should i contact the OM and attempt to get him to back off ? i have warned him twice in the past month that she is married and he wouldn't want someone doing this to him.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
both of our names are on the mortgage so its not just "my" house. I still don't see how moving in will help me. I'm not worried about a house, i'm worried about my marriage and saving it
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
I tried calling the OW. Theyre immature and you cant make someone with such poor character feel bad, they dont have shame or guilt, and it wont do anything but frustrate you more. The last thing that I will say about moving back in is that if you do, DO NOT move back out, it will only confirm what she may preceive as your poor character. Put the burden on her, maybe you should try to find another job, or change your shift, I know its not as easy as it sounds, but really, whats more important your job or your marriage? I dont think that she will move out, she might, but she might not. Wait for others input on this, but I have heard other M professionals recommend it for the same above mentioned reasons.
Last edited by bluerain; 07/08/0808:19 AM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't. Why wouldn't she? Because she's comfortable there. Because she has support there. Because it's a place to "fall" if this affair thing doesn't work out. Simple appearances. Because she loves you, and still isn't sure if she's ready to leave you. LOTS of possible reasons.
Starshyne how does moving back in say more than words to her ? she will be pi$$ed
Buster,
First off, you've got to stop -- FOREVER -- using the degree to which your wife will be "pissed" as your motivation in your decision-making. Replace it with things like "what is the RIGHT thing to do in this situation?", "what would GOD have me do in this situation?" and "will this bring me closer to, or further from, my stated goals?"
Once you stop operating from a position of "How will my wife react to this, and how will it make ME feel when she reacts that way?", and start doing instead what is RIGHT, I will promise you, is one of the most liberating things you will ever experience.
Now, to answer your question: moving back in says to her:
- I am a man of integrity - You do not intimidate me - I love you, and am willing to fight for you - I will not be moved; I am strong - You can have this strength you see working FOR you, if you choose to have a relationship with me, instead of FIGHTING it.
It says a lot of things. What it DOESN'T say is "I am a quitter, and am weak, and run when things get tough." A woman, especially, will lose respect for a spouse that projects this.
I wrote her a letter today saying I was moving back in and I should have never left, and she flipped out. Major explosion. she told me she was finding a place to live and i was staying at my parents until she did or else she'd change the locks. also told me if i was moving in i owed her 14000 dollars (closing costs + downpayment). i know i don't owe it to her since the house is joint assets. basically the only part i left out of this story is i used to smoke a lot of pot. a LOT. i did cocaine one time and lied about it too. for these reasons i ruined our marriage she said. so she threatened to tell my parents everything today. I'm such a fool. i never really considered it as ruining the marriage because she would smoke with me all the time(basically a hypocrite). we've obviously stopped all illegal activity but she still uses it against me. long story short = i worked 3rd shift and when I was home i was too tired to spend every minute with her and our son (NEVER neglected my son, we did things together all the time.) so after all this, the OM came along. she says I ruined the marriage and is tired of being labeled the bad guy. so both parties are to blame. I told her it wasn't about the house. it just kills me to go visit him there and have to leave. destroys me. i showed weakness and started crying telling her i need to see him more and that makes her more angry because I was always too tired before. i don't know what to do !!! having a nervous breakdown
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
First Buster, YOU contaminate your marriage and set things up such that affairs can happen, and so did SHE. I am sure she made mistakes too.
Despite the fact that she used the drugs with you, either one of you could have shown the maturity to stop and help the other one to stop...you both were only thinking of yourselves, not hthe harm you were doing to each other or your household.
DRUGS run a household. But you both participated, she CAN criticize you for that, do NOT ignore that.
If you acknowledge that you BOTH made a mistake and you have cleaned up your home she will have more respect for you than if you hide like a child behind some defensive argument that she isn't going to believe.
Accept that drugs harm households, accept that you and she used them and accept equal responsability along with her for bringing them into the household.
Second, you are listening to what she is saying way too much. She is in an affair and is giong to throw crap at you for a while and you are going to need to learn to NOT let it get to you. You are going to have to learn to stand back and respond maturely to what she says.
She's TELLING you how to SAVE your relationship and you arne't listening. When she criticizes you for using drugs, don't defend yourself, accept it and show some maturity. She clearly is upset at the maturity you showed in using them (never mind the fact that she did too), SHE wants a partner who is more mature than that. So, accept the criticism.
"OK, I did and I am sorry. I even cleaned myself because I wasn't proud of it. The drugs are free from our home and they wont' be coming back. I want a healthy home for our family."
THIS is what she's wanting to hear from you...stop defending yourself.
When your wife criticizes you, LISTEN to it and GROW from it. She's handing you all the ammunition you need to become a more desirable spouse for her. Stop defending yourself and don't attack her.
Yes, move back in. Ignore her threats, you have to stop taking what she says at face value and listen to the subtext. You have a 2 year old son, then use that :
"I want a healthy happy home for our son and I intend on being the person to offer that. This is a drug free home and always will be. We have a family to think about and our family comes first and always will."
etc...THIS will show some maturity. Do you think she wants to hear you argue with her or make excuses? She's accusing you of acting like a child and you REACT like a child by defending yourself.
As far as telling your parents that you used drugs, cut her off at the knees and tell them yoruself. Show maturity here. I would be showing as much maturity as possible. This is clearly what she's looking for from the sounds of it.
Somehow this OM has convinced her that he can offer more of that. And no, he's not more mature, he's having an affair. Is it fair? Of course not. That my friend is a life lesson you will be learning all too well in the near future.
Walk the mature road and don't let all this get to you. Your son needs a parent right now and SHE isn't acting like one. If YOU want to impress HER then act like a parent.
Move back in and tell her that her son needs his father. Clean the entire home up so it is more inviting to a child. And show some maturity to her. STOP talking about what you want or how you feel and ACT like a mature adult.
Lastly, expose the affair. Don't meet with this OM in private and try to reason with him, he isn't going to listen to you. Expose the affair as a childish escape that is destructive to your child's home and to yours.
Affairs my friend are a nasty drug as much as cocaine is. She is addicted right now and she isn't going to listen to anything you have to say. You need to expose the affair and be the adult in your home for the next while.
Ignore her threats and tantrums. Do the mature adult thing and show her that you are the mature adult. She will gradually learn that SHE is the child and things should change for the better from there.
Don't react to her behaviour. Do'nt let her fits intimidate you. Do what your family needs. This is YOUR SHOT to be the ADULT in the home.
You BLEW it last time when you brought drugs in and shared them with your wife, NOW you are paying for that. CLEAN UP yourself and aim for a clean home for your family. That is the mature road and the one you will have to walk for some time to come...probably the rest of your life. Get used to it.
Also, don't criticize her for using drugs with you. Criticize your PAST mistakes maturely and leave it there. She will realise she is included too, but she likley won't admit it.
Just acknowledge your mistakes like a mature adult, acknowledge what you are doing to clean things up and let her know where things are going from there.
Telling others about the drug use before she does is the best way to go. Do it maturely as I outlined above. Don't criticize her at all. Criticize YOUR behaviour and let her find how that includes her on her own.
i am destroyed