Coming to Terms

[RSmiles]

Hi all,

I've got a thread over in 'Surviving the Big D', but I realize I'm still coming to terms with A and ILYBNILY issues, so I thought I'd post here too and hopefully meet new friends. My story is one of a long, slow decline.

Now that my D is in progress, it finally hit me that I don't even remember what it's like to have a romantic relationship. H has not slept in the same bed with me for over 2 yrs now and has had repeat EAs- possible PAs/one night stands at his shows (H is musician). H skipped our past three wedding anniversaries(out of town at shows). H hides it well, I don't have solid proof of PAs, but he openly admits he has not been 'in love' for a long time and has problems with the concept of being M. He basically admits to the EAs. The first bomb was only a year and a half after we got married (1997-98). I remember being so crushed when I found emails from H to his OW saying how much he hated me and loved her so passionately. I cried for days.Then, that one died like 6 months later but a couple years later, he met more OW online and started traveling to out of town shows all the time overnight but didn't want me to come along. I was always suspicious. He'd make lame excuses "There's not enough room for you in the band van" or "I don't want to have to worry about you while I'm performing a show" I kept thinking I could do something to improve our M- and I picked up DB/DR in 2003. I guess as the years went on, I got less and less stunned by it and sort of buried my emotions. Then, since I have no formal proof of PAs it's always been a confusing question to me about where the truth lies. This feels so sad to me now. H's latest EA (started in Jan?)is some musician OW that sings so he writes songs for her. He even had the nerve to play me her music and ask me if I liked it. (H didn't ever really write a song for me in our 14 years together by the way). Whatever. I feel so disconnected. I guess that is what I'm coming to terms with - realizing how deprived of love I've felt for so long. It's like there's a part of me that has been dead inside, but is possibly starting to wake up now. For some reason it's hitting me now that the D is going on, like I didn't realize it's impact before. I hope I find real love again someday.