Thanks for dropping in...it's been a long day/night...
H started up a R convo before dinner tonite. Wanted to know what I meant in an earlier convo about not wanting to be in the kind of R we have now, to live like this/continue this way, or something close to that. Wanting to know if I meant that I had decided that things were hopeless and wanted to end things, come to more or less the same conclusion that he had... (this convo occurred about 3 weeks ago; on the night he told me he had 'taken a sublet for a couple of weeks...in reality, sleeping at OWs for most of 2 weeks while her kids were away. Since then H has actually taken a month-to-month corp rental in bldg where he told me he was staying)
I told him that while I realized how our current R sucked and that our M was really dead, that what I wanted was for us to be able to forgive each other and to try to build a new R(which I've said before). H then talks a little about the apt...which is what I think is really upsetting him...how He hates going over to that apt; it's awful and lonely and he thinks that's how things are going to be [which i don't believe for a minute; pretty clear that OW is breathing down his neck to take more bold, decisive action to be with her] and how much he hates the idea of being away from Ss, the fact that he felt humiliated working with 20-something who owned the apt when he questioned why he was leasing...
But then, as if on cue, H launches into his litany of nearly 20 years of pain being married to me...sadly, H blames me for all our troubles, and that my refusal to face my problems and how they impacted our M is the root of it all; that I made excuses for years about everything/denied all the problems....that he was so clear and direct about things that were wrong with us(read me) and that I refused to address any of them. That my own personal issues, my turning away from our sex life, various situations where he believes I betrayed him (related to not being proactive in literally standing up for him/confronting people in some lousy professional situations over the years) have lead him to have enormous contempt/disgust for our R.
How that he had turned down opportunities to 'stray'...and how impt it was that a spouse listen/appreciate. That he felt he could find that with someone else [I held my tongue; only commented "Iknow you can; I know you have..."; not sure he caught that i said that bit]
And there is truth in what he says...I am far from blameless. It stems largely from my serious issues with self-esteem, and my inability/inaction for a long time to address that honestly. Of course, it's also way more complicated than that, and I have tried so very hard to make things right, and did all the way along...just in really ineffective/counterproductive ways. And, sadly, H doesn't buy any of that, never has. And, of course, since all of this is in the past, there is no way to go back and fix my actions...this is the context in which H says he doesn't see how he can ever forgive me...brushes over a mention that that's one of his 'faults'...
I say several times how sorry I am for the pain I have caused; H says how I regarded him for so long as a bully/me as a victim (of course, these days he's the one who is all about being a victim...) Says that one of the reasons he wanted to marry me is because of how smart I am...but that I have played 'dumb' (when I asked about this, he contends that I've just not 'gotten it' about how screwed up we were) ANd then goes into it again about saying anything to my friends, and how he doesn't want to do anything with them...
Talking about what will happen when S12 leaves for college, and it will just be us. How he just can't stand the thought of it...
THere's some more, but that's more than enough...when I look at this on the printed page, I really do wonder why in the h$ll I let this happen to me...actually, I do know. I'm guessing it's residual guilt over my role in all this; I told H tonight that I had felt unworthy of him over the years, that a lot of our sexual issues were from my feelings of inadequacy...
I still struggle with feelings of enormous responsibility for this...way too much, according to my IC. I probably was somewhat of a WAW within our M; H is rather a bully when he can be.
Sorry for such a ramble...I feel like I did pretty well, even though I engaged way too much. I validated (probably way too much...) and didn't get weepy or grasping. I did make known again what I would like to have happen...but pretty much just left it at that...
And there you have it...H headed out around 10pm [guessing it's to stop by OW's for a while once her Ss are in bed...] and I'm here trying to figure out what/where to go from here...
I know what's coming up; I just have to know how best to address it...
