Mediation went okay. Draining. I had to take a break while we were talking about property settlement. He is not trying to screw me over, in fact he suggested an arrangement that was a little bit better for me than him. He does care....just has a DAM way of showing it.
don't they all?
Originally Posted By: purple
Maybe it's me that doesn't love him enough.
You love him as you love him, he needs to decide if that is enough.
Originally Posted By: purple
I need to concentrate on me instead of obsessing with what he says and does when we disagree. Disagreeing with him just doesn't work for me. I don't know how to do it.
me either Lodo asked me the other day how do I deal with other forceful people in my life like H. when I disagree with them. I still am thinking about that one. How about you?
Originally Posted By: purple
I can't detach. I'm still enmeshed. i want him to address the issues that have happened and show me he understands the effect his actions and words have had. I don't want romance at this point, I want empathy.
And then what? If he could give you that.. then what? Does that let you detach? Are you assuming him understand the effects of his actions & words will keep him from doing it again? What reality is he operating in? Are you hoping that by him seeing your reality, he'll stay there?
I know I thought this for a long time and still do when I get stressed interacting with him, when I guess that is when it really counts, huh? I keep needing to remember he is a different reality than me.
Originally Posted By: purple
I want to love my husband, but I don't feel (emotionally) safe with him.
Have you ever felt emotionally safe with anyone?
Originally Posted By: purple
Is it something I have fashioned myself? I think it is...I made the monster. I'm not making sense. I'm tired.
Sometimes when I'm tired is when I listen most closely as that is when I'm less likely to filter what I think I should say. But it's alos when I'm hardest on myself!
however, "they" would like us to believe that statement. Maybe explore it further with your counselor?
Are you journaling? I find I keep those thoughts around longer if I have written them down.
((hugs))
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Purple, maybe I shouldn't say anything since I've not been in your shoes, but it seems that those I have been close to that were abused, in some way, were "made" to be just what the abuser wanted them to be. They felt, and thought just like the abuser wanted them to think and feel. When that didn't work, the abuser would reach into their little bag of tricks and make the W feel all sorry for them and even make the W feel like she did something wrong, or make her feel sorry for him.......oh the tricks they play! You even begged yours to come back in the house and you asked for a hug three times! I don't get it.....how they can brainwash a person like that.
The abuser is in control at all times until he is completely healed. You are still dancing to his tune and sometimes you realize it, but a lot of the times, you don't even see it.
Like I said, I guess I shouldhn't say anything b/c I have never been abused and I don't know what it is to be fearful of my own H, or anyone that claims to love me. I do know that I could not ever trust anyone that abused me nor do I think I could ever live with a man nor make love to a man that had used me like that. But, I understand that everyone is not like me and we are all here to learn something from each other, so maybe I will learn from you. However, my sister lived with three abusive H's and I saw what she went through and I'm afraid I did not learn anything except that I would never allow any man to treat me with disrespect nor would I live in fear of him. She became a robot. She got to the place she could not even use her own mind. The fear she lived in was awful. No matter how many times they would promise to change......they didn't, even separation from them did not change them. So, I hope things work out for you, but I personally don't think having dinners and buying birthday presents is going to do it, sweetie. These characters have to be treated with stern gloves and I don't see where he is changing or learning a thing. Do you?
Don't you feel that it is time to make a life for yourself and be free to do what you want to do? Wouldn't it be nice to think what ever you want to without worrying about what "he" would say or do? How long has it been since you have lived in total freedom?
I don't want this to come across as being harsh b/c it breaks my heart (and I'll admit, it makes me angry....but not at you) at the women that live in a prison that their H's have made for them out of abusive behavior.
I hope you will take control of your life soon. You have made good friends here that are trying to help you.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi, Purple. You've visited my thread a couple of times, and I just finished reading up on your sitch. There are just so many similarities. As I read through your posts, it's as if someone else jotted down my own personal thoughts.
I have no words of wisdom to offer at the moment, so I will just follow along. Besides, you're already receiving tremendous support and advice from some great people.
Take care of yourself. Focus on what makes Purple happy, even if just for a moment.
(((((((Purple)))))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Keeping Purple happy would be 12 hours straight of sleep.
Maybe I had best take a break from the DB board for a few days to catch up on sleep. I don't want to ...I need to journal and typing is easier to do when I'm at work. It's also easier to cut and paste things to rearrange them later. ag...still tired.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Bridge, I really like your latest post. I'll have to come back later to answer it properly. I think it'll end up long and I suspect that only a few people on here will be able to follow the Purple Ramblings of a Down Under Chick.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Purple, I still have to figure out what I think about your sitch, I think there are others that can give you much better advice. But, I like your sense of humor, and your spirit, and the way you think. I'll be around!
I'd like for you to stick around ....I need all the support I can get. And it doesn't matter if you can't give advice. Sometimes I just need to hear someone else's perspective to help me put things in the right molehill/mountain.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
