Trying ... well if you can call it that, I guess.

[MichelleLT]

(((((((Abbey)))))))

Happy 4th of July.

Enjoy the day.

Don't let your H get you down.

I can relate to the exhaustion thing, but it DOES get easier as you detach.

[AliSuddenly]

Hi Abbey,

Thats a good idea about the supplements, I've heard they can help, but what is an elliptical machine !?

I also find it draining seeing my ex. I have felt like lying low tonight and often tell people I feel exhausted afterwards. Its not as bad know we do it more regularly than it was in the early days. I thuoght it was becuase I was behaving rather like him in that it has led me to wear the mask..I cant say any of the things I want to to him, or be natural in my reactions, or free with my emoitions, I have to put on a front and this is what I find exhausting. From what I understand from him, thats what he has done all his life - worn the mask and that has led to his depresion in part I think. As I said though, it does get easier with practice, so if you can see you H with less big gaps in between, I guess it would get easier.

You dont say how old you are or how long you have been together and also, I am amazed, is he seeing a MOW then with 4 kids !?

Thanks for your help on my thread and I identify with how tiring all this is...
Ali xxx

[Abbey]

Hi Purple,

Thank you for the compliment about the description. I'm trying to write as exactly as I can about how this all feels. So many of us in the same boat, so many of us needing to feel like we're not alone.

I think our spouses BLAME us for *something* that lead them to their affairs. Strange to think that it's our fault they had an affair and can rationalize it as such, but they do. It's the ultimate in denial on their part. Emotional cowardly-ness. (is that a word?)

In my case, H believes I had an affair and has rationalized his insecurity/feelings that I let someone else into our world as the reason for his justification for his affair and acting like he's been abducted by aliens or has a flippin' brain tumor. It's my fault he didn't work on us and instead spent his days on the golf course, uhhuh *sarcasm on* LOL

I'm ahead of the game I guess that I know what's up my H's back end. Doesn't answer how I'm quite supposed to address it, other than to wait him out. Patience etc. Do you know what really is/was up your H's back end?

It is painful at times to be around them, isn't it. I'm actually relieved that I don't have to see him this weekend. But just try to think of the bigger picture. And do like some of us do... play nice, do your time with them and then go lay down and recuperate. Seriously. 2 days ago, I needed sleep, he surprised me with a phone call yesterday, instead of a total zap out, I went and did something physical - cut the grass. Sometimes I nap, sometimes I go do something I KNOW he thinks I can't cope with, just to spite him, whether he knows it or not

I'm going to head over to your thread because I"m confused about the morose act he's engaging in.

My critters are 4 cats. 3 pure breeds and a Heinz 57.

Abbey

[Kalni]

I just wanted to say I enjoy your posts.
I haven't been able to read your sitch but I will.
K

[Abbey]

Hi Abbey,

Thats a good idea about the supplements, I've heard they can help, but what is an elliptical machine !?

http://www.globalfitness.com/about_elliptical_trainer.htm

It's easier on the joints than running etc. Allows resistance training on upper body. Also saves me from outdoor walking in the winter - asthma.

I also find it draining seeing my ex. I have felt like lying low tonight and often tell people I feel exhausted afterwards. Its not as bad know we do it more regularly than it was in the early days. I thuoght it was becuase I was behaving rather like him in that it has led me to wear the mask..

It's the mask, yes. Not being able to be one's self, yet, you know that in order for you to reach them, you have to show your self. Strange place to be in. The second, third and fourth "second guessing" it feels like we have to do in itself is enough to send ya around the bend, isn't it. All that extra thought...enough to zap out the best of us. Mine's also re-writing history so he's putting on a mask and thinking he's shedding another one. He's so badly in need of therapy himself, but he won't get it, not yet anyway.

You dont say how old you are or how long you have been together and also, I am amazed, is he seeing a MOW then with 4 kids !?

