Nice to see you... sorry to hear what you've been going through.
Are you in counseling? Taking meds? I ask because some of the repetitive behaviors you're doing are ripping you apart. I didn't want to go to counseling, but my 2x4 friend kept reminding me of how much it helps.. (e.g., You'll get through this, yes, but seeing a professional helps you get through it faster and in better shape).
When I was a bumbling mess unable to remember the days of the week, my therapist pointed out that the symptoms of depression were elevating so adjusting the meds would help to get my mind in a place where I could make good decisions.
People are very good about phrasing things so you can think it through on your own. Unfortunately right now I have a bit of piss and vinager marinating so you're getting my unadulterated view because aspects of our situations are very similar.
A husband looks out for your best interests, is your cheerleader in the corner, respects and loves you. You deserve respect. What would you tell your son to do if he was in a situation where his best friend was lying to him and being disrespectful?
Okay.. what do you do with a guy who's gone at night, sneaking in to 'protect' your youngest, especially when there was a separation in the past.
Well.. DB techniques are not meant to be 'roll over, suffer and petition for martyrdom' applications. It's all about being healthy. Initially, the goal is to remove the negative from the spouses perspective to minimize the reasons for why they want to leave. You work on those, improve yourself, the spouse notices a change, curiosity gets the better of them.. and shazaam, you have an opening for communication and growth because of all the forward momentum.
Well.. what happens when you're doing this and you're dying inside? That nothing you're doing makes a damn bit of difference in the spouse's actions and it begins killing you inside, creating a very draining and negative place for you to be in?
That's when you DB yourself. You take away the negative for yourself. If you can't be healthy, then nothing else works. You have to take care of yourself first... above the marriage, above the kids. If you're sucked dry to a shuddering husk you're of no use to anyone.
It happened to me on our 25th anniversary. Spouse was living in an undisclosed location, admitted to 'dating' the woman he had moved in with during our marriage and was threatening me to find out the details of what I knew of his whereabouts.
With the help of friends and a DB coach, I realized that since he was not treating like a husband should, I was not obligated to continue my wifely duties. I 'got it' that he was leaving me, that he was divorcing me. Marriages, relationships are based on balance. If one person is hogging the seesaw, then whoops.. it doesn't work.
It was very scary.. but the more I looked at where I was, the more I realized the truth. If things turned around magically and he wanted to be back in our marriage.. it would not be the same twisted relationship we'd shared. That one was over. I would want and expect a relationship built on mutual trust and caring. That would be new. I 'got it'.
So.. I set up boundaries.. something I had never really understood. What did I need to feel better?
What do YOU need to feel better? You already know the answer.
