I am furious with your husband. You know now highly I think of you.
You deserve to walk moonlit paths with someone who appreciates you.
You have two choices I think: File for D or offer him an Ultimatum.
You have good reason to D him. He's shown he's a repeat philanderer.
The fact that OW still works for your husband is a recipe for disaster. And sure, she's going to try to hook him in -- and sure enough, he'll succumb.
Here's what I think the ultimatum needs to look like if you offer one. Write it down and send him a letter, don't talk about it:
1. I love you, I adore you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I think we can both grow and change postively and have wonderful life. I want to be married to you.
2. Your most recent lapse by having OW spend the night was deeply hurtful to me. But, then, that's to be expected, as long as you have her working for you and she consistently wants to be in a relationship with you, you'll never be free of her. We were both foolish to think our relationship could work with OW still in the picture.
3. If you want to be married to me, there's one simple thing you need to do: Fire the OW, and never speak to her or ever be in contact with her again. It's her or me: you choose.
4. Once you've fired her we will take steps to work on our relationship.
5. After you've demonstrated for three months that you haven't contacted her or talked to her, you can move back in.
6. I'm tired of living in limbo. This is my final offer to you to reconcile our marriage. I love you, but I'm tired of waiting and need to move on with my life. I'd like to move forward with you in my life, but I'm prepared to move forward without you.
7. Take one week to think about this and give me your reply. You have two options: "Yes" I will fire OW, never be in contact with her again and work on our marriage or "NO", I want a divorce. If you do not reply, I will take your answer as being "NO".
This is from my heart, not my mind. Take it for what it's worth Yoyo -- you are a wonderful lady.
I'm with theoden, except I'd only give him 24 hours. But that's just me.
I don't like the word "ultimatum," because it smacks of controlling behavior. I think it's a "boundary" -- "I cannot live in a marriage where my spouse hurts me this way."
Theo, Hello my long lost friend. Thanks for stopping by. It's so nice to hear from you. I deeply appreciate you taking the time to respond to my thread. You are a true gentleman and kind soul.
It always seems that there is so much drama going on in my life. Right now I don't believe it's only the OW I have to contend with. H's life long buddy is getting a divorced. I forsee that they will be reliving the days of their youth. They were quite the partyers and the other guy was a real lady's man. I really don't think at this time the letter would have any impact on him. I believe he will be experiencing all kinds of "fun" right now. Now that you know the other little bump(his friend) in my journey, do you think I should send the letter or wait? I'm not going to make any hasty decisions, I definitely need guidance.
Puppy and others what do you think?
Hugs, Yoyo
Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I think for now you should stay dark. That usually brings him back in a week or so. If not, then you have your answer, he is having more fun with his new life. If he comes back you can try to negotiate with him.
I like the ultimatum except the I love you, I adore you part. A bit over the top. I don't think I could sell that kind of talk to my husband and we are getting along swimmingly.
Went to make spaghetti for dinner. First pack of spaghetti had visible bugs without openning it. 2nd pack, the same. Third pack, yuch! Bugs in all the wheat products. My husband is in there now going through all the cereal boxes. I have a couple of relatively new boxes of pasta that look alright. So I'm still going for pasta for dinner. Tomorrow, the exterminator.
Only YOU know when you're at the end of your rope. I wouldn't recommend a 24-hour, or a 30-day, ultimatum if you're not ready to back it up.
Deliver the letter when you are truly "there."
I will say this: there's nothing that says that YOU have to allow him to go sow his oats with his recently-free friend. This should be about YOU at this point, and what YOU need, not what is convenient and fun for him.
At this time I'm not sure what I want to do, so I'm choosing to go dark for my sanity. I planning on detaching for my well-being. At this time I do not plan on sending him a letter or have any contact with him.
I do know that the last time that I went dark on him I issued some ultimatums and he said he would follow them, but I wasn't firm enough. If he comes back I will stick to my guns this time, if he doesn't come back then I know it's time to move on with my life. I'm not sure how long this timeframe will be, but probably not long...
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
