2008 = Crazy Year (3)

[hopeful4her]

The long road continues...

Just keep your eyes on the goal.

[lost_in_space]

Turtle - not hare. Must remember that.

[lost_in_space]

Heard tonight from a friend who talked to WW about the Fri mtg with her parents. WW disappointed cause parents not as supportive as she would have liked at all. Too bad. They suggested she get over it. I am not suggesting that - we need to work at it, but she has to decide she wants to first.

Pretty quiet tonite.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Interesting. So she responds to pressure.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am not suggesting that - we need to work at it, but she has to decide she wants to first.

Pretty quiet tonite.

So, Lost, what -- specifically -- are you doing to make yourself be the one she wants???

[lost_in_space]

Puppy,
Don't know if it is that she responds to pressure so much. It definitely causes stress which affects her. She focuses on some task to the extreme to deal with it. Recent stuff has appeared to affect her.

On the what have I done question, that is tough. I am not coming across as the needy, grovelling, begging Lost that I had been early in the game. I know she values conversation but that is tough when she will not talk to me (like yesterday). She values admiration, bur REALLY tough right now. So all I can do is be the best dad I can, spend time with kids, do stuff around house (hell I even made supper last two nights) and do stuff for me.

I think the problem is at this moment, WW doesn't think I can be what she wants (assuming she eventually gets over the OMW thing).

We had a brief conv last night about financial stuff. Very civil but I sensed she wanted more from me - but at 12:30 and me getting up for work at 6, couldn't go there last night. BUT THIS IS WHAT SHE WANTS - someone to be able to talk with. So how do I deal with that and not get to the R topic?

Somedays she shows signs like she is so out of here, but others not even close.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lost,

All you can do is let her know that if she ends her affair and comes back to your marriage, you will be the best best friend and listener she's ever had. But you can't fill that need of hers as long as there's a third person in the marriage.

I will tell you this: it was the missing of my FRIENDSHIP more than anything else that caused my wife to break. Wish I could say it was my studly bod or my incisive wit, but nah -- it was the sharing of her day, good and bad, that she told me she missed the most.

Puppy

[lost_in_space]

And there's the problem for me. Unfortunately anything I say now falls on deaf ears. So all I can do is be there I think. Any other thoughts?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

And there's the problem for me. Unfortunately anything I say now falls on deaf ears. So all I can do is be there I think. Any other thoughts?

Yes. You show her by ACTIONS, not WORDS. Other than little "truth darts" a couple of times a week, you won't be able to reach her with words. "You can't teach an adulterer" is something I learned early on (that and "all cheaters lie" were SO true!). So you show her by your actions that you are the man of integrity and character and strength that she would want to be with.

When she asks you why you're doing it, you say "Because I'm trying to save my marriage, and I took my vows seriously" or something similar.

Puppy

[lost_in_space]

Yes. You show her by ACTIONS, not WORDS. Other than little "truth darts" a couple of times a week, you won't be able to reach her with words. "You can't teach an adulterer" is something I learned early on (that and "all cheaters lie" were SO true!). So you show her by your actions that you are the man of integrity and character and strength that she would want to be with.

When she asks you why you're doing it, you say "Because I'm trying to save my marriage, and I took my vows seriously" or something similar.

Puppy

I am defitiely trying that, but am struggling with how to show that I can be what she is wanting (because as have heard before, she does not believe I can change). She wants emotional connection, conversation about non-fluff stuff, etc. Tough to do with actions and not words. So what have I done specifically on the points you mentioned?

Integrity - no lying, honesty, limited "beating around the bush"

Character - partly with the above, friendly with others, standing up for what I believe in, being a pleasant person even in the face of all thos cr@p, GAL

Strength - sticking to my position and not backing down (ok, I waiver with this one a bit ), dealing with whatever comes my way.


I find it tough - I am ready to tackle the world when I get home from work, am pleasant to WW but internally sometimes get defeated when I get in and have no response from WW. It is times like these that I wish she would just leave and let the rest of us live in peace. That feeling doesn't last long.

So open to any and all suggestions!