I opened up to H today & told him that I was emotional because last night as I lay next to him, it felt so good. I'm starting to feel safe, & comfortable. I'm starting to understand how people feel safer with their partner around. I didn't tell him, I've never felt this way ever with anyone. I started crying. He asked me how he could help. I got a post it note & wrote "I want us to move to the couch & you offer to hold me". He said "why can't you say it". How could I tell him, I'm still afraid of him rejecting me. So many times I asked him to hold me & he refused. He said he couldn't hold me when I was attacking him. I didn't know I was attacking, I thought I was communicating.
I started crying, & told him that these feelings scare me too. What if now that I feel this way about him, he goes away. What if something happens to him. He asked me why I thought that way. I just said "everybody leaves". Every single person I ever cared about, left, neglected or abandoned me. He tried to talk logically to me, pointing out that he hasn't left in 18 years why would he now. He doesn't realize these fears I have are irrational, & deep, & seared into my soul. Logic doesn't reach that depth of pain.
I wanted him to be so happy that I was feeling safe with him. Instead he seemed bummed. He just simply said, "well, that is what I've been working towards all this time". Then tonight, he seemed withdrawn. He talked to our D during a show we were watching. Didn't say much to me. Then at bedtime, he went up without kissing me first. He hasn't skipped kissing me in weeks & weeks.
I don't understand. Why does he pull back just when I need reassurance the most ?
I followed him up, I asked him "for the last several weeks, you've given me a nice warm kiss goodnight, but not tonight?", he said he thought I was coming right up, (even though I was flipping thru the DVR list). I asked "it seems like you talked a lot to D during the show, & not me?" He said I don't know, I thought everything was fine. He said, come to bed, & I'll hold you. I got in bed, but told him I was going to read for a few minutes, & see if I could figure out what was bothering me.
I didn't go to my normal pattern, which is bring up everything little thing, in order to get to the real thing. I just kept my thoughts to myself, & tried to get to the real thing.
The little things were the dishes, not going to the movie with us, the humidifier, the laundry, the comment about S17, the e-mail that I sent him that was so warm & tender, & he joked with me about deleting it because he didn't recognize who sent it.......
The real thing. He's so focused on building this consulting division, I'm wanting more of his attention. I could be in bed right now with him holding me. What am I so afraid of ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
