I do think it is at the moment that the wayward spouse wants to come back to you that you have your maximum leverage. If he's not wanting to, then there's not a lot you can do other than enforce your own personal boundaries.
I still encourage you to do that, Yoyo. You will need those skills whether it be in this or a future relationship, and you will feel MUCH, MUCH better about yourself if you can learn to do this.
I do agree with you. I should have struck while the iron was hot, but I let him manipulate me by saying he thought it would be best if she quit on her own, so that he could avoid any kind of lawsuits. Yes, I know, I was extremely stupid.
I very much appreciate everyone's advice. I do like the letter of boundaries, but I do know him well enough that it would not matter much either way to him right now.
I was afraid of pushing him away again, but I guess I never fully had him. So I've got to learn not to be afraid to push him away, because he is already gone.
My head is telling me to let him go, that he will never change. My heart is telling me to hold on. I've got to get both of those in the same place. I know my head is much smarter.
You are correct about enforcing my personal boundaries, that's what I plan on doing.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
For what it's worth, I don't see the letter as "pushing him away." Your HUSBAND has already PULLED himself away, by his repeat adultery. All you would be doing is "calling the question."
There's nothing in that letter that's in any way unreasonable.
Again I agree with what you have said. It's just that I didn't see it clearly when I should have. I just don't think right now it's worth my effort. I know him too well. If there is a chance or him working through this, he has to initiate it and then I have to lay down the boundaries. If he doesn't initiate it then I will just go on about my life without contacting him. I'm not trying to be hard headed, I'm just saying that I do not plan on any contact with him. It has to be his idea to reconcile for me to state these boundaries, otherwise I know it will be time to move on without him. I can't force him to come back, he has to have the want to. Right now, he is not showing that. So I will remain dark and give myself time to decide whether it is time to dissolve my marriage.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I am 10 years older than most of the people on this board, so my problems are different as they are associated with my stage of life. Two years ago when my H was having an affair and I was dealing with that crisis, we still had 2 kids at home and one off at college. Now I think my H and I have determined that we will stay married for the rest of our lives. We no longer feel like we would make good swinging singles. So it is time to start growing old together.
Now we come to a time that I never fully anticipated -- the empty nest syndrome. Today my S19, who finished high school in June informed me that when the summer is over, he is not planning to come back home. He is working as a lifeguard for the 4th summer at a beach in NJ, and he intends to stay there. Now look at your 2 year olds and imagine that they told you that. That's how I feel. This was my little baby. The one who clung to me the most. The one who loved Mommy so much and loved my cooking. The one I didn't ever imagine growing up. I got used to the idea that he had stubble on his face and he wouldn't let me kiss him or kiss his belly anymore. But I wasn't ready for this.
And I know this doesn't make sense, but the worse news is that my S24, who fought me all his life and never wanted to be around me, has moved back home. He is living in all 3 children's bedrooms and driving me nuts with his temper tantrums that he never outgrew.
And my sweet beautiful daughter who I raised to be the spitting image of me, and is nothing like me at all, only visits occasionally.
Life is never what you imagine it will be, even if you take the time to imagine it.
Given how your H has reverted, knowing full well how much this must hurt you and yet is doing so anyway, I think the path you've chosen -- to go dark and leave the decision to his actions -- makes sense. It would be different if he had never escaped the "fog" the first time, but now that he is slipping back into it...
(((((Sara))))) Thank you for that. Your words touched me, and I am sure others too -- they are a reminder to all of us that today is precious. Enjoy the moment while you can for it will be tomorrow before you are ready. It is a hard lesson I have had to discover very painfully in the last year.
I just wanted to all let you know that I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Right now, I'm just trying to sort out my feelings and my next move.
I talked to him last night. He tells me that he still cares for me, but he needs space. Why can't he just come out and tell me that he wants to be with the OW? Why does he continue to string me along? Why does he tell me he cares and his actions show otherwise?
The OW's ex called me today. He said his son told him that he went to a 4th of July party with his mom and my H. I swear that poor kid is seeing way more than a 9 year old should see. So it sounds like the affair is full throttle again.
Sorry I'm whining. I just got in from seeing Sex and the City with my girlfriends. I won't ruin it for everyone, but there are some very thought provoking things in it, besides the usual humor. I guess it has me a little melacholy. Okay, maybe a lot melacholy...
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
(((YOYO)))