i'm clueless....

[Dom R]

Yeah, so this is way longer than i wanted and i probably mostly just whined... so sorry. just needed to vent some i guess.

no way!
i think that was one of the most useful posts, you have ever written.

I think the most fascinating part of it, is that your mother told you, before you even got married....
exactly what I have been telling you.

So now i'm sitting here thinking about the way my mom gave me advice before i got married, before i had my daughters about waiting and making sure he treated me ok and that he did his part to make this a M. I just laughed and told her how great he was,

You'll notice that she didnt say "pick the right guy, or you're doomed". Yes, she talked about being cautious in your choice. But she also talked about an active, ongoing action from YOU, to make sure that HE "did his part".

You haven't been doing that.
You now are in a position of needing to play catch-up, for 10 years of not doing that.

If you want a better marriage, with your H... you CAN have it.
It will take a LOT of work from you. Determination, and commitment, and sheer stubbornness.
It will get ugly. very ugly.
But divorce is much, much uglier.
There will be times you may think, "divorce cant be worse than trying this hard..."
yes. yes it is. trust me on this.
Because if you stick to it, you will go through hell for a year, and then have a great marriage afterwards.
If you DONT stick to it, you will go through legal hell for half a year or more...and then you and your children will keep suffering over it, for the rest of your lives.

Guess I'm not very good at pep talks but I AM fairly good, at giving women advice on how to deal with husbands

Here's the problem you face: you need to become "alpha dog" for matters of relationship issues.
That's going to be a tough "fight" against your husband, because he's got 10 years of experience behind him, that makes him think he's in total control of that area.
You have backed down every single time, and given him "top dog" status.

That needs to change. It can change. With a lot of work from you.
I was going to write more, but "a little something" indicated to me, that I should cut it short.

So, i'll stop there.
Let me know if you'd like to hear more from me.

PS: great words from Tomato. dont devalue your needs. Your list of what you need from your H, is completely valid.