously the animosity would be unbearable by me moving in. we are on our way to mediation instead of getting nasty with lawyers. I don't want to start crap.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