I've added a sig, but have to revise it... get this to add to the insanity. He's 55, she's 27. *bangs head hard on table repeatedly*

Abbey

[Abbey]

I just wanted to say I enjoy your posts.
I haven't been able to read your sitch but I will.
K

Kalni, thanks so much for your kind words. I'm happy I found this place, and such terrific people to share this journey with. I know I would have thrown in the towel and given up, had it not been for the comradeship and friendliness of all the folks here.

I too need to catch up on people's situations. There are some very common threads with many of us and just sometimes even knowing you're not alone is what gets me (and others) through the day and forging forward.

cheers
Abbey

[The Wifey]

Abbey, one of the many books I've read of late says to give yourself permission to cry and feel bad, with a time limit. Like, I have 15 minutes to get this out of my system, then go splash water on your face and move on. I tried it and it worked. Just one more baby step for me.

[Abbey]

Wifey, I"m going to need it a lot longer than that, I'm afraid. I just went "Last Resort", dark. And just spent a good portion of the day in bed. *sigh*

Last night, mine finally admitted his "new" relationship with the woman who broke us up. He still swears that they only started their relationship 2 weeks ago. But he also tried to tell me that my supposed lover told him that he had slept with me... which he later then claimed it was a friend of my supposed lover. after I said: That's all interesting... cuz it never happened. He also claimed he never had affairs on either of his wives. I know that to be completely untrue (I was one of them). He's completely re-written history to suit his own skewed version of it.

When I noticed he wasn't wearing his ring any more, I asked him and he then confirmed he was seeing her. I then got up from the resto table, I left the resto and made a bit of scene before I left. He was dumbstruck. I figure he just figured I would take this all in stride, like everything else. Nope. Lying to me about the affair he started way before this... is just more lies, lies, lies and isn't the man I new for the first 15 of our 19 year relationship.

He left 2 long messages on my machine, and we then talked on the phone last night. I told him he had his say, now it was my turn.

He came over this morning to give me the last of 2 boxes of things that were mine which I asked that he do because I simply didn't want to see him anymore. Standing at the door when he got here, he looked at me in my eyes for a few moments and then he reached out and hugged me. We talked about my quitting doing work for him completely and cutting all ties. He seemed lost,.... who was going to do the things that I used to do for him. Anyway, I offered to do the job he wanted me to do (took 15 minutes on computer.)

He played with the critters and again was really emotional about seeing them. Even had to turn his back to me because he was emotional.

We talked some more and I confirmed that I just didn't want to see him anymore. I just simply cannot do it. It hurts to much and every time I see him, it's like living the death of the relationship over and over again. All I want to do is go lay in bed and cry after wards. So... any work that he still needs me for, will be on the phone, and via email until the end of the year.

I need to move forward with my life and let him realize that a woman with 4 kids ... who at this point, god only knows is going leave them with the husband, or live with them .... isn't going to be a bed of roses. I have to let him go. Which is what I told him. He still doesn't want to end all ties with me... which is so painful. He reached out and hugged me before he left twice. He couldn't look at me straight in the face.

Oh... and the parasite and her H are now officially separated. (how timely and convenient eh?) LRT, I guess is where I am. Take care of me. Be the best person I can try to be. And leave a small place in my heart in case he comes to his senses and comes back.

I don't want to be done, but I just can't be near him right now. It just rips me to pieces.

Abbey

[MichelleLT]

((((((Abbey))))))

I know EXACTLY what you mean. When everything got really dramatic between me and H, I went NC for a month. It helped my state of mind tremendously.

Take care of yourself.

We're here if you need anything.

[The Wifey]

(((((((Abbey))))))) Allow yourself to cry. Get it all out. There there, it will get better. Do go dark. Be the contrast to the parasite. We are all on the long, dark road - but NONE OF US ARE ALONE!!!!!! We are here for you.

I honestly think I should invest in the P&G Company because I've gone through so many tissues. I'm crying for you honey, I know how much you hurt.

Take a bath, eat some ice cream, find someplace to be alone and scream. Get it all out.

Then, turn toward the sun and take one baby step for 5 minutes, then 10, then 15.......