Is this what healing feels like ???

[Racefan]

{{{cookie}}}...

Just stoppin by to say hi

Brian

[Gypsy]

Hey cookie..

Just checking up on you... how goes life?

*hugs*

[Tomato]

Hi SC

I just wanted to send you some good cheer and let you know I am thinking about you and your 'oddysey'(sp) (I am usually a good speller but not so sure about that one)

I have had a day or two off from crying as I read some of your posts. I think I miss that. Weird!?

I hope you and the family are well. May God be your guide.

[healthydad]

Hope you're back soon Smartcookie - I think a lot of us could use some of your wisdom.
-sb.

[Arthur]

SC - Just catching up a bit, hope you can pop by my thread and give me some advice, i really need all the support and information I can get right now.

Thanks for all your sharing, it is so informative.

What books did you ask Husband to read BTW ? are they applicable to a women WAW ? or are there any that are ?

[smartcookie]

I'm hurting & confused.

I opened up to H today & told him that I was emotional because last night as I lay next to him, it felt so good. I'm starting to feel safe, & comfortable. I'm starting to understand how people feel safer with their partner around. I didn't tell him, I've never felt this way ever with anyone. I started crying. He asked me how he could help. I got a post it note & wrote "I want us to move to the couch & you offer to hold me". He said "why can't you say it". How could I tell him, I'm still afraid of him rejecting me. So many times I asked him to hold me & he refused. He said he couldn't hold me when I was attacking him. I didn't know I was attacking, I thought I was communicating.

I started crying, & told him that these feelings scare me too. What if now that I feel this way about him, he goes away. What if something happens to him. He asked me why I thought that way. I just said "everybody leaves". Every single person I ever cared about, left, neglected or abandoned me. He tried to talk logically to me, pointing out that he hasn't left in 18 years why would he now. He doesn't realize these fears I have are irrational, & deep, & seared into my soul. Logic doesn't reach that depth of pain.

I wanted him to be so happy that I was feeling safe with him. Instead he seemed bummed. He just simply said, "well, that is what I've been working towards all this time". Then tonight, he seemed withdrawn. He talked to our D during a show we were watching. Didn't say much to me. Then at bedtime, he went up without kissing me first. He hasn't skipped kissing me in weeks & weeks.

I don't understand. Why does he pull back just when I need reassurance the most ?

I followed him up, I asked him "for the last several weeks, you've given me a nice warm kiss goodnight, but not tonight?", he said he thought I was coming right up, (even though I was flipping thru the DVR list). I asked "it seems like you talked a lot to D during the show, & not me?" He said I don't know, I thought everything was fine. He said, come to bed, & I'll hold you. I got in bed, but told him I was going to read for a few minutes, & see if I could figure out what was bothering me.

I didn't go to my normal pattern, which is bring up everything little thing, in order to get to the real thing. I just kept my thoughts to myself, & tried to get to the real thing.

The little things were the dishes, not going to the movie with us, the humidifier, the laundry, the comment about S17, the e-mail that I sent him that was so warm & tender, & he joked with me about deleting it because he didn't recognize who sent it.......

The real thing. He's so focused on building this consulting division, I'm wanting more of his attention. I could be in bed right now with him holding me. What am I so afraid of ?

[Purple]

I don't know what to say Cookie, other than I can feel your confusion and pain coming through the screen. I understand your fear of him leaving...man...I do. I haven't had the hurdles that you have had....at least not in the way you have, so I almost feel guilty for relating to this...its like I don't feel like I have a reason to pin my fears on.

I think it sounds like you are struggling with how much you should let out and let him know? Are you worried that he's going to snap with his good behaviour? That he can't keep it going forever? How do you feel about him? Maybe it's better to focus on how you feel about him...

I want tohelp but I'm not sure what to say.

[Arthur]

SC - You've come so far, but you still deep down have fears like anyone. You've had it rough so try not to beat yourself or your H up to much when you have these little lapses.

Maybe write him a little note re what you were thinking when this was going on and what, for you, would of been good for him to do. He wants to learn and he will appreciate it I'm sure.

Hey, us guys don't play the guessing game very well when it comes to emotions. Spell it out to us in a non blaming attacking way even if you need to outline what we would gain by doing what you ask, it will solve a lot. (that's not a blame women statement BTW, it's just reality)

[Neilh23]

Cookie...i think arthur is right. YOu need to just come out and tell him what you are afraid of. Tough, yes. But it will make him understand. Remember, us guys need to get his with stuff in order to understand. By telling him straight out, he will get it.