((((((Beth 83)))))) Sometimes I think it helps to pull back into yourself, for a while. Not permanently, I think depression can be down that road, but sometimes consolidating your feelings within yourself, and your own strength can be a good thing. We will be here!
I'm glad to *see* you! I totally understand. Sometimes you really do need to pull back into yourself... and that can be so important to the overall process! I'm sorry to hear that things are rough right now, but I know that this will shift. You are so brave to be facing your feelings head-on!
I'm thinking of you. I was thinking that the next couple of weeks must be hard for you too- I think our bombs etc happened around the same time. I know there's not much I can say to help, but keep posting as and when you can. I miss you!
After I last wrote, I've been feeling pretty good.
Pretty much I've been feeling lately is this "I love H, but I don't think I can commit my life to him."
It has been a big relief to me. H has done nothing to help himself while I continue to work on myself. I realized certain things that I need that H hasn't supplied me. Basically, I realized that I deserve to be treated better and I've found I've been letting go.
People want me to hate H. But I don't. I love him so much and I've allowed myself to embrace that, but at the same time, let him go. I'm sorta OK in this limbo land right now.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Somehow I knew you'd be OK. You're such a strong one!
I'm so glad that embracing your feelings for H has helped you get some peace/relief- that's such a big thing to have isn't it? I think I feel somewhat the same about mine......and I can't hate him, much as friends/family think I should.
DB Coach tonight said she thought H deserved my compassion. That he's trying to grow up and deal with his issues and I could be part of the solution. I wonder sometimes if your H is in the same place? It might explain some of his confusing behaviour and inability to let go.... (?)
I don't know what to do anymore... Because of things that I found snooping (i know, i know), The Horse has been treating H like [censored] b/c he didn't move in with her when she moved...as he says, she has been "treating him like a leper." and he realizes that he is putting so much effort into her when he thinks that it is bad, for the sake of hoping it will work out b/c he has chemistry with her.
From the snooping he said, "it's funny when you have more trouble leaving the girlfriend than the wife. that's when you really start questioning wtf is wrong with you."
he also said about The Horse, "i just really have never had chemistry with anyone like that. so it's hard to extricate."
I just started crying when I saw that. I realized when I saw this that he absolutely doesn't care about me.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
(((((Beth))))) How are you doing today? I can't believe your H is putting up with being trated like pants for 'chemistry'. As we all know, that's not going to last. Chemistry always fizzles and has to be replaced with real love, like the two of you have.
Are there ways that you could ignite some chemistry with H? I know you guys get on so well; just wondering if he realises he has chemistry with you if that would precipitate him starting to properly think.
"treating him like a leper".....doesn't sound like the stuff proper relationships are made of. I really hope this is the beginning of the end. Noticed also that your sig line says your H never mentions her; same for my H and the purple thing. They're both so confused and conflicted.
Here's my thing: I know, if I feel in love with someone else (as H has claimed with the Horse), I would say to H, "I'm sorry, I love this new man, I'm going to be with him". Why hasn't H said that to me? Why continue to wear his ring? Of COURSE she is treating him poorly: He is married and refuses to commit to her! I know, if I were her (which I would never be, but follow me here) I would be hesitant too! So, what doesn't he get?!
I honestly believe, if he truly wanted a relationship with her and didn't have any doubts about it, he would go be with her completely. Doesn't he realize that if he did that, she MAY just start treating him better? It is so stupidly logical to me.
So, it makes me question...why hasn't he? Probably because he knows that I do truly love him. That I am amazing. Also, I think there is a sick part of him that likes being treated poorly (his own self-loathing, not believing that he deserves to be treated well). What he doesn't realize, though, is that I am doing things for myself and I am finally beginning to realize what MY OWN NEEDS ARE and I AM beginning to pull away from HIM. The fact of the matter continues to be: I DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO THAT MAN ANYMORE. I WANT THE "HEALTHY" HUSBAND. I DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER AND BE MARRIED TO A MAN WHO LOVES HIMSELF AND ISN'T A SELF-LOATHER. What that means is that H would need to do a LOT of work on his own--something he keeps saying he knows he needs to do, but hasn't.
I don't know how to make him realize he has chemistry with me. When I see him, I wear pretty clothes. There has been a lot of discussion around my chest lately and he has always loved my breasts, so I've been trying to wear flattering outfits. I don't know what else I can do? I guess I can begin to flirt more? But, Lisa--How do I flirt with him again? We've become so comfortable with him, how can I do it without seeming weird?
Have I had any fun dates lately. Lately, no. I am completely date free right now, out of my own choice of wanting to not be distracted. But, earlier in July, I had some amazing dates with this one guy who I could simply fall for. But, nothing in a while. It has been absolutely amazingly, wonderfully, quiet.
For your H, I keep going back to that day when he said that he would fix everything (or whatever his exact words were). That was big to me. I wonder if there is something to kick that into play. I wonder, if perhaps, you do give him some sort of "I deserve better than this" speech, it would kick start it? But, that always goes back to, are you ready in case he chooses the other.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
