Trying ... well if you can call it that, I guess.

[Abbey]

I'm trying to figure out what to feel about losing all hope, or most of it anyway. 1/4 inch just went down to 1/64th of an inch. It's hard not to think/believe that this was the H's master plan all along. That makes him an utter d-bag.

Of course he'd feel justified too... all my fault, the way he would see it.

And yet... why can't I just close the door and walk away completely?

How do you put someone out of your mind? ... is really the only answer to insert a new person?

Abbey

[MichelleLT]

Absolutely not. Otherwise you are just covering up the problem. The shine of a new person wears off and you still have the old wounds.

I think it is time mostly.

Some distractions too, but don't put the burden of being your distraction on another person. Use activities, classes, games, exercise instead.

I am not sure you ever truly forget someone that has had a big impact on your life, for better or worse. You get detached, you get distance. But you never completely forget. Which is as it should be, because we are the product of our experiences.

[LolaL]

Inserting a new person is not the answer. It might make the problem go away temporarily, but the issues will still be there...

[Abbey]

That's what our spouses do though, isn't it. Certainly in many cases. He's jumped into another relationship to forget the pain. Me disappearing out of the picture hit him yesterday, I saw it in his face, but he's not going to mourn the loss of me, not for a while anyway. He's replaced me with a shiny new penny instead. And yes, books say that this will come and hit him in the face in most cases, eventually (that's usually when they show up back at your door a year or two later with their tail between their legs). Then again, maybe I'll probably never know if he ever really mourns the loss of us though... he obviously likes to rewrite history and stay in denial by going from emotional difficult places by being a turtle and masking his pain by feeding his ego with new toys(women).

I know for me, that somebody new isn't going to make this go away. I don't want another man in my life. I wouldn't mind a couple of male friends who feel the same way that I do... no fuss no muss, and NO romantic complications... maybe I'll find that guitar player fella I wrote about earlier.

What's strange is that even right now, having my OLD H back in full bloom isn't going to make this go away either. So much pain. So many lies he's told. So much stuff that he's placed in his head inside out, upside down, and out right fabricated. I mentioned once to my T, how strange it seemed to feel like he and I were standing on a sidewalk looking at something and yet he and I seeing something completely opposite from one another. I mean in some cases he's re-written things so badly that he's denied having affairs on his first wife, ... when in fact he knows full WELL that I KNEW about the woman before me, hell on a few occasions I actually covered for him because he was "with her"... LONG before he and I ever became a couple.

Symbolically, I put my wedding ring in a trinket box in the shape of a cat, along with a tuft of fur from his and my fur baby that we lost in 2005. The memory of my love of him is safe there as it is with the fur baby's fur. I am going to finally find something that meant something to he and I and/or that represents the tiny last grain of "hope" that he'll someday come to his senses and realize the mistake he made by throwing me away ... that too is where it needs to go, so I can just let go and let him go through his process and hit bottom eventually. But mostly to make myself go on and find a way to grow. I know a few couples who have "gone dark", went their separate ways, only to end up back together a year, or 2 later. 3 couples actually from my H's extended family and a mutual friend who divorced only to get back together and remarry his wife a 2nd time. Miracles happen. And that's what this will need - a miracle. I just cannot give up every last bit of hope, I can't. My love for who he was is too strong, too deep. I also truly believe that if I just "give up" that that is what gets "sent out" per say and it blocks a miracle from happening. So I *have* to leave that door opened however small. However unlikely,... there's a safety in being able to put it away, if ya know what I mean.

Today is easier that yesterday. I'm seeing my T today, that'll be good.

Now I need to find motivation to *DO* stuff again. I was doing so well, things were getting easier. At times it feels like I'm paralyzed. I just want to sit on a chair and not move so nothing more can hurt me. Cripes, I started to cry while I was brushing my teeth. *stupid smile*

My body hurts, my head hurts, and dammit, my heart hurts, .... as we all do here.

Abbey

[MichelleLT]

(((Abbey)))

Hope your T appointment goes well.

[Abbey]

Journaling ...
Met with the T yesterday, I felt much better leaving there, than when I got there. I feel good about pushing back hard. No more enabling his lying to me.

Today, my resolve seems different too. Regardless about the deception, regardless of the lies etc... and the fact that this should have never gotten to this point - I care about him. I care about his welfare, and I care about him being taken for a ride. Yeah, I"m still protective of him. And yes, I still love the man he was. He may come back, (and yeah I know too...he may not.) It is part of the reason I cannot completely let go though. The age diff, a transition relationship, MLC etc, all statistically have "this probably isn't going to last" written all over it.

After all, this is Divorce Busting, ... and sometimes pushing back hard (LRT), going dark, and just going about your life does (in the words of the LRT post here online)... that doing so can in itself draw them back to you.

I love this man. I understand WHY we got here and as such the pieces of this I can attempt to forgive, given if he ever had proper remorse. But it's also how I'm finding I can let go. It'll be good not to feel such exhaustion every time I had to see him. It'll be probably more like once a month or only every so often, after we finish up a few more ends. Limited to almost NC,... he'll then really get to see changes in me,... missing me though?... well we'll see. Patience, right Michelle? I've got nothing but time at this point.

Anyone see Dr Phil yesterday. The couple where the husband had an affair and the wife caught him, and what Dr P had to say to the couple! I was so impressed with the words used (and I'm usually not a Dr P fan... tooo.. .trailer park for me)... but this thing he said,... was exactly what my H will have to HEAR, and be willing to accept/own as what he did to me, to us. More philo of my own - I have a new Owner's Manual now. Might he ever get there? This is his process, only time will tell. I won't expect it, but it's what I will want if there is a reconcile.

Anyway, I went out last night. I FORCED myself to go out by myself to a blues jam where everyone were strangers. I didn't join in. I sat, I listened. BUT I didn't melt into a puddle of tears. I even stayed up past my normal bedtime ... (sleep is an escape for me). I'm going to try to go out again to another "thing" on Thursday.

Abbey - trying to survive.

[MichelleLT]

Good for you on going out!

It depends on the person, but for me being around other people (as long as it's not a wedding lol) really helps me to be positive.

You do have time.

Congrats again on getting out and enjoying the music. Those are great steps for you!

[The Wifey]

Abbey. One day at a time. Great on GAL. Music soothes the soul. We're with you, girl!

[Abbey]

Just an update, since I've gone dark, there is really nothing to report, other than the OW's husband is equally crushed by this flippin soap opera my H and his parasite g/f have created. And H wanted to drop stuff over and since I really DO NOT wish to see him at the moment,... and to show I MEAN IT about limited contact through either phone or email, until/unless he grows back his brain... I told him to hold it off til next week.

I'm taking an exam (or am trying to study for it)... so I'm laying low and really don't need him upsetting me.

Abbey - getting stronger.

[MichelleLT]

(((Abbey)))

They are selfish hurtful people. Why don't any of them ever consider the impact they have on their loved ones??????????? I guess because they'd die of guilt/shame. *sighs*

GL with your studying!