Coming to Terms

[RSmiles]

A few more ramblings... I guess it's natural to keep reflecting on my R at D time. I think I just got 'used' to our distant R. I knew I didn't feel happy, but I put up with it for so long. I guess i kept hoping it could get better. H has had depression and substance abuse issues for so long and I kept thinking it could get better if he was happier, it could get better if I Db'd enough..... I also think I've been scared of being D and being "alone". Although the funny thing is, I've felt pretty "alone" in this R with H for a long time. Since H is musician, he likes to spend most of his free time alone in his studio- which meant we didn't often do a lot of things together during the weekends or evenings. I often felt like we were living separate lives but had the convenience of each others company if we sought it out. When we were S in 2003-2004, I felt so committed to making it work. One of H's friends set him up with some woman in her early 20s during that time (sickening) and they possibly slept together. Who knows. Then after 6 months of S, H and I moved back in together as "roommates" and 5 months later he put his ring back on. This time, after everything that's happened, I know in my heart it's the best choice to finally get a D but it still hurts and feels like a rejection/failure.